My Brother-in-Law Is Awful to His Girlfriend. Should I Break Them Up?

When should you intervene. [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP4Q1AWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDQwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzQ1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcHJvZHVjdENvZGU9TUEmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3MzM0JnRlPTEmdXJpPW55dCUzQSUyRiUyRm5ld3NsZXR0ZXIlMkY1NTE2NGNjNy03ZDEyLTU1NTAtODhkOC1jZGJjNTcwNTllMGQmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiP8klSGK4kMdWUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0S9aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwNDAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTU3NDUzJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9ODczMzQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmI_ySVIYriQx1ZSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTY2JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIyMDQwMlcDbnl0QgpiP8klSGK4kMdWUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [The New York Times Magazine](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0TNaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9tYWdhemluZT9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDQwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzQ1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3MzM0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiP8klSGK4kMdWUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) April 2, 2022 [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0TxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMy8yOS9tYWdhemluZS9hYnVzaXZlLXJlbGF0aW9uc2hpcC1ldGhpY3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDQwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzQ1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3MzM0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiP8klSGK4kMdWUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [The Ethicist My Brother-in-Law Is Awful to His Girlfriend. Should I Break Them Up? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on whether to intervene when a family member is in an emotionally damaging relationship — and more. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0TxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMy8yOS9tYWdhemluZS9hYnVzaXZlLXJlbGF0aW9uc2hpcC1ldGhpY3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDQwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzQ1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3MzM0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiP8klSGK4kMdWUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) My brother-in-law has been dating his partner longer than my husband and I have been together. They have stayed together through many trials, job changes and relocations, but he does not seem that interested in her. He constantly tells her that she is not making enough money; she abandoned her dream job in favor of a more lucrative one. Over the holidays, she expressed the desire to try to get into the same field as me, which makes me think that my brother-in-law is making unfair comparisons. My mother-in-law and I have discussed the various ways in which he treats her unkindly. Last year, my brother-in-law and his partner came to visit over the holidays, and he was very rude to her on many occasions. I spent several hours talking to her and trying to make her feel better about the situation. While we have told her multiple times that he treats her unkindly, she does not seem to want to acknowledge the abuse. She’s concerned that she would lose all the family she has, and I understand this. Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship myself, I know it is incredibly hard to get out of. But at what point do I continue to support her while telling her she needs to get out? And at what point do I stop being supportive? [Read the Ethicist’s response here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0TxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMy8yOS9tYWdhemluZS9hYnVzaXZlLXJlbGF0aW9uc2hpcC1ldGhpY3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDQwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzQ1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3MzM0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiP8klSGK4kMdWUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). Subscribe Today We hope you’ve enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through subscriber support. 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By Lisa Sanders, M.D.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0TzaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMy8zMS9tYWdhemluZS9hY2VwaGFsZ2ljLW1pZ3JhaW5lLWRpYWdub3Npcy5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjIwNDAyJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTU3NDUzJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9ODczMzQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmI_ySVIYriQx1ZSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by E S Kibele Yarman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0TvaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMy8zMC9tYWdhemluZS9zaGFja2xldG9uLXNoaXAtZW5kdXJhbmNlLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA0MDImaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc0NTMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD04NzMzNCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYj_JJUhiuJDHVlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Screenland The Discovery of Shackleton’s Wreck Is as Disquieting as It Is Amazing The world today is smaller and less mysterious than when Endurance sank. At the same time, we know too much about the past to be nostalgic. By Jody Rosen](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0TvaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMy8zMC9tYWdhemluZS9zaGFja2xldG9uLXNoaXAtZW5kdXJhbmNlLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA0MDImaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc0NTMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD04NzMzNCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYj_JJUhiuJDHVlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [[Article Image] Illustration by Radio](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0TxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMy8yOS9tYWdhemluZS9ob3ctdG8tc2VlLWZhY2VzLWV2ZXJ5d2hlcmUuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDQwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzQ1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3MzM0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiP8klSGK4kMdWUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Tip How to See Faces Everywhere It’s a natural human tendency. Give yourself the time and space to look out into the world in a curious, aimless way. By Malia Wollan](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0TxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMy8yOS9tYWdhemluZS9ob3ctdG8tc2VlLWZhY2VzLWV2ZXJ5d2hlcmUuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDQwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzQ1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3MzM0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiP8klSGK4kMdWUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Illustration by R. O. Blechman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0T0aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMy8zMS9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLWluc3RydWN0aW9ucy1mb3Itc3RvcHBpbmcuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDQwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzQ1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3MzM0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiP8klSGK4kMdWUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Poem: Instructions for Stopping This poem gives us hope to imagine and construct a nonviolent future. By Dana Levin and Victoria Chang](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP0T0aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMi8wMy8zMS9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLWluc3RydWN0aW9ucy1mb3Itc3RvcHBpbmcuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIyMDQwMiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD01NzQ1MyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTg3MzM0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpiP8klSGK4kMdWUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Illustration by Louise Zergaeng Pomeroy](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRkKqrJP4QAAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjIvMDMvMzEvbWFnYXppbmUvanVkZ2Utam9obi1ob2RnbWFuLW9uLWNvdW50ZXJ0b3AtcHJpdmlsZWdlLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMjA0MDImaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9NTc0NTMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD04NzMzNCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYj_JJUhiuJDHVlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Judge John Hodgman on Countertop Privilege One man has enough space to put out appliances just as a joke. 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