Your NewsThump Daily Briefing for Mon, 07 Nov

This is your daily summary of the topical jokes and stories on NewsThump.com [View this email in your browser]( [NewsThump Daily Briefing Header]( Hello from NewsThump! Below you will find the top stories on our site for today Mon, 07 Nov, we hope they provide you with a few fleeting moments of respite from the calamity continually unfolding around us. Thanks again for subscribing! [COP27 delegates reach historic agreement to turn that bloody light off if you’re not in there]( The delegates at COP27 have announced that they have reached an agreement to all turn that bloody light off if you’re not in there anymore. [Read more »]( [Peter Kay fans urged to save money on tour tickets by remembering things for themselves]( Peter Kay fans have been told they could save money on tickets for his new tour by simply going on their own nostalgia binge. [Read more »]( [Water companies announce new plans to spray sewage into the air]( Following increasing criticism over the practice of discharging sewage into rivers and oceans, water companies have announced new plans to spray excess sewage into the air. [Read more »]( [Cristiano Ronaldo smashes Premier League record for sulks per week]( Cristiano Ronaldo has smashed his previous record of sulks per week following Manchester United’s defeat to Aston Villa at the weekend. [Read more »]( [Home Secretary denies it was inflammatory to stand on a beach with a broken bottle yelling “Come on you c**ts!”]( The Home Office has issued a statement explaining there was nothing hateful in Suella Braverman smashing a bottle of Lambrusco while watching the RNLI bring in rescued migrants and pointing the jagged edge at the boats while screaming she’d “f**king cut the lot of you!” [Read more »]( [Twitter in chaos after thousands of blue-tick accounts spring up claiming to be Spartacus]( There is chaos and confusion today at Twitter HQ after a number of verified accounts sprung up, each claiming to be Spartacus. [Read more »]( [Right-wing commentators keen to distance themselves from radicalised Dover suicide bomber who believed absolutely everything they said]( Commentators and personalities with far-right views on immigration and nationalism have been quick to distance themselves from the Dover suicide bomber who appears to have believed absolutely everything they have ever said. [Read more »]( [Man can’t wait to give his personal and payment details to chaotic understaffed website that is desperately looking for new ways to make cash]( Free speech extremist Simon Williams can't wait to give Twitter his personal and payment details, insisting there is no better place to put all of this valuable information than into a server owned by a website currently reducing its security staff in a desperate driver for revenue. [Read more »]( [Man insists government’s performance should only be compared to fictional alternate reality where Labour are in charge]( A staunch supporter of Tory government has today insisted his party's time in charge should only be compared to a very specific alternative universe in which Labour has somehow made its way into Downing Street. [Read more »]( [‘Focus on the football’ insists governing body focussing entirely on the money]( Fifa has asked all competing nations at this year’s World Cup to 'focus on the football' as they focus entirely on all that lovely Qatari money whilst not giving a shit about anything else. mark [Read more »]( [A selection of NewsThump T-shirt designs]( Have you checked out the latest NewsThump T-shirts? Click the image to see the full range! Copyright © 2022 Thump Publishing Limited, All rights reserved. You are receiving this email because you asked us to send you a daily summary of NewsThump's headlines. A wise choice, may we add. Our mailing address is: Thump Publishing Limited 40 Caversham RoadReading, Berkshire RG1 7BT United Kingdom [Add us to your address book]( Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. [Mailchimp Email Marketing](