Your NewsThump Daily Briefing for Mon, 27 Mar

This is your daily summary of the topical jokes and stories on NewsThump.com [View this email in your browser]( [NewsThump Daily Briefing Header]( Hello from NewsThump! Below you will find the top stories on our site for today Mon, 27 Mar, we hope they provide you with a few fleeting moments of respite from the calamity continually unfolding around us. If you've signed up for a free subscription on our website, don't forget to log in an enjoy NewsThump AD-FREE all this week! Thanks again for subscribing! [Which Tory MP should YOU buy? NewsThump’s guide to the best corrupt Conservatives for every budget]( As recent events have highlighted how easy buying a Tory MP has become, NewstThump has compared the market and discovered the best buys for the big spenders and the thrifty corrupters alike. [Read more »]( [Perfectly good slice of bread utterly ruined by Marmite]( A lovely, fluffy slice of fresh white bread has been 'irrevocably ruined' by the addition of Marmite, according to reports this afternoon. [Read more »]( [Man who enjoys telling people ‘if you don’t like it, leave!’ furious when migrants take that exact advice to come here]( If you don't like it here you should leave, and the people trying to come here should have stayed where they were to try and make it better, according to the hard of thinking today. [Read more »]( [GB News is not a news channel, but a ‘fatuous entertainment channel for dimwitted imbeciles’ confirms Ofcom]( Broadcasting regulator Ofcom has insisted that GB News has not breached the regulations that forbid sitting MPs from presenting news programmes after insisting that no one in their right mind considers GB News a place where you can become more informed about current affairs. [Read more »]( [Shock as SNP set to announce H from Steps as new leader]( The SNP is set to stun the British political establishment with the shock announcement that they will be making H from Steps their new leader. [Read more »]( [Antonio Conte shatters the dream that it’s possible to call everyone you work with ‘totally shit’ and still keep your job]( As workers return to the office on Monday morning, despondent wage slaves have been left bereft after Antonio Conte shattered the dream that it was possible to call everyone you work with 'totally shit' and still keep your job. [Read more »]( [Youngsters should ditch nitrous and snort gak off a toilet seat like normal people, insists Michael Gove]( The government has promised to take strong action against a recreational drug so safe it’s given in limitless amounts to pregnant women in the throes labour, and plan to entice young people towards more respectable activities like snorting highly addictive class A's produced by mass murderers. [Read more »]( [Man begins three-day period of saying the time and then what time it ‘really’ is]( After the clocks went forward overnight, Simon Williams has begun his biannual three-day routine in which he will tell you the 'real' time whenever the time of day is discussed. [Read more »]( [Daily Mail fury as British Summer Time reduces prisoner sentences by one full hour]( Murderers and rapists, many of them foreign, are sticking two fingers up to Britain’s soft-touch justice system after clocks went forward by one hour. [Read more »]( [A selection of NewsThump T-shirt designs]( Have you checked out the latest NewsThump T-shirts? Click the image to see the full range! Copyright © 2023 Thump Publishing Limited, All rights reserved. You are receiving this email because you asked us to send you a daily summary of NewsThump's headlines. A wise choice, may we add. Our mailing address is: Thump Publishing Limited 40 Caversham RoadReading, Berkshire RG1 7BT United Kingdom [Add us to your address book]( Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. [Mailchimp Email Marketing](