Your NewsThump Daily Briefing for Wed, 19 Apr

This is your daily summary of the topical jokes and stories on NewsThump.com [View this email in your browser]( [NewsThump Daily Briefing Header]( Hello from NewsThump! Below you will find the top stories on our site for today Wed, 19 Apr, we hope they provide you with a few fleeting moments of respite from the calamity continually unfolding around us. [Government insists forthcoming emergency alert test already 100% successful in identifying nation’s gullible simpletons]( [Conspiracy theorist in a tin foil hat] Sunday's emergency mobile phone alert test has already proven completely successful in identifying the sort of gullible simpleton who can be easily tricked into thinking the it will trigger some sort of pathogen or mind-control agent. [Read more »]( [Prison sentences introduced for grown-ups who clap when a plane lands]( Grown adults who clap when a plane lands are to be given lengthy prison sentences under strict new laws being introduced by the government, it has emerged today. [Read more »]( [Rupert Murdoch furious at Fox News lawyers for depriving him of the opportunity to prove the journalistic integrity of his media empire]( [Rupert Murdoch furious at Fox News Settlement] Rupert Murdoch is on the warpath today after Fox News lawyers chose to give Dominion Voting Systems three-quarters of a billion dollars instead of letting him use open court to prove the journalistic integrity of his media empire. [Read more »]( [Frank Lampard sacked by Todd Boehly and immediately rehired as caretaker’s caretaker manager for last six games]( [Frank Lampard the caretaker's caretaker manager] Frank Lampard has sensationally been sacked and re-appointed as caretaker's caretaker by Chelsea owner Todd Boehly following the club’s exit from the Champions League last night. [Read more »]( [Government confirms over 60s can use golliwogs as voter ID]( [Old man holding a golliwog doll] Despite claims of vote rigging, the government has pushed ahead with controversial voter ID plans that would allow elderly citizens to enter polling stations upon presentation of a blatantly racist doll alongside a dubious claim that it was a key part of their childhood. Simon WIlliams MP, Minister for Stopping Young People Voting, denied that [Read more »]( [Scottish National Party Crime Syndicate could ‘go legit’ within five years      Â]( The powerful Scottish National Party Crime Syndicate that has dominated organised crime in much of Scotland for the last decade, is understood to be looking to make itself completely legitimate within the next five years. [Read more »]( [Jacob Rees-Mogg shares instructions on how to remove batteries from your smoke alarms to avoid ‘unnecessary alerts’]( [Jacob Rees-Mogg disabling a smoke alarm] Jacob Rees-Mogg has given viewers to his GB News show instructions on how to disable their smoke alarms because grown people don't need the nanny state to warn them when their house might be on fire. [Read more »]( [Some of the newest NewsThump T-shirt designs]( Have you checked out the latest NewsThump T-shirts? Click the image to see the full range! Copyright © 2023 Thump Publishing Limited, All rights reserved. You are receiving this email because you asked us to send you a daily summary of NewsThump's headlines. A wise choice, may we add. Our mailing address is: Thump Publishing Limited 40 Caversham RoadReading, Berkshire RG1 7BT United Kingdom [Add us to your address book]( Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. [Mailchimp Email Marketing](