Opinion Today: Straight people need better rules for sex

What if consent isn’t enough? [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP4QnAWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIyMDQwOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzkzNiZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnByb2R1Y3RDb2RlPVRZJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD04Nzg2OCZ0ZT0xJnVyaT1ueXQlM0ElMkYlMkZuZXdzbGV0dGVyJTJGNDFhNzc1ZDktMzhhMS01YTZjLWFmNWMtOTIyMDU4NjhlYmE4JnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYksyJFBiNFpt0VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0SvaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjIwNDA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTU3OTM2Jm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3ODY4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiSzIkUGI0Wm3RUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYyMTM5JmxpPVRZJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1UWV8yMDIyMDQwOFcDbnl0QgpiSzIkUGI0Wm3RUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [Read more from Opinion](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0S-aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9vcGluaW9uP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjIwNDA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTU3OTM2Jm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3ODY4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiSzIkUGI0Wm3RUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) April 8, 2022 [Author Headshot] By Eleanor Barkhorn Editor at Large, Opinion When you go to a dinner party, you pretty much know what to expect, though you’ve likely also experienced moments of serendipity. Maybe you sat next to the host’s hilarious co-worker. You were served a “mocktail” so delicious you didn’t notice it was alcohol free. A friend who always vowed he’d never get married revealed he’s engaged. I’d assume that any surprises have been well within a pretty tight, safe boundary. As the Washington University professor and ethicist Fannie Bialek told Christine Emba [in an essay published this week](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TkaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wNy9vcGluaW9uL3NleC1jb25zZW50LWRhdGluZy1ib3VuZGFyaWVzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjA0MDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc5MzYmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9ODc4NjgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJLMiRQYjRabdFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~), “I can be interested in what someone says instead of worrying that they will stab me with a dinner knife. Not having to worry about all these radically unexpected things frees up that attention and that possibility of enjoyment.” Emba argues that the pleasures of the dinner party hold lessons for modern sexual norms. She says that in this age of freedom, there are too few rules around sex between men and women, and it is making people — women especially — miserable. (As Emba writes, “Queer relationships, being less beholden to male-female gender dynamics, may present fewer issues — but they aren’t perfect either.”) Emba, an opinion columnist at the Washington Post who interviewed dozens of people for a recent book on sex and relationships, found that “women, in particular, discussed their sexual experiences in visceral terms: encounters that end in unexpected and alarming acts — a choking, say, or other porn-inspired violence — that they go along with out of surprise or resignation.” What would it look like to have better-established boundaries, so that sexual encounters were characterized by good surprises — the kind that lead to greater connection and genuine shared pleasure — rather than bad ones? Emba doesn’t claim to have all the answers, but as she writes, “It’s time to raise the standard for what good sexual encounters look like and hold ourselves and our peers accountable to it. Good — that is to say, ethical — sex is not simply about getting consent so that we can do what we want.” [Read the full essay here.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TkaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wNy9vcGluaW9uL3NleC1jb25zZW50LWRhdGluZy1ib3VuZGFyaWVzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjA0MDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc5MzYmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9ODc4NjgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJLMiRQYjRabdFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Larry Fink](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TkaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wNy9vcGluaW9uL3NleC1jb25zZW50LWRhdGluZy1ib3VuZGFyaWVzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjA0MDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc5MzYmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9ODc4NjgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJLMiRQYjRabdFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Guest Essay Straight People Need Better Rules for Sex What if consent isn’t enough? By Christine Emba](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TkaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wNy9vcGluaW9uL3NleC1jb25zZW50LWRhdGluZy1ib3VuZGFyaWVzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjA0MDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc5MzYmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9ODc4NjgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJLMiRQYjRabdFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-0) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0RsaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9NTk3ODUmbGk9VFkmbT1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkNyZwPVRZXzIwMjIwNDA4VwNueXRCCmJLMiRQYjRabdFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~ Here’s what we’re focusing on today: Editors’ Picks [Round Table Four Opinion Writers on How the G.O.P. 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The Global Culture Wars Have Begun. We’re entering the age of red world versus blue world. By David Brooks](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TnaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wOC9vcGluaW9uL2dsb2JhbGl6YXRpb24tZ2xvYmFsLWN1bHR1cmUtd2FyLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjA0MDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc5MzYmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9ODc4NjgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJLMiRQYjRabdFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Article Image](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TnaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wOC9vcGluaW9uL2dsb2JhbGl6YXRpb24tZ2xvYmFsLWN1bHR1cmUtd2FyLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjA0MDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc5MzYmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9ODc4NjgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJLMiRQYjRabdFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Farhad Manjoo We May Be Able to Prevent Some Mass Shootings A new book explains the promise of “behavioral threat assessment.” By Farhad Manjoo](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TfaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wNy9vcGluaW9uL21hc3Mtc2hvb3RpbmctcHJldmVudGlvbi5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjIwNDA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTU3OTM2Jm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3ODY4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiSzIkUGI0Wm3RUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Article Image](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TfaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wNy9vcGluaW9uL21hc3Mtc2hvb3RpbmctcHJldmVudGlvbi5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjIwNDA4Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTU3OTM2Jm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3ODY4JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiSzIkUGI0Wm3RUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [jay caspian kang The Pity of the Elites How prestigious universities value student trauma. By Jay Caspian Kang](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TgaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wNy9vcGluaW9uL3RyYXVtYS1lbGl0ZS11bml2ZXJzaXRpZXMuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIyMDQwOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzkzNiZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD04Nzg2OCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYksyJFBiNFpt0VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Article Image](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TgaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wNy9vcGluaW9uL3RyYXVtYS1lbGl0ZS11bml2ZXJzaXRpZXMuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIyMDQwOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzkzNiZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD04Nzg2OCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYksyJFBiNFpt0VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) Opinion Audio [Fiona Hill on Whether Ukraine Can Win — and What Happens if Russia Loses The foreign policy expert maps out the possible futures for the Russia-Ukraine war. By ‘The Ezra Klein Show’](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TkaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wOC9vcGluaW9uL2V6cmEta2xlaW4tcG9kY2FzdC1maW9uYS1oaWxsLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjA0MDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc5MzYmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9ODc4NjgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJLMiRQYjRabdFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [Article Image](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TkaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wOC9vcGluaW9uL2V6cmEta2xlaW4tcG9kY2FzdC1maW9uYS1oaWxsLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMjA0MDgmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc5MzYmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9ODc4NjgmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmJLMiRQYjRabdFSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) What You’re Saying [letters What Is Putin Really After in Ukraine? Readers discuss a Bret Stephens column about whether or not Vladimir Putin miscalculated. Also: The Amazon union vote; treatment for sex offenders.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TjaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wNy9vcGluaW9uL2xldHRlcnMvcHV0aW4tcnVzc2lhLXVrcmFpbmUuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIyMDQwOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzkzNiZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD04Nzg2OCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYksyJFBiNFpt0VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Article Image](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0TjaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wNC8wNy9vcGluaW9uL2xldHRlcnMvcHV0aW4tcnVzc2lhLXVrcmFpbmUuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIyMDQwOCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzkzNiZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD04Nzg2OCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYksyJFBiNFpt0VIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-2) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkMqkyP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9NzI2NTM3JmxpPVRZJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1UWV8yMDIyMDQwOFcDbnl0QgpiSzIkUGI0Wm3RUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ Subscribe Today New York Times Opinion curates a wide range of views, inviting rich discussion and debate that helps readers analyze the world. 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