The Edit: How To Make Friends

Plus: Improving your morning routine. View in [Browser]( | Add nytdirect@nytimes.com to your address book. [The New York Times]( [The New York Times]( Wednesday, October 24, 2018 [NYTimes.com »]( George Wylesol Welcome to The Edit newsletter. Each week you’ll hear from [college students and recent graduates]( about issues going on in their lives. [How to Make Friends]( By LINDSEY UNDERWOOD A few weeks ago, I got a note from a reader named Amanda Schockling. She wrote, “I’ve been out of college for 3 years now and my question is this: How do you make meaningful friendships and connections as an adult?” It’s a good question, but I didn’t know how to answer it. After I graduated, I moved to D.C. for a new job. It was a really tough year that turned into three tough years. I met friends through work, but never felt like I found my people. I discovered that I loved yoga, but never found a community there, probably because you don’t talk during yoga. Maybe if I’d read this, things would have turned out differently. There’s no one way to make a friend, but there are definitely things you can do to try. I asked The Edit contributors and some co-workers from around The Times if they’d ever had trouble making friends and if they had any advice. Here’s what they said: If you’re looking for a cheat sheet Jazmine Hughes, associate editor for The New York Times Magazine Making friends is actually quite simple; most people are flattered that someone cool (that would be you, taking my advice) wants to befriend them. If there is a person in your workplace, church group or running club that sets off Potential Friend sirens in your head, here’s what you do: 1) Become a person who is comfortable spouting non-sequiturs. Friendship starts by talking, which means that someone has to start talking! Comment on the weather, or the smell of the room, or something on TV last night … regularly. It’s pleasant to make conversation about something light. Just talk about Beyoncé! 2) Then, once you have built up a rapport with your Potential Friend, you have to DTT: Divulge To Them. Share a very tiny secret, like you have cramps or you’re hung over or you accidentally voted for Bush. This is step one to building trust. 3) The next step is crucial! After you DTT, wait a period of time, and then refer back to the thing you divulged to them! You are creating an inside joke. THE FOUNDATION OF FRIENDSHIP. 4) And finally, you have to ask them to hang out with you one on one. And then again, 2-6 weeks later. Then they should get the hint and ask you to hang out, too. Now you are friends. Congrats! If you’re in college Kevin Liao, contributor to The Edit When I first got to college, I immediately felt an unshakable isolation. “I must be doing something wrong,” I thought. But I soon found comfort in my dorm’s RAs, who assured me this was a normal part of being at a new school. And while they didn’t magically cure my loneliness, they definitely helped me live with the feeling. Lauretta Charlton, [Race/Related]( editor I went the University of San Francisco, but my best friends from college went to other schools in the Bay Area. What brought us together was music. I went to shows every week — Bottom of the Hill, the Fillmore, Great American Music Hall — and that’s were I found my crew. There were times when I went to shows alone, and that was hard. But once the band started playing, I forgot about how embarrassed I was to show up solo. Music brings people together. Hallie Reed, contributor to The Edit In high school I had a hard time making friends, so I tried to make it easier on myself in college. I chose a college with small classes. I pledged a sorority so I would have built-in social activities. I joined the crew team so that exercising would be social, too. It’s gone a lot better than high school so far, but there’s still moments of loneliness even in my sophomore year. Claire Haug, contributor to The Edit What they don’t tell you when you’re filling out your college applications is that college is an inherently lonely experience. So much of your college life is spent alone, whether it’s studying or doing errands or just watching a movie by yourself on a Friday night because none of your friends’ schedules line up. One of the most valuable things I’ve learned in college so far is how to be alone without being lonely. If you’re starting a new job Caity Weaver, writer for The New York Times Magazine and Styles The best way to make friends is to be curious about people. This doesn’t mean you should say “Tell me about yourself!” to everyone you meet — that’s disgusting. When you start a new job, transmit the message that you are friendly by peppering co-workers with bite-sized questions about their lives and jobs. Most people will think you have demonstrated good taste by being interested in them. If they give you one word answers, or avoid eye contact, they aren’t looking to make a friend right now. Move on. John-Michael Murphy, software engineer I worked my first job in a small college town in North Carolina. While there were a lot of young college students around, there weren’t many young professionals in my same stage of life. Being gay in a conservative state added another wrinkle. I never found a group of friends like I had in college. Instead, I wove a fabric of unconventional friendships, many which I still maintain. I made friends with local musicians and scheduled coffee with professors on campus. I found these friends when I stopped looking for people who shared my age and interests and when I stopped letting fear of embarrassment or awkwardness get in the way. Scheduling phone calls with my long-distance friends helped. So did widening the radius on dating apps. If you just moved Sopan Deb, culture reporter Shortly after I graduated from Boston University in 2010, I moved to New York and started working as an assistant producer at NBC’s “Rock Center with Brian Williams.” I wasn’t the happiest person in the world at the job, namely because the show’s low ratings meant it could get canceled at any second, which is, uh, what happened. But leading up to the unceremonious axing, it was a stressful experience. Add in a painful break up with my college girlfriend, my head wasn’t in a good place. I needed to find something to help take the edge off. I took an improv class. There are two things I recommend to every 20-something year old. Take an improv class and see a therapist. Even if you feel like you’re very mentally in touch with yourself, it’s helpful to talk through things with someone. And improv is an incredible experience. You get to create new worlds out of nothing. It’s such a social experience that you can’t help but make friends. And even if you don’t, you’re laughing the whole time. And when you are a recently-graduated young professional, experiencing being on your own in a brutal city like New York, you can’t ask for too much more. Stine Dahlberg, managing director of brand marketing I have a habit of relocating, having done so nine times in 15 years. When I moved to New York a year ago I decided to see it as a catalyst for doing things I’ve never tried before. Continuing Education classes were a great way to meet new people and I got to try new things like graphic design or drawing. Many companies have HR budgets to fund that, use them! And if you can, find a co-working or community space with events and talks. I’ve met so many amazing women at The Wing. Tim Hatton, contributor to The Edit After four years of living with roommates, I came into this summer terrified to have an apartment to myself and an internship in a cubicle. That’s not to say I don’t like being alone. I do, but I also know that means I’m always at risk of isolating myself. It’s been important to plan ahead and actively make time to spend with other people. If you’re just getting older Robbie Harms, contributor to The Edit I teach fifth grade, and I often envy how easily friendships form among 10 year olds. Four square, Fortnite, food — all of these can spark conversation. Heck, the mere act of sitting next to the same person for five-plus hours a day is bound to produce at least a few friendships. In the post-college years, I’ve learned that there is no secret formula, no three-step process that results in an impressive social circle. Instead, I’ve found it’s best to keep it simple: Be kind and approachable. At least, that’s what I’ve learned from my fifth graders. Claire O’Neill, art director for NYT Climate In some ways, the older you get the harder it seems — when you’re way less physically capable of all-nighters and way too busy for the hours-on-end hangs like you had in college. Over the years, though, I’ve found that all it really takes is one good friend. Someone who you can be totally yourself around, riff and grow with. The click is fast and natural with a person who just gets you, and who you get in return. It’s also way more comforting and rewarding than a big circle of acquaintances who keep you busy, but maybe a little less grounded. Ian Caveny, contributor to The Edit My wife and I have started a practice we call The Friendship Meal. What happens is something like this: we take a person or a couple and invite them to come have dinner with us. It’s almost always a disorienting thing to begin with — we don’t know them, they don’t know us, and everyone’s pretty shy. And sometimes the meals stay there: shyness and lack of connection, we eat and go separate ways. But sometimes that special spark happens, and, all-of-a-sudden, the conversations last for hours. And that makes the risk worth it! Have you ever struggled to make friends? Do you have any advice for how to get through it? We want to hear from you. Email us at theedit@nytimes.com with the subject line “Friends” and we’ll share some of your answers in the future. Please include your full name and location. HOW ARE WE DOING? We’d love your feedback on this newsletter. Please email thoughts and suggestions to [the edit@nytimes.com](mailto:theedit@nytimes.com?subject=The%20Edit%20Newsletter%20Feedback). LIKE THIS EMAIL? Forward it to your friends, and let them know they can sign up [here](. What We’re Reading Haein Jeong [I’ve Interviewed 300 High Achievers About Their Morning Routines. 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