Your NewsThump Daily Briefing for Mon, 02 Jan

This is your daily summary of the topical jokes and stories on NewsThump.com [View this email in your browser]( [NewsThump Daily Briefing Header]( Hello from NewsThump! Below you will find the top stories on our site for today Mon, 02 Jan, we hope they provide you with a few fleeting moments of respite from the calamity continually unfolding around us. Thanks again for subscribing! [Scarborough Walrus resumes hunt for Prime energy drink]( A walrus which popped up in Scarborough last week has arrived in the country to find a Prime energy drink, it has emerged. [Read more »]( [‘It’s bloody Easter!’ insist shops]( Shops have insisted today that it's Easter, so you need to start buying all your Easter eggs. Right away. [Read more »]( [The Matrix has sent its agents, explains 9-year-old grounded by his parents]( 9-year-old Jake Williams has told his friends how The Matrix has sent its agents to get him after he was grounded by his parents for bad behaviour. [Read more »]( [Government removes ‘govern’ from list of its New Year Resolutions]( The government is understood to have reconsidered its list of New Year Resolutions and has deleted its resolution that simply read ‘govern.’ [Read more »]( [‘2023 still pretty shit’ warn Australians]( The year 2023 is still ‘pretty shit’ according to Australians who have now begun bringing in the New Year because they live in the future. [Read more »]( [Nation busy making pathetic last-minute attempts at 2022’s New Year’s resolutions]( The entire nation is today busy scrambling around making pathetic attempts at entirely ignored 2022 resolutions, before making the next list of never to be attempted personal improvement goals. [Read more »]( [‘It just needs to be out of the house by New Year’ insists man eating third Chocolate Orange of the day]( A man opening his third chocolate orange of the day has insisted today that he just needs to get everything out of the house by New Year. [Read more »]( [A selection of NewsThump T-shirt designs]( Have you checked out the latest NewsThump T-shirts? Click the image to see the full range! Copyright © 2023 Thump Publishing Limited, All rights reserved. You are receiving this email because you asked us to send you a daily summary of NewsThump's headlines. A wise choice, may we add. Our mailing address is: Thump Publishing Limited 40 Caversham RoadReading, Berkshire RG1 7BT United Kingdom [Add us to your address book]( Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. [Mailchimp Email Marketing](