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Tuesday, May 28, 2019
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[George Wylesol]
George Wylesol
So Youâre Back at Home for the Summer â¦
[Claire Haug]
Claire Haug
Contributor to The Edit
When youâre used to the autonomy of college â 3 a.m. McDonaldâs runs and borrowing your roommateâs sweaters because all your clothes are dirty â coming back to your parentâs home during breaks can be a shock to the system.
I, and many of my friends, often find that summers at home bring about a sort of regression. Itâs shockingly easy to slip back into old habits when youâre spending all your time in spaces that defined your childhood and teenage years. How can you balance your newfound independence with the unique dynamics that come with living at home with family?
With summer fast approaching, Hallie Reed, another contributor to The Edit, and I compiled a survival guide for those of you who, like us, are going to be spending this summer in the bed youâve had since primary school.
Establish clear expectations
âItâs helpful when both the college student and the parent realize theyâre sort of in an in-between space between childhood and adulthood, especially if the college student is living at home,â said Lisa Damour, an author and psychologist. âThereâs probably a whole new set of rules and expectations that are not the same ones as high school but are also not the same as someone, say, renting an apartment.â
Try to come to the table with an open mind. âWhen parents are asking very reasonable logistical questions such as when will you be home, when will the car be back, it is easy to hear something behind that question, like an advisory or limiting message, when it might not be there,â Ms. Damour said.
Having a direct conversation with your parents can help avoid these kinds of misunderstandings. âIf youâre going to be out late,â Ms. Damour suggests asking questions like: âDo you want me to text you?â âDo you want me to leave a note?â âHow much communication do you need from me about my whereabouts?â
Prove yourself
If you want more freedom than you had when you were in high school, you may need to earn it over time. âIt is a lot easier for parents to grant more privileges if they see growing ownership of responsibility,â Ms. Damour said. âIf a college student wants to make it go well and communicate to their parents that they are in a new place developmentally, they can say things like, âAre there things I can do while Iâm home? Are there errands I can run for you?â And take the lead in shouldering more of the weight of running the household.â This makes it clear that youâre moving into adult territory, and can handle both the challenges and privileges that come with it.
When negotiating curfews, Philip Galanes, who serves up advice in The Timesâs Social Qâs column, suggests a similar strategy. Itâs often âbetter to live with the restrictive rule and show them that âOh yeah, she can be trusted, she is as responsible as she says she is.â This might yield a kind of overall loosening of the leash,â Mr. Galanes said. Coming home when you say you will can build trust with your parents and possibly open up opportunities for further negotiations of down the line.
Accept that dating is probably going to be awkward
Dating when youâre living at home in your 20s is at best slightly awkward, and at worst a tricky negotiation of boundaries, privacy and very strategic timing. Thereâs no smooth way to bring a Tinder date home to your childhood bedroom.
âI get a ton of these questions from students who are going home and they think of it like, âHow am I going to bear it, how am I going to survive it, my prudish parents,ââ Mr. Galanes said. He suggests, you guessed it: communication. If youâre worried about having overnight guests, just ask.
âFor some kids it would be a giant problem even admitting to their parents that they are sleeping with someone. So obviously this isnât for those people,â he said. But if you do think your parents would be open to it, âsome night quietly after dinner youâd say, âCan we talk about something? Iâm seeing this guy or seeing this woman. How would you feel if he slept over?â,â Mr. Galanes said. âAnd youâll get their answer.â They might shut down the conversation the first time, but you can revisit the topic later. âItâs just about having a conversation but having it gently, and with the kind of respect that lets them know that you know that itâs their house and youâre asking for it, not entitled to something,â he said.
Get out of the house
Iâve found that one of the easiest ways to slip into that sweet, sweet summer depression is by staying inside all the time. Try to find a job that gets you out of the house. If youâre working remotely, find a place to do your work thatâs outside the house, if only for a few hours a day. Iâm a big fan of working from my local public library, and camping out in a coffee shop always puts me in a better mood if I havenât left the house yet that day.
If working isnât an option, finding a way to volunteer in your community can be a good alternative. âIt sounds really cheesy, but places are always needing volunteers and it gets you out of the house so you are staying active,â Abi Rodgers, a senior at Samford University, said. âI know after a few days with my siblings at home I start going stir crazy, and it is surprisingly hard to find a summer job as a college student since itâs such a short amount of time.â
You might want to find even more distance. âI like to plan a few weeks away from home to give me some time feeling independent and productive,â Ms. Reed said. âIâm spending a week as a volunteer counselor at a summer camp for foster kids, and another working at a camp at my university.â
Stay positive
It can be easy to feel like going home is a step back from the progress youâve made over the past year, or to feel that youâre not doing enough, compared to friends who are traveling or who have internships in distant cities. But just because youâre living at home again does not mean that youâve plateaued.
âI have to remember that summer breaks are meant to be breaks, and that the things I do during the summer still contribute to my growth as a person,â said Adrian Jade Matias Bell, a recent University of Southern California graduate, in an email.
âThink of it as a small hiccup on the road to independence,â Mr. Galanes said. âTake a breath, take a break, itâs going to be over before you know it.â
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By MICAELA MARINI HIGGS
So much of who you are is wrapped up in work, but you are more than your job.
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Dive in! Here are 75 of the latest and greatest books to keep you company as temperatures climb and days grow long.
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The tech company has long used contractors, but some employees worry that a growing reliance on them represents a shifting, less admirable work culture.
[âThese things would be out there all day,â Lt. Ryan Graves said. âKeeping an aircraft in the air requires a significant amount of energy. With the speeds we observed, 12 hours in the air is 11 hours longer than weâd expect.â](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRe0D94P0SSaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAxOS8wNS8yNi91cy9wb2xpdGljcy91Zm8tc2lnaHRpbmdzLW5hdnktcGlsb3RzLmh0bWw_ZW1fcG9zPW1lZGl1bSZyZWY9aW1nJm5sX2FydD00JnRlPTEmbmw9dGhlLWVkaXQmZW1jPWVkaXRfZWRfMjAxOTA1MjhXA255dEIKACN4uu1cExIHzlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA)
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Queer Love: Conversations Across Generations
Wednesday, June 12 at 6:30 p.m. at the San Diego Central Library, Neil Morgan Auditorium
L.G.B.T.Q.+ people often spend their formative years without mentors who can share their insights and provide guidance on what adult life looks like. What stories would we share across generations if we had them? In advance of the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall uprising, Jamal Jordan, author/photographer of the 2018 article â[Queer Love in Color](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRe0D94P0RkaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAxOC8wNi8yMS91cy9xdWVlci1sb3ZlLWluLWNvbG9yLmh0bWw_dGU9MSZubD10aGUtZWRpdCZlbWM9ZWRpdF9lZF8yMDE5MDUyOFcDbnl0QgoAI3i67VwTEgfOUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAA~),â will explore, through photos, video and sound, the transformative conversations between L.G.B.T.Q.+ youth and elders that will be part of The Timesâs special section for Pride month. For more information, [click here](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRe0D94P0RQaHR0cDovL3RpbWVzZXZlbnRzLm55dGltZXMuY29tL2pvcmRhblNEL25sP3RlPTEmbmw9dGhlLWVkaXQmZW1jPWVkaXRfZWRfMjAxOTA1MjhXA255dEIKACN4uu1cExIHzlIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAA). This is a free event hosted in collaboration with the San Diego Public Library.
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