Should I Warn My Ex’s Fiancée About His Cheating?

Is it concern or revenge? [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP4Q1AWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDExNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjA4OSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcHJvZHVjdENvZGU9TUEmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTQ5NDc2JnRlPTEmdXJpPW55dCUzQSUyRiUyRm5ld3NsZXR0ZXIlMkZiNWM2ODA1OS02Mzg5LTU0MzItODVkZS0wYjQ5ZjEzNGM4NTMmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP0S9aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTUyJmVtYz1lZGl0X21hXzIwMjEwMTE2Jmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTI2MDg5Jm5sPXRoZS1uZXcteW9yay10aW1lcy1tYWdhemluZSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9NDk0NzYmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCl_9cc4CYMWnGQhSG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAA~~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) ~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP0RtaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYxOTY2JmxpPU1BJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1NQV8yMDIxMDExNlcDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~ [The New York Times Magazine](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP0TNaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9tYWdhemluZT9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDExNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjA4OSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTQ5NDc2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) January 16, 2021 [[Article Image] Illustration by Tomi Um](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP4QLAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjEvMDEvMTIvbWFnYXppbmUvc2hvdWxkLWktd2Fybi1teS1leHMtZmlhbmNlZS1hYm91dC1oaXMtY2hlYXRpbmctaGVhcnQuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDExNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjA4OSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTQ5NDc2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [The Ethicist Should I Warn My Ex’s Fiancée About His Cheating Heart? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on telling your ex’s fiancée that he betrayed her, absconding with a valuable letter discovered in a rental home — and more. By Kwame Anthony Appiah](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP4QLAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjEvMDEvMTIvbWFnYXppbmUvc2hvdWxkLWktd2Fybi1teS1leHMtZmlhbmNlZS1hYm91dC1oaXMtY2hlYXRpbmctaGVhcnQuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDExNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjA4OSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTQ5NDc2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) Months after I called it quits on a long-distance relationship that lasted years, my ex came to town and met me for dinner. We ended up spending the next two evenings and nights together. Hopeful that we might actually make it stick, I stayed in touch, even once I figured out that he had already — before his visit — entered another relationship. He wrote me heartfelt, regret-filled emails and assured me that he was working on extricating himself from this “Plan B.” After connecting on and off for months via email, text and phone, I learned not only that he had entered a relationship but also that it was with an old flame, and that he slipped an engagement ring on her finger well before came to see me. I feel great pain and sympathy for his fiancée, who has been as betrayed and disrespected as I have. We are both victims; he selfishly stole a year of my life and caused me emotional trauma sure to haunt me forever, and she is probably preparing to enter a marriage that will be defined by lies. She just doesn’t know it. I want this woman to walk down that aisle with her eyes open; but there’s a part of me that wonders whether I am just seeking revenge. How do I tell the difference, and where do I draw the ethical line between assuaging my anger and protecting her future? [Read the Ethicist’s response here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP4QLAWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lm55dGltZXMuY29tLzIwMjEvMDEvMTIvbWFnYXppbmUvc2hvdWxkLWktd2Fybi1teS1leHMtZmlhbmNlZS1hYm91dC1oaXMtY2hlYXRpbmctaGVhcnQuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDExNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjA4OSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTQ5NDc2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~). 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By Sam Anderson](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP0TuaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMS8xMy9tYWdhemluZS9pLXJlY29tbWVuZC1lYXRpbmctY2hpcHMuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDExNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjA4OSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTQ5NDc2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Heami Lee for The New York Times. Food stylist: Maggie Ruggiero. Prop stylist: Miako Katoh.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP0TiaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMS8xMy9tYWdhemluZS90cmlwZS1yZWNpcGUuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDExNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjA4OSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTQ5NDc2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Eat The Case for Stewed Tripe There’s abundant offal to be had at the supermarket, and this spicy, slurpable dish is exactly how you should cook it. By Gabrielle Hamilton](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP0TiaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMS8xMy9tYWdhemluZS90cmlwZS1yZWNpcGUuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDExNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjA4OSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTQ5NDc2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [[Article Image] Photo illustration by Ina Jang](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP0T0aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMS8xMi9tYWdhemluZS9hdXRvaW1tdW5lLWxpbWJpYy1lbmNlcGhhbGl0aXMuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDExNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjA4OSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTQ5NDc2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Diagnosis Normally Sharp, He Was Chronically Confused. What Was Going On? He was getting lost driving home from work. And he was having strange spasms. What was the cause? By Lisa Sanders, M.D.](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRh5VNxP0T0aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMS8wMS8xMi9tYWdhemluZS9hdXRvaW1tdW5lLWxpbWJpYy1lbmNlcGhhbGl0aXMuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD01MiZlbWM9ZWRpdF9tYV8yMDIxMDExNiZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0yNjA4OSZubD10aGUtbmV3LXlvcmstdGltZXMtbWFnYXppbmUmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTQ5NDc2JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpf_XHOAmDFpxkIUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~) [Poem: Variation on a Theme by Elizabeth Bishop Sometimes we know who we are by remembering what we’ve lost. 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