Must I Accept My Father’s Gifts?

Are they love or bribery? [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP4Q1AWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcHJvZHVjdENvZGU9TUEmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXJpPW55dCUzQSUyRiUyRm5ld3NsZXR0ZXIlMkYxZGY1YTJhMy1jN2NiLTU3NzktYjIzMi1mOGQzMWY3NjRiODcmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0S9aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjEwMjA2Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTI2ODMzJm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9NTExMjkmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmAa2n0eYPXG6z5SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTY2JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIxMDIwNlcDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [The New York Times Magazine](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0TNaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9tYWdhemluZT9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) February 6, 2021 [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP4QFAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjEvMDIvMDIvbWFnYXppbmUvYW0taS1iZWluZy11bmtpbmQtYnktcmVqZWN0aW5nLW15LWZhdGhlcnMtZ2lmdHMuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [The Ethicist Am I Being Unkind by Rejecting My Father’s Gifts? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on feeling uncomfortable with giving money as a sign of love and the obligation to report a doctor’s incompetence. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP4QFAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjEvMDIvMDIvbWFnYXppbmUvYW0taS1iZWluZy11bmtpbmQtYnktcmVqZWN0aW5nLW15LWZhdGhlcnMtZ2lmdHMuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) I am a biracial young woman whose parents were never married and come from very different cultural backgrounds. My white American mother raised me mainly on her own, with the help of her parents. Because of conflicts and misunderstandings, I had barely any contact during my childhood with my father and his family — who immigrated from China to the United States before I was born. But after I started college, I wanted to use my newfound autonomy to develop a relationship with them. But although my father seems eager to have one with me, I was hoping to approach the relationship under the assumption that we are both adults and can talk about our lives almost as equals, getting to know each other through meaningful conversations. He seems, instead, to be focused on offering to give and buy me things, such as money, international vacations, a car, etc. Because I am very fortunate to have everything I need already provided for me by my mother’s family, who are well-off, and I don’t feel that I need a car or large sums of pocket money, his offers of expensive gifts make me feel uncomfortable, and I usually turn them down, except for allowing him to help with my college tuition. I don’t want our relationship to be based on money, and I don’t want him to think that the money is what entices me to keep contact with his family. [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-0) ADVERTISEMENT ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTYzJmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIxMDIwNlcDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9NDMzNjgzJmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIxMDIwNlcDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9NTY0NzUzJmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIxMDIwNlcDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ I’m concerned, however, that my turning down his money may be offending him or making him feel as if I’m rejecting him. My father is an introverted person, and I’m worried this might be his only attempt to connect with me. (And although I don’t want to reduce this to cultural essentialism, I’ve also had friends who grew up in Chinese households tell me that giving money is a sign of love in Chinese culture and that their Chinese fathers are more emotionally removed than the societal expectations of Western fathers.) Is it unethical to expect my father to conform to my expectations of our relationship? Should I accept his gifts and money even though I feel bad about it? [Read the Ethicist’s response here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP4QFAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjEvMDIvMDIvbWFnYXppbmUvYW0taS1iZWluZy11bmtpbmQtYnktcmVqZWN0aW5nLW15LWZhdGhlcnMtZ2lmdHMuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). 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Aunts straddle a line between authority figure and anarchist: As our elders, they inspire deference, but they’re partners in transgression too. By Kristen Martin](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0TlaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMi8wMi9tYWdhemluZS9hdW50cy1wYXJlbnRpbmcuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by Ina Jang](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0TmaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMi8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9teXhvbWEtZGlhZ25vc2lzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMTAyMDYmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MjY4MzMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD01MTEyOSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYBrafR5g9cbrPlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Diagnosis Suddenly the Man Couldn’t See. Was His Chest Pain Connected? A gray cloud obscured the vision in the man’s eye. A medical student in the E.R. found the cause in an entirely different part of his body. By Lisa Sanders, M.D.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0TmaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMi8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9teXhvbWEtZGlhZ25vc2lzLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMTAyMDYmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MjY4MzMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD01MTEyOSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYBrafR5g9cbrPlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by Najeebah Al-Ghadban](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0TxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMi8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9nZW9yZ2UtY2xvb25leS1taWRuaWdodC1za3kuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Screenland We Live in Disastrous Times. Why Can’t Disaster Movies Evolve? George Clooney’s new apocalypse movie does what they all do: turn the end of the world into a personal issue. But the truth is we’re all in it together. By Peter C. Baker](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0TxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMi8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9nZW9yZ2UtY2xvb25leS1taWRuaWdodC1za3kuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Illustration by Louise Zergaeng Pomeroy](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0T7aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMi8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tb24tbmFtaW5nLWNoaWxkcmVuLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMTAyMDYmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MjY4MzMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD01MTEyOSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYBrafR5g9cbrPlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [Judge John Hodgman on Naming Children Does a husband have unlimited veto power? What if he has no suggestions of his own? By Judge John Hodgman](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0T7aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMi8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9qdWRnZS1qb2huLWhvZGdtYW4tb24tbmFtaW5nLWNoaWxkcmVuLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9NTImZW1jPWVkaXRfbWFfMjAyMTAyMDYmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MjY4MzMmbmw9dGhlLW5ldy15b3JrLXRpbWVzLW1hZ2F6aW5lJnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD01MTEyOSZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKYBrafR5g9cbrPlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA) [[Article Image] Â](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0TlaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMi8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLWNvbmZlc3Npb24uaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Poem: Confession Leila Chatti’s poem about childbirth reveals that sometimes it’s brutally hard to be a woman in this world. By Leila Chatti and Reginald Dwayne Betts](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0TlaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMi8wNC9tYWdhemluZS9wb2VtLWNvbmZlc3Npb24uaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRiAQLaP0TuaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMi8wMi9tYWdhemluZS9ob3ctdG8td3JpdGUtYW4tb2JpdHVhcnkuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDIwNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjgzMyZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTUxMTI5JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0QgpgGtp9HmD1xus-Uht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Tip How to Write an Obituary Remember that your aim is to center the person’s life and not your grief, profound though it may be. 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