How Much Must I Give Up for My Schizophrenic Brother?

My wife simply does not want to live with him. [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiy_vyP4Q1AWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDcxMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0zNTA0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcHJvZHVjdENvZGU9TUEmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTYzMTQyJnRlPTEmdXJpPW55dCUzQSUyRiUyRm5ld3NsZXR0ZXIlMkZiNDdmNDI1Zi00YzdkLTViZmQtOWEyMS02NjFkYzFjZDRhM2UmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpg6PJ26WBmwroHUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiy_vyP0S9aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjEwNzEwJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTM1MDQxJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9NjMxNDImdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmDo8nbpYGbCugdSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiy_vyP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTY2JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIxMDcxMFcDbnl0Qgpg6PJ26WBmwroHUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [The New York Times Magazine](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiy_vyP0TNaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9tYWdhemluZT9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDcxMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0zNTA0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTYzMTQyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpg6PJ26WBmwroHUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) July 10, 2021 [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiy_vyP0TxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wNy8wNi9tYWdhemluZS9ldGhpY3Mtc2NoaXpvcGhyZW5pYy1mYW1pbHkuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDcxMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0zNTA0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTYzMTQyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpg6PJ26WBmwroHUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [The Ethicist How Much Must I Give Up for My Schizophrenic Brother? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on weighing a sibling’s needs against your own — and more. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiy_vyP0TxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wNy8wNi9tYWdhemluZS9ldGhpY3Mtc2NoaXpvcGhyZW5pYy1mYW1pbHkuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDcxMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0zNTA0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTYzMTQyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpg6PJ26WBmwroHUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) I am in my 60s and have been married for decades. One of my brothers is moderately schizophrenic; he does well on his medication but is increasingly unable to live alone. He and I are not close and are very different people, but when our mother went into a nursing home several years ago, he came to live with my wife and me. Several other siblings living close declined to take him in. My brother can’t live alone for a number of reasons, including forgetting to take his meds and not being able to take care of himself or his living quarters. Otherwise, he is a good person, a brilliant artist (that was his career path) and tries hard to be considerate. Schizophrenia is a terrible thief of independence. [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-0) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiy_vyP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTYzJmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIxMDcxMFcDbnl0Qgpg6PJ26WBmwroHUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ My wife and I are now retiring. We conscientiously put money away for retirement and to support our shared goal of traveling extensively. We have friends and family around the world with standing invitations for long visits. In addition, my wife simply does not want to live with my brother during retirement. I admire her compassion for agreeing to take him in years ago, but he does require care and patience. Also, his moderately sexist attitudes have led to a number of conflicts over time. I cannot fault my wife for wanting and expecting to continue with our plans, especially with the Covid shutdown now (hopefully) lifting, but I am completely torn. We must find some other arrangement for my brother. My wife speaks relatively lightly of putting him in assisted living. Doing so will decrease his quality of life drastically. Our income has allowed us to help him extensively with everything from dentures to art supplies. He has little except his monthly Social Security check. Ethically, how responsible am I for my brother? How do I justify making arrangements for him to go into assisted living so I can enjoy the retirement we planned on, knowing that his quality of life will diminish? How do I set aside this strong sense of disappointment in myself? [Read the Ethicist’s response here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiy_vyP0TxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wNy8wNi9tYWdhemluZS9ldGhpY3Mtc2NoaXpvcGhyZW5pYy1mYW1pbHkuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDcxMCZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0zNTA0MSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTYzMTQyJnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpg6PJ26WBmwroHUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). Subscribe Today We hope you’ve enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through subscriber support. 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