Your NewsThump Daily Briefing for Mon, 05 Dec

This is your daily summary of the topical jokes and stories on NewsThump.com [View this email in your browser]( [NewsThump Daily Briefing Header]( Hello from NewsThump! Below you will find the top stories on our site for today Mon, 05 Dec, we hope they provide you with a few fleeting moments of respite from the calamity continually unfolding around us. Thanks again for subscribing! [Harry and Meghan have made a Netflix show so now we should be allowed to go through their bins, insist morons]( Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, has lost her right to privacy because she willingly went on television to talk about herself, which obviously means everything in her private life is now fair game. [Read more »]( [Exposed! Shocking conditions in Santa’s workshop following Mike Ashley takeover]( Prior to Mike Ashley’s takeover of Santa’s workshop there were concerns throughout the elvish community that the Sports Direct mogul would bring about a dramatic deterioration in working conditions. Those concerns appear to have been well-founded. An elf who has worked in Santa’s workshop all his life has bravely spoken out to expose just how [Read more »]( [Single man proudly displaying Christmas cards from his utility providers]( A single male from Bracknell has received more adverts disguised as Christmas cards than actual Christmas cards so far this year, but is nonetheless happy to display them around his home. [Read more »]( [‘Do we REALLY need pigs in blankets?’ asks man apparently intent on ruining Christmas]( A man has asked his wife today if they really need pigs in blankets on their Christmas dinner, in an apparent act of sabotage on the whole of Christmas. [Read more »]( [‘Nadhim Zahawi is right, British nurses using food banks is the only thing stopping my conquest of Ukraine’, confirms Vladimir Putin]( Nadhim Zahawi’s controversial statement, that NHS staff should accept a drop in living standards to defy Putin, was validated by the Kremlin after it explained how the key obstacle to Russia’s winter offensive was a midwife in Poole forced to take out a payday loan to fix her boiler. [Read more »]( [King Charles announces plan to replace Beefeaters with Quorneaters]( King Charles has announced plans to extend his vegan tendencies to the Tower of London now that he has ascended to the throne. [Read more »]( [New Hunter Biden revelations cast doubt on the integrity of every single vote ever cast for Hunter Biden]( As Twitter CEO Elon Musk released evidence that Twitter sought to remove allegations against Presidential candidate Joe Biden's son, Hunter, experts suggest that it raises questions on the validity of every single vote that was cast for Hunter Biden in the 2020 election cycle. [Read more »]( [EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: ‘I was cancelled because of my conservative beliefs’ insists Darth Vader]( In an exclusive interview with NewsThump, Darth Vader has today criticised the woke leftist Alliance for their continued attempts to cancel him simply for his honestly held conservative beliefs. [Read more »]( [Nigel Farage launches reimagined nativity where the ‘real heroes’ are the innkeepers who insisted they were full]( GB News entertainment presenter Nigel Farage has commissioned a new nativity play in which the true heroes are the innkeepers who insisted they were full, despite increasing left-wing liberal pressure to adopt an open-door policy to refugees. [Read more »]( [A selection of NewsThump T-shirt designs]( Have you checked out the latest NewsThump T-shirts? Click the image to see the full range! Copyright © 2022 Thump Publishing Limited, All rights reserved. You are receiving this email because you asked us to send you a daily summary of NewsThump's headlines. A wise choice, may we add. Our mailing address is: Thump Publishing Limited 40 Caversham RoadReading, Berkshire RG1 7BT United Kingdom [Add us to your address book]( Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. [Mailchimp Email Marketing](