To Reward or Not Reward?

Learn better. Play smarter. | [View this email in your browser]( Parenting made simpler. Written by experts. Designed for intentional parents. To Reward or Not Reward? "What’s your take on rewards?" is a question we're often asked. So as the year gets underway with new routines and expectations, we’re jumping straight to the point on your most common "rewards" questions. While answering each of these goes well beyond the margins of this email (and each child learns uniquely and has a different learning process), here’s some nuggets that can serve as a quick roadmap. (Read more evidence-based guidance in our Plinkit articles below.) "Should I pay my child to do chores / 'family jobs'?" No. Most chores are things that a child should do to contribute to the family or community because they are part of it. In rewarding a child when they do a chore or an activity that benefits the community, they may learn that that chore is only worth doing when they're given some sort of prize as a result. A chore chart is a helpful tool to identify which tasks should be done, but unlike other charts, there is no built-in reward. If your child resists chores, try implementing the rule "Must-Do’s before Want-To-Do’s" so that your child understands that if they want something extra (go to the playground, go on a scooter ride, etc.), their Must-Do’s, which includes chores, must be done first. "Should I give my child an allowance?" Maybe. The benefit of allowance is largely tied to the conversations you have with your child around money and the life lessons you’re trying to instill. Allowance is instructional. Avoid giving money passively and keep allowance separate from chores. In our [Awesome Allowance System]( we encourage giving children practice in setting financial goals, making hard choices, and developing a sense for the value of money, and when and how you can implement an allowance system. "Should I reward my child for doing things they don’t like to do?" (e.g., brushing teeth, taking turns with toys, practicing a musical instrument, etc.) No. Research proves that extrinsic rewards may seemingly work in the short-term but have a negative effect on a child’s motivation in the long-term. (Parenting: It's a long game.) That material reward also acts as an implicit reinforcement to a child, "You should not like this activity - that’s why you’re getting a reward for doing it!" Instead, we’re big believers in tapping into a child’s internal motivation - try motivating them with [ERN encouragement]( (Empathy, Rationale, Non-controlling language). That feeling of mastery and autonomy is the reward. "Can I reward my child with screen time after school / at the end of their day?" This is a tricky one for which there are many different contexts. But, in general, for maturing children, we encourage following the "Must-Do’s before Want-To-Do’s" rule. For example, if you’ve completed all of your daily Must-Do’s (all, not some) then you could earn some screen time. Make sure you’re consistent and clear with your screen limits and consider noting them in your [Family Agreements.]( - Pro tip: Try adding to your routine, "Before beelining to a digital device, read independently for 10 minutes first." (20 minutes for emergent readers.) If you have a pre-reader, even building that habit of independently flipping through picture books is great. Some of Our Favorite Reward Ideas: - [Make a Marble Jar]( - Excellent for rewarding positive behavior like, "being a first-time listener", "trying something new", "being flexible", "quickly moving through transitions", etc. (For maturing children, this can also be a Put-up Jar where marbles are added for praise in lifting others up.) - [Reward Empathy with Hero Badge]( - A simple and heartwarming visual cue that reminds your child of the good they’ve done. ('That feeling' lasts much longer than an instant reward.) - [Sibling Love Jar]( - A quick way for siblings to recall happy moments and gratitude for one another. - Shout-Out Sunday - Make it routine to pause before a meal once a week to give shout-outs to one other. From doing something hard, to being inclusive, to respecting boundaries, to staying calm, vocally appreciating each other in front of each other for positive behavior, acts and character traits you’ve observed during the week is magical. - Special Time - Even 10 minutes a day of Special Time with each child where they choose the activity and you devote yourself to them (uninterrupted) goes a long way in helping them feel connected, and usually results in more cooperation and respect in the long run. Hello February! February is just around the corner and it’s filled with awesomeness: Lunar New Year Happy Lunar New Year to those who celebrate! May the Year of the Tiger bring you much strength, good health and grand fortune. You can [learn more here.]( Black History Month How many of [these books]( have you read with your child? Our hope is that through this edited collection, you can teach your child about Black history and culture in a way that integrates and honors African American voices throughout the year. There are many amazing Black people throughout America's collective history that have done tremendous things - inventors, scientists, musicians, every day heroes that impact our everyday. Present many narratives and keep building that practice of ongoing conversations with your child about [race]( and [racism.]( Valentine’s Day Has your child tried creating a [']( File]( (also known as a 'People File'*)? It’s a lovely way to encourage children (especially squabbling siblings) to get to know each other and connect. Special thanks to the brilliant, [Linda Groszyk,]( social cognitive specialist and Plinkit expert, for sharing this visual tool that children can use to develop a deeper understanding and appreciation for their friends and family. (*Creating People Files is a strategy that has been popularized and taught by Social Thinking® for individuals with social cognitive challenges to help them develop curiosity and wonder about other people.) PLINKIT POST [Reinforce (vs. Reward) Positive Behavior]( Nurture positive reinforcements with 3 key concepts. Plus, have you heard of the 6:1 ratio of positive to negative comments? How does your ratio stack up? [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2018%2F03%2Freinforce-vs-reward-good-behavior%2F) [Share]( PLINKIT POST [How to Create Family Agreements]( A step-by-step guide to implementing this research-based approach to establishing positive behaviors, individual accountability and community responsibility in your home. [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2019%2F01%2Fhow-to-create-family-agreements-respectful-rules-with-kids%2F) [Share]( PLINKIT POST [How to Get Your Child to Practice]( How to reframe 'practice' into your child’s daily routine and learn when you can expect your child to practice skills without prompting. [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2018%2F01%2Fget-child-practice%2F) [Share]( PLINKIT POST [Discipline vs. Punishment - Logical Consequences]( A reminder that grown-ups do not need to make children feel badly in order to encourage them to do better. [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2018%2F04%2Fdiscipline-vs-punishment-logical-consequences%2F) [Share]( PLINKIT POST [Raise Responsible Children - Introduce Chores]( Doing chores as early as ages 3 or 4 is the best predictor of success in young adulthood. Here's a game plan for making chores an every day habit. [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2017%2F08%2Fintroduce-chores-child%2F) [Share]( PLINKIT POST [An Awesome Approach to Allowance]( Save, spend, give, invest. How to create an allowance system that empowers your child to experience the process of financial decision-making. [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2017%2F09%2Fawesome-approach-allowance%2F) [Share]( Be a Plinkit Pro We hope you enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through Plinkit Pro membership support. Membership support allows us to keep bringing you time-saving and practical child development insights. [BE A PLINKIT PRO]( to enjoy access to all our expert guidance and events. Learn better. Play smarter. [EXPLORE OUR TOPICS]( FOLLOW US: If you liked what you read, FORWARD to a friend! Our content is written in partnership with the best child development experts. No ads. No sponsored recommendations. Just original content. This email was sent to {EMAIL} [why did I get this?]( [unsubscribe from this list]( [update subscription preferences]( Plinkit · Parenting made simpler. · Written by experts. 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