Newsletter Monday, April 25, 2016

[LaineyGossip.com - Calling all smuthounds!] Monday, April 25, 2016 [Intro for April 25, 2016] [President Barack Obama, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge and First Lady Michelle Obama talks with Prince George at Kensington Palace on April 22, 2016 in London, England] Dear Gossips, Middle fingers up Put them hands high Wave it in his face Tell him… Boy bye Like, what else is there to talk about today? Because, really, there is only Beyoncé. And we will definitely be talking a lot about Beyoncé. In at least two posts. But first let’s do some catch-up from Friday when Big G decided to greet the President of the United States in his monogrammed bathrobe. What have I been telling you about this kid? He thinks he’s a boss. No. He KNOWS he’s a boss. He behaves like a boss. Crashing his parents’ dinner party with the Obamas, after everyone’s eaten, so as to make a grand late entrance, without even bothering to put on some formal clothes. Because why? This is when he gets to remind POTUS that while he had to work for his position, campaign, and make promises and actually take on a job, all Big G had to do was exist: you were elected, I was BORN. Check him out on the rocking horse that the Obamas gifted to him. Does it look like his ma has to coax him into playing on it? Like he has to be convinced to waste his goddamn time properly appreciating the present given to him by the President of the United States? And then when he finally does start rocking back and forth on it, she has to be his biggest cheerleader, clapping her hands and singing songs like he’s just discovered a new planet: Now imagine a whole lifetime of this. Everything he will ever do will require applause. There is, however, another who understands what it means to live like this: Blue Ivy Carter. Yours in gossip, Lainey [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 11:30 AM [Jesse Eisenberg: Woody Allen’s perfect muse] [Jesse Eisenberg at the 2016 CinemaCon Big Screen Achievement Award, April 15, 2016] As we’ve seen through the decades, [Woody Allen] has his muses. But now? Forget Diane Keaton, Scarlett Johansson, Emma Stone, forget the actresses, because he’s finally found The One, the one he’s been looking for all this time: [Jesse Eisenberg]. Jesse stars in Woody’s latest film, Café Society, which will open the Cannes Film Festival in a couple of weeks. It’s set in 1930s Hollywood, Jesse is a fish out of water, glamourised by the glamourisation of Tinseltown but cynical enough to be able to resist some of its charms and temptations. Just like Woody. Smart like Woody. Sardonic and clever like Woody. Of course, OF COURSE, neurotic like Woody (that line about being “so lonely I would have been happy just to talk but now I’m even too tired for that” is textbook). And surrounded by women, like Woody. All manner of woman! The “ordinary” office girl, played by [Kristen Stewart], and the alluring starlet, played by [Blake Lively]. It’s at once autobiographical and wish fulfillment. And, to me at least, so obviously – and boringly – nostalgic and narcissistic. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe you are charmed. Attached - Jesse at the CinemaCon Big Screen Achievement Awards in Vegas a couple of weeks ago. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 7:45 PM [Chris Hemsworth is not a Movie Star] [Chris Hemsworth] The Huntsman: Winter’s War opened over the weekend to a resounding, “No thanks,” from audiences with an estimated $20 million opening. For comparison, Snow White and the Huntsman opened in 2012 with $56 million. Given its reported budget of $115 million (haha, yeah RIGHT) and an aggressive ad campaign, Universal is looking at a loss on this one. The successes of 2015 will make it bearable, but let this be a reminder to people that making sequels no one asked for is a bad idea. The lesson of The Huntsman is not that a lady-centric fantasy movie can’t work—THIS IS NOT THE LESSON—it’s that no one wanted this movie in the first place. And Hemsworth didn’t help. He has not been able to parlay his Avengers success into non-Marvel movie stardom despite years of trying. [Chris Evans] gets a break because outside of Captain America, he’s not trying to be a Movie Star—his non-Marvel roles have been, with the exception of Snowpiercer, not action-oriented and exclusively indie. Ditto for [Mark Ruffalo] and [Jeremy Renner], both of whom work a lot yet neither of whom are pursuing leading-man status (Renner gave it up after his own Movie Star miss in 2012, and has since returned to his character actor roots). Only Scarlett Johansson has been able to turn Marvel exposure into Movie Star status. But Chris Hemsworth, even with the Minivan behind him, can’t get it done. This is how hard it is to mint new Movie Stars. ScarJo has done it, and Jennifer Lawrence has done it, but no one else has. Not even Chris Pratt has opened a movie on his own name yet, and he wisely has chosen not to try. The Magnificent Seven will sell with his name + Denzel Washington, and Passengers will be Pratt + JLaw. And Ryan Gosling, who also struggles to open movies on his own, is poised to have the sleeper success of the summer with The Nice Guys, a buddy flick co-starring International Movie Star Russell Crowe. [Chris Hemsworth] needs a buddy flick. And maybe it says something that Marvel stuck Mark Ruffalo—not a Movie Star, but very popular as Bruce Banner—into Thor: Ragnarok, and hired a director, Taikia Waititi, who is known for buddy dynamics in projects like Flight of the Conchords and What We Do in the Shadows. Thor: Ragnarok is basically a buddy flick—described to me as The Thor and Hulk Odd Couple Show In Space—and they’ve gone one step farther and bolstered it with Movie Star Cate Blanchett on the ticket. Since Hemsworth can’t open movies on his own, even in the forgiving realm of Marvel movies, Thor is the weakest link, the Marvel brass has done everything possible to shore up the odds in Hemsworth’s favor. Even still, we’re two weeks out from Captain America: Civil War opening huge. The Avengers don’t need Thor to get it done. [Source] [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 7:18 PM [Smutty Tingles] I don’t see a more elegant way to do it ([Dlisted]) Taylor Swift and Gigi Hadid’s private jet birthday ([Just Jared]) The young royals wearing headbands ([Cele|bitchy]) Chrissy Teigen steps out after baby ([TooFab]) Amy Schumer’s nickname for Jennifer Lawrence ([Pop Sugar]) Someone tried to jack Beyoncé’s spotlight. As IF. ([The Superficial]) How did this get to 17?!? ([Hollywood Tuna]) I haaaaate these shoes ([Go Fug Yourself]) A new royal baby name ([Gossip Girl]) [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 5:27 PM [Ice Cube’s N.W.A Coachella Reunion] [Members of N.W.A. DJ Yella, Ice Cube, Dr. Dre and MC Ren perform onstage during day 2 of the 2016 Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival Weekend 2 at the Empire Polo Club on April 23, 2016 in Indio, California] Lemonade wasn’t the only musical event of the weekend. For the first time in almost 30 years, the four surviving members of N.W.A reunited to [perform together at Coachella]. [Ice Cube], [MC Ren], DJ Yella and yes, [Dr. Dre] took the stage during Cube’s set on Saturday night. This is a big f-cking deal. The group hasn’t performed together since Ice Cube left N.W.A in 1989. When they were inducted into the [Rock and Roll Hall of Fame] and chose not to perform, it seemed like a reunion performance was a pipe dream. During Coachella’s first weekend, Cube performed with Ren and Yella with no sign of Dre. Well, with eight words, Cube made all of our 90s rap dreams come true: "Is there a doctor in the motherf-cking house?" Then Dre showed up and destroyed his classics California Love and Still D.R.E. I would have killed to see this live. I love surprises almost as much as I love hip hop. If you ever surprise me, my reaction will not disappoint. A few years ago at Drake’s annual OVO fest, he unexpectedly brought out Kanye and TLC and I was so excited I elbowed a stranger in the face and broke a pair of shoes and sunglasses. My voice still hasn’t fully recovered. So if I was at Coachella for this, some flower crowns would have gotten really f-cked up. I digress. People are hating on Dre for not doing any N.W.A songs. This is why we can’t have nice things. Can’t we just celebrate these legends for getting up on stage together 27 years after the biggest band breakup in hip-hop and still being in fine form? Can’t we just be excited that they paid tribute to Eazy-E by bringing his son Lil Eazy-E out to perform Boyz-N–The-Hood? and [Kendrick] showed up too? Let’s not be so cynical, enjoy the nostalgia and get ready for the next reunion when Dre spits some bars of Express Yourself to an audience not full of Coachella assholes wearing flowers in their hair and appropriating headdresses. Here’s Ice Cube performing with Kendrick. And I’ll leave you with the OG California Love because Monday. You’re welcome. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 5:17 PM [Chris, Alex, and Alexa] [Chris Martin chats with Alexa Chung and Alexander Skarsgard outside of Kate Hudson and Jennifer Meyer's birthday party in LA, April 23, 2016] [Alexa Chung] and [Alexander Skarsgard] are still together and, together, they were at Kate Hudson and Jennifer Meyer’s joint birthday party. At some point they ran into Chris Martin. As you know from the previous post, [Chris Martin]’s ex-wife [Gwyneth Paltrow] and her boyfriend Brad Falchuk attended too. Past and present love connections all-around, ahem. But this is just so Hollywood, isn’t it? Where can you go if you haven’t f-cked everyone at the party? Chris, as you know, was last reported to be dating Annabelle Wallis. She was with him a few weeks ago when Coldplay kicked off its tour in Buenos Aires. No mention of her at Kate’s, although she and Chris were papped at the beach – [click here] to see. So G can bring her new but he can’t bring his new… and is there a line in the sand in this circle because this crew was originally G’s? [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 4:19 PM [Gwyneth’s lap dance] [Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk out in LA for Kate Hudson and Jennifer Meyer's birthday party, April 23, 2016] Kate Hudson’s joint “hot mess”-themed birthday party with Jennifer Meyer was this weekend. She broadcast most of it on social media so you don’t feel like you missed out. Anyway, most of her famous friends were there including [Chris Martin] and [Gwyneth Paltrow] and she came with her boyfriend, [Brad Falchuk] who, according to [US Weekly], showed up dressed like a construction worker and gave her lap dances, Magic Mike styles, I guess? It’s next-level Conscious Uncoupling. That not only is their divorce so amicable they forgot to sign the papers and live across the street from each other but Chris can be present while another man rubs his ass on his ex-wife’s crotch. There’s another angle on Chris too that I’m getting to in the next post. He was surrounded by former dealings. As for Gwyneth? Well right now she’s in a great groove. All her relationships are thriving. Her book is thriving. She’s got other showrunners promoting it too. And she’s getting good light [@jennikonner marry me #Repost @jennikonner with @repostapp. ・・・ Hello, lover.] A photo posted by Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow) on Apr 23, 2016 at 4:45pm PDT [Morning 💕] A photo posted by Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow) on Apr 23, 2016 at 11:53am PDT [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 3:37 PM [Diane & Joshua in the sun] [Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger out together in West Hollywood, April 22, 2016] [Diane Kruger] and [Norman Reedus] promoted their film Sky in New York recently. [Click here] to see those awkward pictures. They also [interviewed each other] for Buzzfeed a few days ago. Several of you emailed me after reading that article to say that you could feel the tension between them embedded in their words. And then they go on to talk about how they’re represented in the tabloids and she’s all like, they always get it wrong and he’s like, yeah, no, sometimes they’re right about me. Uh huh. But here’s Diane in LA with [Joshua Jackson] this weekend. They were papped while on a walk. And also leaving a friend’s house and I guess it was so hot that Joshua saw her out without his shirt on. You know what I’m Photo Assuming from these pictures though? They remind me of a set of pap shots of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt about a year or so before they broke up. They were leaving a party. And walking separately. And he was calling to her like, “wait, let me just talk to you”. And it looked like a fight. See below. I don’t know why I brought that out from the archive. And Photo Assumption is mostly bullsh-t, we know. But do these two moments feel similar to you too? [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 3:01 PM [Charlie in New York] [Charlie Hunnam out for a walk with his partner Morgana McNelis in Soho, New York on April 23, 2016] This weekend was already amazing, what with Beyoncé’s Lemonade and Game Of Thrones and now new pictures of Charlie Hunnam. He was in New York the other day with his partner Morgana McNelis. She is tall. I always forget that she’s so tall. Like 5 ft 9 at least, I think? Anyway, it’s been 6 weeks since I last posted about Charlie (that’s why it’s such a treat to be kicking off the week with him) and the last time we talked about him he was defending Morgana from the JaxHards who were dragging her for, I dunno, being his girlfriend. [Click here] for a refresher. That kinda sh-t doesn’t work with those kinds of people though. I mean, I haven’t checked, but I’m also pretty sure they haven’t stopped. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 1:58 PM [Lemonade: Beyoncé’s Black Feminist Declaration] [Beyoncé in Lemonade ] It is important that the word ‘black’ is in this headline. A few outlets have omitted that word from the bolded titles of their respective Lemonade reviews. They’ve focused on the visual album’s Southern Gothic influences, the fashion, and Becky. Yes, all of those things are worthy of note but above all else, Lemonade is a love letter to black women. Visually, it’s a painting depicting a singular experience. Lyrically, it’s an unparalleled ode to black female complexity, pain and empowerment. I really don’t think my brain can come up with words to articulate how affected I am by Lemonade or how incredible I think it is but I am going to try. At the crux of Lemonade is Beyoncé’s thesis statement: if you’re black and also a woman, life will hand you lemons: a harsh proclamation that reveals an even harsher reality. This statement is cemented by the harrowingly still-relevant sample of a Malcolm X speech from 1962 called Who Taught You to Hate Yourselves that leads into Don’t Hurt Yourself: “The most disrespected person in America is the black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America is the black woman.” Beyoncé assembled some of America’s finest black women as if to say: we will no longer be disrespected and ignored. Twitter spoiled the [Serena Williams] surprise for me but it was no less epic. Serena is the greatest living female athlete. She’s one of the greatest athletes of all time, period. Lainey has [written] [multiple] [times] about how Serena’s achievements have been tainted by racist critiques and her body has been shamed by even more racist commentary. Serena is a soldier for black girl body positivity and a beacon of black excellence. Serena had to be there. So did the faces of the current #BlackGirlMagic movement Amandla Stenberg, Zendaya, Quevzanhne Wallis and Winnie Harlow. With these cameos, it’s like Beyoncé is ushering in the new generation of feminists with wise warnings and a warm welcome. She’s declaring black is beautiful and black is worthy but make sure you know your worth. The scene during Freedom where all of the magical black girls are at a dinner party dressed in white cotton with a striking Southern backdrop was one of the many times Lemonade brought tears to my eyes. Think about how important it is for young girls to see this imagery and feel this message? What did we do to deserve Beyoncé? Lemonade tackles black girl insecurities like battling with wanting to be “softer” and “prettier.” She shouts out a mythical “Becky with the good hair.” To me, this reference was symbolic and not a specific call to one Becky in particular but to all the basic Beckys with “good hair” who have made us feel inferior. The Rachel Roy sh-t is hilarious and sure, it’s good for gossip but I think we’re missing the point if “Becky” is where the focus lands. Don’t get it twisted though, the gossip is still important. The cheating references are explicit. What isn’t clear is whether Bey is airing out Jay-Z’s penchant for side chicks or if songs like Hold Up and Sorry (boy, bye!) were written about Beyoncé’s parents. If she is channelling her mother, she’s making it very clear that Miss Tina ain’t someone to f-ck with. Aside from the scorned woman narrative, Beyoncé is undoubtedly working through her complicated relationship with her father Matthew. On Daddy Lessons, Beyoncé wrestles with who she is because of and in spite of her father’s influence. Here’s where I got emotional again. Lemonade was a worldwide event but it felt very personal. It felt personal not just because the album is Beyoncé's most emotionally revealing to date but the conversations surrounding black men and infidelity hit home for me. Over the past two years I have watched my parents' marriage deteriorate. I've learned things about my father I wish I never knew and thought could never be true. In a [roundtable about Lemonade for NYMag] called “Beyoncé’s Lemonade and the Undeniable Power of a Black Woman’s Vulnerability,” editor Dee Lockett wrote something I still can’t shake: “[black] love is always political, it has no choice. When it fails, it’s a failure for all black lovers.” The broken home is a black stereotype. It’s one I never thought my family would perpetuate. There’s a multitude of emotions that come with losing your solitary black male role model in a world where only black women are holding black men up to the highest standard. It’s dark sh-t. When Bey took us through the stages of these emotions, intuition, denial, anger, apathy, accountability, reformation and forgiveness, I felt like I was in therapy. But this is the beauty of Lemonade. Beyoncé is affirming that we aren’t alone. She is giving power to a sisterhood of women who have held up communities even when dealing with heartbreak and loss. This brings me to Lemonade’s most breathtaking moment. During Forward, we’re met with the faces of the mothers of the late Eric Garner, Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin. These three women represent a movement which declared that Black Lives Matter while they tearfully hold up images of their dead black sons. The 24-hour news cycle may have forgotten their names but Beyoncé made us remember. Beyoncé’s feminist and cultural significance is nothing new but she just exceeded her potential. She has always been our Queen Bey but after Formation and now Lemonade, her crown has been fitted, shined and placed permanently atop her flawed yet flawless head. The woman of few words shouted defiantly that she speaks for us and will speak up for us through her art. She’s Nina. She’s Toni. She’s Maya. Like Simone, Morrison and Angelou, Beyoncé has emerged as a warrior for black women. Proudly, I’ll get in Formation. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 1:31 PM [Lemonade: Beyoncé’s Black Feminist Domination] [Beyoncé’s Lemonade] Please note: Kathleen’s piece on [Beyoncé] will follow mine. Because there’s just so much to unpack. You could write a think-piece on every single frame of Lemonade and it almost still wouldn’t be enough. Lemonade, of course, as you know now, is Beyoncé’s visual album, which premiered on HBO on Saturday night and made immediately available on Tidal afterwards. No glitches. When it’s a Beyoncé release, there are never any glitches. After spending Saturday night and Sunday exclusively on Tidal (which she co-owns, by the way), Lemonade is now available on iTunes. Beyoncé’s Formation world tour will kick off on Wednesday in Miami. Now that we’ve seen the visual album, can you f-cking imagine what this show is going to look like? But how did it all come together? All of those celebrity appearances, all of that footage, and all of it kept so closely guarded, no one willing to disappoint or, worse yet, offend Beyoncé. Because you know this didn’t happen in a matter of weeks. From last September Beyoncé was already giving us hints about lemons. From the time Solange went postal on [Jay Z] in the elevator, two MET Galas ago, she was already putting this together, her creative inspiration complemented by her strategy, so that we have arrived here, at a masterpiece. Lemonade is a full-bodied artistic masterpiece – the music, the aesthetic, the emotion, and, yes, the gossip too. Oh the gossip especially. I mean, you don’t actually think she wouldn’t have expected you to pick up on the gossip, would you? Beyoncé is 100% aware of the assumptions you are making about the lyrics and the message. She is 100% COUNTING on you to make those assumptions. She wants you to believe that this is a story about a woman betrayed by her husband. That SHE is the woman betrayed by her husband. And she knows too that you might wonder where she ends and her mother begins. But, at the same time, she will never, ever confirm your assumption and your question. Beyoncé has stopped giving interviews. Beyoncé has decided that all she has to say is contained in her art –it’s the only vessel from which to understand her. So there will be no Oprah sit-down explanation to walk us through what it all means and how it all came to be. There will be no profile in Vanity Fair to break it down for us when Jay cheated and what her father did to her mother. Because she’s already given us the course materials. Beyoncé has cast herself as a modern Shakespeare. Just as he’s not around to lecture us through every line of his sonnets, she’s not here to give you all the answers. It’s our job to analyse and study for ourselves. After all, didn’t she study? Didn’t she meticulously study Warsan Shire’s poetry and weave it into and through her work, delivering a seamless message about love and infidelity, self-love and forgiveness, and empowerment amid misogyny? What’s the point of that kind of thorough effort and consideration and imagination if she’s just going to have to hold your hand and interpret it for you at the same time? I love that Beyoncé has resisted the urge to explain it to us. I love that she’s gone back to a time when the art was supposed to stand on its own. And I love that she continues to live up to what was expected of her from the very beginning – a girl child given a brand new name, Beyoncé from her mother’s maiden name Beyince, and thereby destined to be singular. There is only Beyoncé. There is one Beyoncé. Beyoncé is not Becky. Oh Becky. Who is Becky? There has been a lot of talk about Becky and why she’s Becky. Thing is, and this one’s for Duana, I feel like Beyoncé’s use of the name “Becky” was just a play on names, a play to glorify her own name. What is the opposite of an individual and unique name like Beyoncé? It’s the basic Becky. (Sorry all you Beckys. If it helps, my name, Elaine, is lame – and I dedicated an entire magazine column to how lame it is, [click here] to read it.) Many are assuming that Becky is Rachel Roy because she and Solange supposedly had a fight that night at the MET Gala and, well, because Rachel herself decided to be part of the conversation on Saturday night, right after Lemonade aired, when Beyoncé took over Twitter and all of social media, really, Rachel Roy got on Instagram to talk about her “good hair”: And in the same breath professed to not be a “drama queen”. Ohhhhh kayyyy, Rachel. Needless to say, the BeyHive came for Rachel immediately. She then made her Instagram private and posted a message on Twitter about how she believes in marriage and doesn’t appreciate being bullied. I respect love, marriages, families and strength. What shouldn't be tolerated by anyone, no matter what, is bullying, of any kind. — Rachel Roy (@Rachel_Roy) [April 24, 2016] She should definitely not be bullied. But she also should definitely not be part of this discussion. This discussion is about Beyoncé and Jay and the “wicked way” he “(treated) the girl that loves” him. And the amazing way she publicly flogged him for it. The first half of Lemonade is basically Bey calling Jay out for being a cheating fool. And then! And then! He shows up! He has to participate on a song (Sandcastles) where she tells us that she wanted to leave. She tells us that she promised him she couldn’t stay. To his face! Before and after he caresses and kisses her feet. In atonement. Because not only did Beyoncé make him endure her open confirmation of his infidelity, she also required that his contrition be made visible. In doing so, when you consider Lemonade as a whole, and Beyoncé as the representative of a woman’s pain, given her official description of the album as “every woman’s journey of self-knowledge and healing”, Jay’s atonement not only represents his own “sorry” but a “sorry” offered, hopefully, on behalf all men who have wronged women. And, furthermore, his willingness to atone, first in private and then in the most broadcast way possible, is the true evolution of Man, a statement of real and profound change, and most critically a reversal of the fate that neither she nor her mother could escape…for the sake of one Blue Ivy Carter. And all our daughters. RIGHT!?! It’s the only way to address the bleak reality of what Beyoncé has illustrated as the sisterhood’s collective experience. How can you end the cycle? The gift to a new generation can’t just be recognition of what’s happened but the presentation of an alternative, starting with a father confronting his past as sacrifice in exchange for a better experience for his own child. In one hour, Beyoncé handed Jay both his sentence and his pardon. But not before making herself completely vulnerable. This is Beyoncé. Beyoncé the great. Beyoncé the perfect. Beyoncé the “baddest woman in the game”. But not so great and not so perfect and not so bad to not be cheated on. It’s the revelation that would hurt the most, non? To admit that her power couldn’t protect her from the most common of betrayals? She would have had to swallow some pride in that too. And this is where we’re meeting Beyoncé today. That could not have been easy. It’s one thing to throw up two middle fingers and swing a bat around. It’s another to address what’s underneath all that anger. To show us that the girl who runs the world, the Queen Slayer, was made to feel like she wasn’t enough in her own home; THIS GIRL in particular, this machine, this efficient supernatural paragon of perfection telling all the ordinary girls that she can actually relate to them? Who is this person? [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 1:09 PM [Game of Thrones 6.1: “I saw him in the flames”] [Natalie Dormer attends the 2016 Virgin London Marathon in London, England on April 24, 2016] Game of Thrones Season 6, Episode 1 recap SPOILERS We’re back! And we’re having a coming out party for the women of Westeros. When we began this series the story was dominated by men and women were too often pawns, manipulating or sexing their way to power with little real agency of their own. Now, however, with many of the men we started with dead, the ladies are taking over. In Dorne, there is an actual uprising of women, as Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes assassinate Doran Martell and his son Trystane. So who is ruling Dorne now? Ellaria? Acceptable. Also, that Dornish ship that bore Myrcella Baratheon home needs to get the f*ck out of King’s Landing like yesterday. The battle between Cersei and Margaery Tyrell is ongoing, and with no Tywin or Tyrion, Cersei is suddenly the politicking Lannister in King’s Landing. This means Cersei’s chief adversaries for the season are Ellaria and Margaery, none of whom have a male figure telling them what to do. Roose Bolton is gearing up for Lannister retaliation in the North, but he might find that Cersei doesn’t rate him as highly as Tywin did, as a foe. One wonders how chauvinistic Roose will handle it when he realizes no Lannister is coming because Cersei would rather eviscerate Ellaria Sand. But Roose does have a problem and her name is Sansa Stark—f*ck off with this “Lady Bolton” crap. That is the Queen in the North, and she’s a bloody Stark. Sansa and Theon are on the run—she did not apparently land on him when jumping from Winterfell’s walls—and Brienne of Tarth FINALLY connects with Sansa in a meaningful way when she and Podd rescue her from Bolton men. It might irk some to watch Sansa cower while even f*cking Theon gets a heroic moment in the fight, but you have to remember that Sansa isn’t a fighter. She isn’t Arya, training on the streets to be a blind assassin. Sansa has spent the whole series being groomed to be a Cersei/Catelyn style plotter. I don’t expect swordplay from her. What I do expect is for her to unite the North and oust the Boltons from Winterfell. We do get to see some of the lessons Daenerys has learned in action, though. The last time she was with the Dothraki, she was property exchanging hands, forced to submit to a husband that basically purchased her. This time, though her fear and uncertainty are plain, she refuses to cower and she dictates terms to Khal Moro, who at least respects her position as a Khaleesi enough to ensure Daenerys’s physical safety. Unfortunately, this means he’s taking her to the Khaleesi nunnery to while away her days and die, as is Dothraki tradition (one step up from being burnt in your husband’s funeral pyre, I guess). She could just whistle down Drogon and fly the f*ck away, but the judicious application of magical beasts on Thrones is a product of budgetary limitations. It irks me, though, that we have to pretend like Daenerys doesn’t have dragons because the producers/directors can’t be bothered to solve the dragon problem without CGI. For a show dubbed [Tits and Dragons] we’re remarkably short on dragons. But not tits! We learn a secret about Melisandre that is both intriguing and subversive. Jon Snow is dead and his loyal friends at Castle Black are already talking about ways to bring him back. Ser Davos tells them he has seen Melisandre do incredible things, and we cut to Melisandre, disrobing. It’s a classic Game of Thrones tit-shot, except our point of view revolves until we’re staring at Melisandre’s reflection and we see that she is, in fact, a crone. You will never again see Melisandre’s naked body without thinking of the “real” Melisandre underneath the sexy glamour, but it also widens the definition of what feminine power looks like. Savior of Jon Snow or not, Melisandre is clearly a powerful witch, and her true form is a wizened old woman. Amongst all the moments of feminine power in this episode—Brienne cutting down men, Ellaria seizing power, blinded Arya picking up a staff, Sansa accepting her first subject, Daenerys staring down her captor—here is one that strips away traditional female beauty and equates age with power. But what the f*ck is she doing? Is this Melisandre hiding? Or does her granny nap somehow factor into potentially resurrecting Jon Snow? I don’t expect to see Jon Snow alive again right away, so we may not know for a while. Right now it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that Thrones subverted the expectation they nurtured over the years, that the female body will be objectified for the male gaze, and turned it on its ear. We’re off to a good start. Attached - [Natalie Dormer] participating in the 2016 Virgin London Marathon in London, England on the weekend. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 11:56 AM [April 25, 2016 – Smutty Shout-Outs] [The Rock for Andrea] “Happy birthday Andrea! Girl, this year of all years, you deserve to have the best birthday ever. Relax, indulge, enjoy!! From Carrie” (By request – the Rock and as much muscle as possible) [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 11:42 AM [Privacy Policy] - [Unsubscribe]