Newsletter Monday, May 30, 2016

[LaineyGossip.com - Calling all smuthounds!] Monday, May 30, 2016 [Intro for May 30, 2016] [Johnny Depp/Tom Cruise] Dear Gossips, Last weekend, [The New York Times] published an article about the death of Traditional Movie Stardom, blaming superhero movie franchises for its demise. Debatable, and worthy of a discussion in and of itself. But then, in the days that followed, we actually watched the fall of one of the biggest Traditional Movie Stars, Johnny Depp. There was a time, not that long ago, when they were untouchable. Hollywood had set it up so that movie stars were protected by several barriers, and messes like the one unfolding between Johnny and Amber Heard were buried by Ray Donovans and Olivia Popes, “fixers” working at the behest of the studios protecting their investments – the movie stars. But as noted in the [NYT], “When the character is more famous than the actor playing it, how does anybody develop the trademarks of a star? The prerogatives of the comic book are warping the properties of movie stardom”. Is there a connection here? The writer’s definition of “character” is strictly limited in this case to the comics. But if you pull back and take a broader application of “character” and relate it, say, to reality television and the “characters” played by those who’ve risen on the reality medium, the effect on the Traditional Movie Star is undeniable. I may not like it for but an entire generation of pop culture consumer, Kanye West’s wife’s family has become celebrity royalty, with a (scripted) serialised television show every week narrating their personal lives, not unlike the serialised stories involving superheroes issued on a similar schedule, providing ceaseless self-generated content creation where being yourself, or a specific self-drawn version of yourself and not acting as someone else, is the new talent. That’s the new mask – not Batman, not Spider-Man, but just me, Me, Myself, and I. And the Tom Cruises and the Johnny Depps don’t know how to play that game. Yours in gossip, Lainey [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 12:59 PM [Radiohead, Thom, Kate] [Thom Yorke of Radiohead performs at The Roundhouse on May 26, 2016 in London, England] Last Thursday Jacek and I had dinner listening to Radiohead on all album shuffle. We’ve lived with the new album, A Moon Shaped Pool, for a few weeks now. It’s so f-cking good. It’s so f-cking gorgeous. That night, Radiohead played The Roundhouse in London, the first time they performed in London since 2012. The reviews the next day were, unsurprisingly, amazing. I’ve seen Radiohead with Jacek a few times, but always in arenas or amphitheatres, never at a venue like The Roundhouse – just over 3,000 people. Jacek, however, saw them just after The Bends came out, at the Commodore Ballroom with maybe, maybe, 1,500 others. That’s a lifetime f-cking experience. And the people at The Roundhouse have just enjoyed a lifetime f-cking experience, perhaps an even better one because the set list is that much more. [Click here] for details. Anyway, I was going to write about this on Friday and then Amber Heard went to court so I ran out of time. And I thought it would be too late to post pictures of [Thom Yorke] and the band after the weekend. But then [Kate Hudson] and [Matt Bellamy], with his girlfriend Elle Evans, were all at the same party on Saturday and now I’ve found my in. Because do you remember when Kate and Matt got together he was supposedly her second option? Kate was at Coachella in April 2010 which is where she met Matt. According to US Weekly at the time – via [Celebitchy]: A source says when the pair met at Coachella in April, the serial dater was more interested in Radiohead’s Thom Yorke, 41, (who has a longtime girlfriend): “She was chatting him up. He just shrugged and was unresponsive.” Another insider adds, “After she was rejected, she said, ‘What other up-and-coming bands can I go hit on?” Enter Bellamy. Says the source: “She just pounced!” Thom was with Rachel Owens, the mother of his two children, for 23 years. Was. They [very quietly separated] last year. He’s single now. Kate is single now. Should we put that on our watch list? [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 7:47 PM [Smutty Tingles] Prince William in royal position ([Dlisted]) Liam Hemsworth talks about Miley Cyrus but not really ([Just Jared]) Is Tom Hiddleston getting what he begged for? ([Cele|bitchy]) JLO at the pool party ([TooFab]) A Beckham baby throwback ([Pop Sugar]) What’s he going to say that they’re so afraid of??? ([The Superficial]) Bralet on the outside ([Hollywood Tuna]) Don’t mind the jumpsuit. Hate the hair. ([Go Fug Yourself]) Memorial Day memories of Gossip Girl ([Gossip Girl]) [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 6:05 PM [McAvoy, Fassbender, and Lawrence in X-Men: Apocalypse] [James McAvoy on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, May 26, 2016] Are people ready yet to admit that the X-Men movies aren’t very good? There is no reason in a year in which people accepted Captain America and the f*cking Vision in the same film for an X-Men movie to look as drab and boring as X-Men: Apocalypse looks. Sixteen years and nine movies into the franchise, and nothing has f*cking changed in the world of the X-Men, despite a decades-spanning storyline. This movie is so bland it’s almost spiteful. Jumping off from f*cking nowhere because even when they share timelines these movies have no-f*cking-thing to do with one another, X-Men: Apocalypse is set in the 1980s, mostly for the bitching music cues and occasional pastel jacket. The “young” X-Men cast—never mind that in their own established timeline most of these characters would now be in their fifties—from First Class return, headed up by [James McAvoy] as Professor X, [Michael Fassbender] as Magneto, and [Jennifer Lawrence] as Mystique. They are joined by some new young’uns, most notably Sophie Turner as young Jean Grey, Alexandra Shipp as young Storm, and Olivia Munn as a horrible disappointment I don’t want to talk about. Also Oscar Isaac stars as the villain, a giant purple dildo. The story is paper thin and breaks down about halfway through because Bryan Singer & Co. have never ever figured out how to balance these ensembles, but it goes something like this: Ten years has passed since the last film and nothing of note has happened to anyone. Magneto is living in the woods with a new family, everything else is the same for everyone else. The only compelling part of Apocalypse is the early stuff with Magneto and his family. If the entire movie had been from his POV, maybe we would have been onto something. But instead we hopscotch around, meeting new mutants we are given absolutely no reason to give a sh*t about—a consistent problem in X-movies—and Jennifer Lawrence is around, looking horribly bored. I have heard stories about Lawrence being distracted on set between takes—by her phone, by conversation, by food. But when “action” is called, she switches on and delivers incredible performances, so people just roll with her inattention between takes because she’s so enormously talented she can just flip it on and off like that. Watching her in Apocalypse, though, is like seeing her in those moments between takes—distracted, bored, wanting to go home. I swear in one scene it looks like she’s reading a text message mid-line delivery. But it’s not just her. EVERYONE gives a bad performance in Apocalypse. Most are just victims of having absolutely f*cking NOTHING to work with, but even Fassbender, who gets the “best” writing—keeping in mind that “best” is relative and this movie is dog sh*t—can’t overcome the appalling script. Regardless of how good the actor is, the minute you have a character yelling, “Is this what you want from me?” at the sky, it’s over. That’s almost as bad as the part where Oscar Isaac, encased in a latex tube, touches a TV and whispers that he’s “learrrrrrrnnnnning”. Everything about this movie makes me angry but nothing makes me madder than squandering charming actors playing fun characters. A#1 is Evan Peters as Quicksilver—once again the best part of the movie. Everyone will think Apocalypse is a good movie but what they really mean is that the Quicksilver scenes are f*cking boss. Everything around those scenes actually blows diarrhea chunks, but man, those Quicksilver bits really are fun. And Alexandra Shipp shows some promise as Storm, but unfortunately she barely gets a chance to showcase her personality. Ditto for Sophie Turner, who NEVER gets to show her personality as Jean Grey. But the worst are [Olivia Munn] and, painfully—sorry Lainey!—[Oscar Isaac], who gives a hellacious performance as Apocalypse. I don’t know what I was thinking, expecting Olivia Munn to be good in a movie. She’s f*cking awful and it seems her scenes were structured to deliberately work around how bad she is. She’s barely in the movie, she speaks even less, and half the time she is on camera, she looks confused. And Isaac, bless his heart, is trying, but he’s saddled with a godawful character design and ninety pounds of bad makeup, and next-level embarrassing writing. At least we’ll always have Poe. Superhero Face Punch is hot garbage, but it’s hot garbage because of a director’s specific vision. It’s not a vision anyone likes or particularly wants, but at least it’s a vision. Apocalypse is hot garbage because no one had an idea for it beyond “We gotta crank another one of these out before Marvel reclaims the rights”. It’s time to get a new creative team—Bryan Singer doesn’t have an interesting take on these characters, and he seems totally indifferent to making actually good movies from the X-Men. Someone please save the X-Men before they ruin the Dark Phoenix saga. Again. PS The James McAvoy Snots Everywhere In Every Movie Streak: Still alive! One instance of cry-snotting, one instance of blood-snotting. Attached - James McAvoy promoting X-Men on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last week. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 5:42 PM [George & Amal’s weekend with the Pope] [Pope Francis meets actor George Clooney and his wife Amal, at a meeting with the Scholas Occurrentes, an educational organization founded by Pope Francis, at the Vatican, Sunday, May 29, 2016] [George] and [Amal Clooney] spent the weekend in Rome. The Clooneys were in Rome to meet the Pope. [Per PEOPLE]: The couple, who attended the pontiff's Un Muro o Un Ponte Seminary at Paul VI Hall, were also on hand so that George could be awarded a medal for his work with Francis' [Scholas Occurrentes], an International Organization of Pontifical Right that connects technology with arts and sports, according to its website. Salma Hayek and Richard Gere are also ambassadors. I like George’s expression while he’s shaking hands with His Excellency. He seems genuinely excited and fangirly. Amal too looks adorably nervous. So that’s where the ultra-famous get star-struck: the Vatican. During their stay in Rome, the Clooneys went out for dinner a few times, Amal in various outfits. My favourite, I think, is the diagonal striped dress with one shoulder slipping off. The pillbox turban for their meeting with the Pope is pretty spectacular though. That’s how you see it too, right? With more angles than a turban but not quite the structure of a pillbox. And definitely reminiscent of Mrs Jackie Kennedy? Or just me? We’ve been talking a lot about movie stars today. We’ve seen two movie stars who were once thought invulnerable, Tom Cruise and Johnny Depp, descend dramatically. George Clooney is undeniably a movie star, a member of a dying breed. One by one they are falling, facing extinction. Who’s next? [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 4:49 PM [Tom Hardy stands] [Tom Hardy poses with Team Audi Ultra members Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, Luke Tomlinson, Mark Tomlinson, Prince Harry and William Melville-Smith attend day one of the Audi Polo Challenge at Coworth Park on May 28, 2016 in London, England] [Princes William] and [Harry] were at the Audi Polo Challenge this weekend. [Tom Hardy] is an Audi ambassador so he made an appearance too. And they all posed together and, well, Tom did his standing thing. By standing I mean with his legs wide. Tom Hardy is the Manspreader among men. Because if he can’t be tall enough he may as well be man enough? That’s my interpretation. And it’s funny. Animal kingdom dude behaviour is funny. Tom was there with wife [Charlotte Riley]. You know who else was there? His good friend [Noomi Rapace]. You’ll recall, three years ago, when Tom and Charlotte supposedly called off their wedding, it was reported that Tom was being “comforted” by Noomi – [in the Telegraph]! Supposedly they were seen “cuddling”. Tom and Charlotte were photographed together at this polo thing. And Tom and Noomi were photographed together at this polo thing. And then Tom, Charlotte, and Noomi were photographed all together at this polo thing! Move along then. Nothing to see here. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 3:46 PM [Keira Knightley’s Douchebag Director] [Keira Knightley ] My relaxing weekend became rage-filled Saturday, when I read “[Keira Knightley’s performance in ‘Begin Again’ criticised by director John Carney]”. I know. “Director who?” I’ll tell you, but read the article anyway. I want you to understand exactly what kind of insecure pustule we’re dealing with here. After Once, John Carney wrote and directed Begin Again, which starred [Keira Knightley], [Mark Ruffalo], and [Adam Levine]. Carney isn’t a recognizable name himself, but don’t worry, he’s not above drumming up attention by unprovokedly talking sh-t about a famous actress. Repeatedly. In an interview about his new movie Sing Street, the interviewer opens with ‘isn’t it great the movie’s gotten great reviews’. Carney responds: “I’m very surprised, it’s a small personal movie with no Keira Knightleys in it”. Yeah. That’s how it is. He turns her into a thing in his first sentence, conditioning you to think of her as an object as he so clearly does. Later, when asked what he learned on Begin Again, he says: “I learned that I’ll never make a film with supermodels again”. Have you ever in your pop-culture-obsessed life heard Oscar-, BAFTA-, and Golden Globe- nominated Keira Knightley referred to as a supermodel? No? Doesn’t matter to Carney, who’s determined to use derisive words like ‘supermodel’ and ‘entourage’ so you’ll join him in sneering at her. He says “It’s not like I hate the Hollywood thing, but I like to work with curious, proper film actors as opposed to movie stars.” On its own, this could be true enough. Indie film is different than a big studio franchise, and I could possibly be convinced to give this thought of John Carney’s a dubious pass, on its own. But I can’t, because you know what else he said? “Mark Ruffalo is a fantastic actor and Adam Levine is a joy to work with and actually quite unpretentious and not a bit scared…Keira’s thing is to hide who you are and I don’t think you can be an actor and do that.” Sorry? Adam “The Voice on NBC” Levine, who has covered every magazine on the newsstand, is the picture of authenticity, but Keira Knightley isn’t an actor because she hides who she is? Actually, that’s the exact definition of acting, you professional horror show. Not that I’m trying to compare them. Levine could be Sir Laurence Olivier or an airbrushed 3-D printed animatronic human facsimile, and it wouldn’t matter either way. Because what Carney is trying to do, in the kind of incredibly transparent and patronising insult you haven’t seen since third-year-university when your upstairs housemate’s insufferable ‘older’ boyfriend first introduced you to the phrase “um, actually”, is put himself and Ruffalo and Levine on one side, the cool kids, and Knightley on the other. He is begging you to think that because he “rejects” Hollywood (‘successful actress’ = Hollywood, apparently), he must be cool, so obviously you’ll want to see his movie and snicker about ‘supermodels’ because you’re also cool. He’s especially cool for talking sh-t about someone he worked with four years ago, who has nothing to do with his current project, but whom he names six times in one interview. He’s definitely not insecure at all, and definitely isn’t projecting his insecurities about being the one who doesn’t get it onto the nearest scapegoat who will also conveniently get him column inches. I also strongly suspect that this has little to do with Knightley herself - that Carney felt pushed around by the studio or the Weinstein Company or one of his financial backers, but couldn’t tell them how pissed off he was – so he used her an easy target for his frustration. Look, Keira Knightley will be fine. I doubt this is her first inkling that this guy is a douche and I now like her more for not screaming that fact from the rooftops years ago. But this makes me crazy because this happens all the time. A man is threatened, generally, by others’ success or people passing him by or the spectre of the person he thinks he should be, and decides the problem is some woman’s success or power. So he starts talking about how she’s really not all that great, actually. You’ve seen it happen. You’ve been in meetings where it’s happened. Worse, because we’re all often in places where we need allies, you’ve felt pressured to agree—or at least consider—that maybe so-and-so is a crazy bitch. Maybe she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Maybe her assistant is saving her ass on a daily basis, or she did only get that deal because someone promised their boss they’d bring in diversity, and on and on and on. It also doesn’t just denigrate the person in question, but everyone who’s ever hired or cast or liked that person before. So, everyone who’s ever hired Keira Knightley over her 21-year-career knows nothing, but John Carney alone is brave enough to tell the truth? Where’s his medal? Where are his multiple Academy Awards that he patently doesn’t care about? What a hero! Like I said, she’ll be fine, and he’s nakedly pathetic. No problems there. But watch for this the next time it happens. Be aware of the woman who’s being made into a stepstool for someone’s ego and self-esteem just because she happens to be in the eyeline of someone so desperately fragile. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 3:07 PM [Everyone else speaks for Johnny Depp] [Johnny Depp of Hollywood Vampires performs onstage at Hessentags-Arena during the 56th Hessentag on May 29, 2016 in Herborn, Germany] This wasn’t supposed to happen to the Top Tier. This kind of sh-t is usually reserved for the low level, the B list and under. But, as I mentioned in [today’s open], a new world order has taken hold in Hollywood. Which is why it seems like every other week, another major star is burning out. Twenty years ago a nanny called Chrissy O would have been forced into hiding with an assumed identity for getting involved with Ben Affleck. Last year she was making pap walks at the gym and at the grocery store with a fresh blowout. Twenty years ago, Vanity Fair would have never broken ranks with Team Tom Cruise and published the story of Ninja Katie’s escape from Scientology, thereby forever ending their relationship with what was once the biggest movie star in the world. Twenty years ago? Johnny Depp would have dictated his terms to Amber Heard and she would have had to accept them. And now? Now [Johnny Depp]’s ex [Vanessa Paradis] is writing letters to [TMZ] vouching for his character. And one of his friends, comedian Doug Stanhope is writing op-eds for The Wrap, standing up for Johnny’s integrity and accusing [Amber Heard] of blackmailing him. According to Doug, none of Johnny’s friends trusted Amber from the beginning. But they were all too weak to tell him to his face that she was a manipulative bitch who would eventually ruin him. [Click here] to read his piece. Because Johnny was the big cheese, and you don’t doubt the big cheese, and so Doug is now taking accountability for what’s happening, for not being a good friend, a good soldier, and protecting the leader. Well… um… exactly. You’ve just written a 1000 word essay about how he’s the leader. Why would we believe, then, that this isn’t more of the same sacrifice to protect your leader? Everyone here has a motive. Vanessa Paradis’ motive is her children. And just because it never happened to her doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen to anyone else. Same goes for his ex-wife. What we have here is an old school Hollywood attempt at a rescue. Other people are speaking for Johnny. Johnny’s sending out his publicist, his exes, and his boys to stand up at his internet trial. But the internet doesn’t work like a conventional court room. The whole f-cking point of the internet is that you’re supposed to be able to speak for yourself. Which is why this isn’t working. Because Johnny Depp doesn’t know how. After all, this is the man who wears masks for a living. Who prefers to act under a mask instead of with his own face. His career choices that made him a movie star are destroying his movie stardom. Is that ironic? Attached - Depp performing with the Hollywood Vampires yesterday in Germany. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 2:30 PM [The Amber Papers] [Amber Heard] As you know, [Amber Heard] went to court on Friday seeking a restraining order against [Johnny Depp] as part of her divorce petition. The restraining order was granted, although she was denied her request for $50,000 a month in spousal support because both sides have yet to come to an agreement over finances, which is as clear a message as any that in our world MONEY > SAFETY. Like, you believe she could be harmed insofar as issuing a legal decree for her protection but getting her access to some cash is where you draw the line? Anyway, as expected, people started poring over the court documents from Amber’s filing immediately. If you don’t want to read through every single page, [click here] for a pretty thorough breakdown of the major points. In short, Amber is alleging that Johnny was violent with her the entire time they were together. That in addition to what went down last Saturday at their apartment – which is when he threw the cell phone at her face – he also attacked her after her birthday party last month. There was also an incident last December in which she feared for her life. And he has a serious problem with drugs and alcohol, contributing to his paranoia, delusions, and anger issues. Amber is also backing her claims up with witness statements from friends who confirm her account of what happened last week and that she’d been the victim of ongoing abuse. She also pre-emptively points out that Johnny is protected by an entourage of enablers, including security personnel, who are paid to make sure he can be a dickhead but not have to pay for it, at one point describing how she tried to appeal to his bodyguard “Judge Jerry” for help when Johnny was hitting her but all “Jerry” could do was manage a weak “Boss, please” to his employer without interfering. And we find out in the Amber Papers why she filed for divorce so soon after Johnny’s ma passed away and that she tried, initially, to keep this a private matter, producing emails from her lawyer to his entertainment lawyer, Jason Bloom, insisting that they resolve the issue undercover so to avoid public awareness. It was only after Johnny’s rep, Robin Baum, issued a statement about the “brevity” of their marriage, and repeated how “short” it was that Amber decided she’d blow sh-t up in his face. Amber stepped out on Saturday after a meeting with her legal team – [click here] to see the photos. That’s the expression of someone who’s outplayed her abusive husband. And it’s the expression of a woman who’s challenging what we expect a woman to look like when she’s been abused by her abusive husband. Last week I wrote about [the Perfect Victim] and how the Perfect Victim is rarely ever afforded the privilege of power. Amber Heard is not perfect. No victim ever is. But right now, she has the power. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 1:53 PM [Game of Thrones 6.6: “What we do to our enemies”] [Game of Thrones Season 6, Episode 6 ] Game of Thrones Season 6, Episode 6 recap You can really feel the downhill run coming as the story advances by leaps this week. Let’s start with the part no one cares about, the Lannisters and Tyrells and High Sparrow. The Tyrell army shows up to liberate Margaery and Loras, but Margaery basically saved herself by getting Tommen to convert and align with the High Sparrow. I don’t care about any of this compared to what’s going on in the other storylines (Lainey: I do! Because doesn’t this mirror the real-life political leaning towards a Union of Church and State, even though its separation was considered a fundamental pillar of modern democracy?) but I guess the point is that King’s Landing is falling further into factions and in-fighting, which makes it ripe for invasion. And with Jaime exiled from the city, it does feel like Cersei is exposed, Mountain or no. The Lannisters are stretched thin these days. As are the Freys—GOOD. (F*ck the Freys forever on a bed of nails.) In the Riverlands the houses are rising up against the Freys and Jaime is taking a Lannister army to back them up and reclaim Riverrun. The teaser for next week’s episode shows the return of the Blackfish (Catelyn’s Tully uncle who escaped the Red Wedding on accident) and sets up a battle between Tully and Lannister forces. We’ve all been anticipating the Jon Snow v. Ramsey Bolton showdown in the North, but what if the big battle at the end of the season isn’t the Battle of the Bastards, but The Revenge for the Red Wedding? Or maybe it will be both. A LOT is happening this season. We continue to see women assuming power, too. First Margaery, outwitting pretty much everyone to secure her own freedom on her terms, and then Arya, who declines to kill Phryne Fisher and reclaims Needle. She’s going to have to fight her way out of Braavos, though, as the waif will be looking for her. But it finally feels like Arya’s path is pointing homeward, where she will be Arya Stark again. One wonders if her way home is with Theon and Yara, who are teased in next week’s episode and seem to be heading away from Westeros with their ships. We’re also finally getting answers to long-held questions, like “How big of a bag of dicks is Sam’s dad, exactly?” Answer, a REALLY F*CKING BIG BAG OF DICKS. Sam’s dad is The Worst, and I hope ice zombies eat him, or he dies in dragon fire, I can’t decide which is worse. That whole humiliating dinner scene was physically painful to watch, but it was so fun watching Gilly stand up for Sam. It was also fun watching Sam steal the family longsword. That move is basically Sam saying, “Dad, I know that sword is one of only two types of weapons we believe can kill White Walkers, and I also know White Walkers are an imminent threat to Westeros. So I’m going to f*ck off with this sword and leave you, essentially, undefended. Byeeeee!” But we also find out what happened to Benjen Stark all those seasons ago. It turns out he is “Coldhands”, the mysterious figure helping people north of the wall. He did die on that ill-fated ranging party but the elves were able to prevent him from turning into an ice zombie. So poor Benjen, stuck up there forever, since he can’t pass through the Wall. But also good for Meera and Bran because they really need the help. And Bran is the Three-Eyed Raven now, so we’re all doomed, because Stark men always find a way to f-ck sh-t up. And then came my favorite part of the episode—Drogon came back! And he’s so big! It seems every time we see Drogon he’s gotten bigger. I can’t WAIT to see how big the other two dragons are, whenever they decide to bust out of that pyramid. Daenerys has gone full-dragon rider, riding Drogon and rallying her horde to sail to Westeros, like Khal Drogo promised her. She says some frankly worrying things about retaking Westeros that sort of gives credence to the “[Daenerys is secretly the bad guy]” theory, though. There’s no Daenerys in next week’s teaser, so we may have to wait to learn more about her conquering plans, but you guys. What if Daenerys IS the bad guy? [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 1:27 PM [May 30, 2016 – Smutty Shout-Outs] [Keanu Reeves for Katerina ] For Katerina who is a bit sick from Sabina and Oli who want you to get some rest. You are loved! By request, Keanu Reeves is attached. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 1:15 PM [Privacy Policy] - [Unsubscribe]