Newsletter Thursday, September 28, 2017

[LaineyGossip.com - Calling all smuthounds!] Thursday, September 28, 2017 [Intro for September 28, 2017]( [Prince Harry with Hayley Henson, wife of British Paralympian Dave Henson and their two-year-old daughter Emily attend the Seated Volleyball on day 5 of the Invictus Games Toronto 2017 at Mattamy Athletic Centre on September 27, 2017 in Toronto, Canada]( Dear Gossips, It was Day 5 of the Invictus Games in Toronto yesterday. Prince Harry attended several events on the schedule, including Cycling and Seated Volleyball. Which is where his popcorn got stolen. Have you seen these pictures? Have you seen the video? Duana, who’s been swamped at work, texted this to us last night. No one’s timeline is immune to Prince Harry or, rather, to little Emily who didn’t give a sh-t who he was, she just needed a snack: A toddler takes popcorn from Prince Harry during the [#InvictusGames](. What happens when he realises what's going on? [pic.twitter.com/SX975rSipp]( — ITV News (@itvnews) [September 28, 2017]( Also happened in Toronto today: [WE Day](. Ban Ki- Moon, former Secretary General of the United Nations is expected to speak, there will be celebrity performances, Kelly Clarkson will be there and… since Harry is in town, and he’s attended WE Day in London before, and it’s an event to encourage youth civic engagement, and his cousin, Princess Beatrice was at the ME to WE dinner last night… [Dinner with royalty. @trish_bradley and I with Princess Beatrice. #MeToWe @princestrust and Prince's Charities Canada.]( A post shared by Melissa Grelo (@melissagrelo) on Sep 27, 2017 at 6:00pm PDT …is it possible that he could make an appearance? If he does, it would be the kind of event that’s also perfect for Meghan Markle. Possible or wishful thinking? Yours in gossip, Lainey [Click here for the rest of the photos.]( Posted at 12:45 PM [Is James Franco hot again?]( [James Franco and Dave Franco attend 'The Disaster Artist' photocall at Zurriola beach during the 65th San Sebastian Film Festival in San Sebastian, Spain, September 28, 2017]( Maybe you never thought he lost his hot. Maybe he was never hot to you to begin with. I had a thing for James Franco around the time of Spider-Man and Pineapple Express. But then James Franco became James Franco, The Artist. The Artist James Franco was intolerable. The Artist James Franco, however, got really tired (likely of himself, understandably) and went away for a while, to rest and to regroup and lower his profile. It was a good personal and professional decision. I didn’t notice that he was taking a break but now that he’s back, a lot of that eyerolling that used to happen when he was around all the time is gone. Which makes it easier to remember how talented he is. That’s never been in doubt. It just comes up earlier in the conversation now that you don’t have to get through the pretentious artist sh-t. Here’s James with brother Dave at the San Sebastian Film Festival promoting The Disaster Artist. James directed and stars in the film. Sarah screened it at TIFF – her review is [here]( – and she wrote that this is some of his finest work. Most critics agree with that assessment as The Disaster Artist was very well-received coming out of Toronto and there is now some speculation that James could have a shot at a Best Actor Oscar nomination for his performance. I wouldn’t be mad at that. Right now it’s still Gay Oldman’s to lose and everyone’s still waiting to see what Daniel Day-Lewis does in this Paul Thomas Anderson film that still doesn’t have a title and it’s due in December (which only means that when the trailer finally drops people will start freaking out and basically hand him the award) but the rest of the field feels wide open, three spots that could be anyone’s to take. And it’s not like James hasn’t been there before. He knows how to work that scene when he needs to. He knows how to look good when he needs to. He looks good, right? This leather jacket is bringing me back to his James Dean days. Have you seen his Coach ads? [Click here for the rest of the photos.]( Posted at 7:54 PM [Leave Hocus Pocus alone]( [Hocus Pocus]( Hocus Pocus is one of those movies, objectively not great but beloved by a generation anyway. I was ten when Hocus Pocus came out, and if there had been fan fiction and message boards in 1993, I would have been all over it, my screenname undoubtedly “ThackeryBinx27”, and unspeakably bad fanfic, in which Dani and Thackery defeat the Sanderson sisters and then kiss, filling my hard drive. I still watch Hocus Pocus every year at Halloween. Before Harry Potter, before Practical Magic, before Sabrina the Teenage Witch—show, not comic—there was Hocus Pocus opening the door to our world, but with magic (which is my preferred alternate reality, by the way). Hocus Pocus is a touchstone like Goonies, like Stand By Me, like Titanic. Yes, it’s like Titanic, COME AT ME. So of course, given our nostalgia-mad culture, Hocus Pocus has been the subject of sequel and remake rumors for years. Yesterday, Hocus Pocus screenwriter Mick Garris [gave hope to the world]( when he said, “I have heard they are developing the script…I think there will be a sequel.” He thought it would be for Freeform or the Disney Channel. So, a made-for-TV movie, BUT STILL. Hocus Pocus 2 at last! But wait. The world is dark and cruel, like Winifred Sanderson herself, and with the dawn comes clarity. That sequel Garris was talking about? Turns out, it’s a remake. The Disney Channel is going to remake Hocus Pocus without any of the original cast, and only one producer, David Kirschner, attached as an executive producer. Extra weird is that the original director, Kenny Ortega, has directed High School Musical and the Disney Channel’s villain-children movies Descendants and Descendants 2, yet he isn’t involved with their remake, either. Obviously, this is a TRAVESTY. My exact words when site manager Emily emailed me the story were, “F*ck off with this sh*t.” Hocus Pocus sells out Halloween screenings. It remains popular on home video/streaming. Television replay has hooked a new generation of fans. There is fertile ground for a sequel, or even a spin-off—pre-Salem Sandersons, anyone?—but a remake? Who is asking for that? We want MORE Hocus Pocus, not RETREAD Hocus Pocus. Way to miss the point, Disney. Remakes aren’t always a bad idea—see also: It—but it is in the case of Hocus Pocus. The magic of Hocus Pocus is—pardon the pun—the combination of its latent darkness and the look of the original. It’s from that era when special effects were still special—just good enough to make witches flying on brooms look good, but not so slick it takes away the charm of obvious craft. (In this way, it is like Titanic.) And then that cast—I cannot imagine who could ever top Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and Sarah Jessica Parker as the Sanderson Sisters. Who is a better Dani than young Thora Birch, with her too-old eyes and little sister sneer? Disney will find perfectly acceptable kid-bots to perform on command, but that chemistry will never be recaptured. And Disney, as it is today, is certainly not interested in the slyness, weirdness, and darkness at the center of Hocus Pocus. What makes that movie last, what draws new fans every year, is its perverse heart. Cannibalism, torture, sexuality—Hocus Pocus is a naughty kids’ movie. It takes the “casually negligent parents” trope common to kids’ movies and makes it explicit, and goes so far as to make parental neglect specifically about parents ignoring their children in favor of their own physical pleasure. The Sanderson sisters try to have an orgy with a guy dressed like the devil. The crux of the curse depends on a teenage boy admitting he’s a virgin. A young girl’s first crush is a CAT. Hocus Pocus is a weird f*cking movie, and there is no way Disney will let that much personality into their remake. A sanitized, corporatized, Disney Channel Hocus Pocus? Pass. [Source]( [Click here for the rest of the photos.]( Posted at 5:51 PM [Smutty Social Media, September 28, 2017]( [Lea Michele attends an exclusive screening of ABC's 'The Mayor', hosted by Eantertainment Weekly, at The London Hotel on September 27, 2017 in West Hollywood, California]( It was [Gwyneth Paltrow](’s birthday yesterday. Her boyfriend, Brad Falchuk, talked about her “f-cking perfect smile.” Should it be “f-cking perfect smile” or “perfect f-cking smile”? Is one more grammatically correct than the other? Anyway, not my point. My point is others, like [Rachel Zoe]( and [Jessica Seinfeld](, also wished her a Happy Birthday. So did [Reese Witherspoon]( – on Insta stories. Not on her photo feed. Our Joanna wondered why G was not worthy of a dedicated post. My theory? Yesterday was also the 15th anniversary of Sweet Home Alabama and Draper James celebrated with a Melanie Smooter shopping list. I think this is simply a business decision – branding over birthday. The other option is that it’s the “Happy Birthday” equivalent of the Emmy tug-of-war. Let’s watch that again, just because. [This is the most beautiful woman of all time and today is her birthday. We are all so lucky that she came into the world (but no one is luckier than me). Happy Birthday, Love. PS - this is pretty much the most #Gwyneth pic I could find - it has pizza, red wine, her phone and that fucking perfect smile.]( A post shared by @bradfalchuk on Sep 27, 2017 at 11:33am PDT [Happiest Birthday to this pretty perfect human 💖 @gwynethpaltrow..#realdeal #girlfriendsarethebestfriends 🌟#superwoman #wcw 🎂XoRZ]( A post shared by Rachel Zoe (@rachelzoe) on Sep 27, 2017 at 11:50am PDT [Happy Birthday to the Beauty Who Lights Up Life. I had lots of fun looking at old pics today. 😱😬🤦🏼 ♀️💓❤️💓love you @gwynethpaltrow]( A post shared by Jessica Seinfeld (@jessseinfeld) on Sep 27, 2017 at 2:36pm PDT Of course [Joss Whedon]( chose this hill to die on. Wait, is it possible Hugh Hefner did good AND bad things? But... But... *robot head explodes, humans escape from robot hot tub* — Joss Whedon (@joss) [September 28, 2017]( My favourite read of the week so far [is Mary Cella’s]( “Everything you Need to Know About Me, the Female Character You’re falling in Love with in a Romantic Film/TV Show Written by a Man.” Number 3 is, “I eat a lot, lol.” If you tweet the story from the website, the accompanying photo is of [Zooey Deschanel](. Nice touch. [Had an amazing day with the @baby2baby team and @huggies who donated 2.5m diapers to families in need! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️]( A post shared by Zooey Deschanel (@zooeydeschanel) on Sep 25, 2017 at 2:56pm PDT Twitter is experimenting with 280 characters. But why don’t they let us fix typos?! Hey guys! I feel SO sorry for those of you who have to abbreviate tweets because you only have 140 characters. Soooooooo lame! Anyway, what's everyone doing today? I'm just type-type-typing away! SO many characters! Talk to you soon. [#blessed]( [#280characters]( [#abcdefg]( — Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) [September 27, 2017]( This photo of [Carrie Underwood]( and Mike Fisher reminded me that we are approaching pumpkin patch season. In 2014, Mr. Bones was the pumpkin patch of choice, as noted in the (still relevant) [Rolling Stone article]( on paparazzi. As the piece pointed out, Matt Damon doesn’t take his kids there. Still doesn’t. Mr. Bones [opens October 6](). Who will we get the first shot of? My guess is Spencer and Heidi. They will want to get in on the action early and, bonus, she’s pregnant. [Got lost in a sweet corn maze today at #luckyladdfarms Fortunately, @mfisher1212 had a map and saved us (or, we cheated and cut through the corn to get to the parking lot). Also saw lots of cute animals and got some 🎃 for the porch! 👍]( A post shared by Carrie Underwood (@carrieunderwood) on Sep 27, 2017 at 5:43pm PDT [Lea Michele]( and [Busy Philipps]( have the same shirt and they came up one after another in my feed. It’s [Madewell x Girls Inc.](G9690/G9690.jsp) and if you like it, don’t hesitate. This will sell out. [Loving this dark lip! 💋]( A post shared by Lea Michele (@leamichele) on Sep 27, 2017 at 8:27pm PDT [Because too many times I post pictures of me on the floor sad. Tonight I am not sad! I got to see @chancetherapper and it was so great and fun and uplifting and I loved it and just what I needed and I'm so glad I went! ❤️❤️]( A post shared by Busy Philipps (@busyphilipps) on Sep 27, 2017 at 8:19pm PDT YOU LEAVE MANDY MOORE ALONE! Always! Rooting for you. [#thisisus]( — Ryan Adams (@TheRyanAdams) [September 27, 2017]( [Click here for the rest of the photos.]( Posted at 5:37 PM [Skincare by Madonna]( [Madonna launches MDNA SKIN collection at Barneys New York on September 26, 2017 in New York City]( [Madonna](’s been in New York this week promoting her skin line, MDNA. MDNA has actually been available overseas for a while but she just launched at Barneys which is why, now that American outlets have access to it, she’s been getting so much coverage. There’s a face wash, serum, the rose mist, and more, but the chrome clay mask is the one that’s been called the “[cornerstone of the collection](” because it uses “[volcanic clay from Montecatini in Italy](”. Anyway, some people are wondering, since Madonna’s had so many procedures – probably a lot of Botox and injections etc – if she should be the one to tell us about skin. The way I see it is that there’s nobody more obsessed with her skin than Madonna. Like, even people who get Botox and injections have to take care of their skin. In fact, I wonder if those people might take care of their skin even more. Because Botox and injections, for them, in combination with all kinds of exclusive and sometimes expensive products, is the way they maintain their faces. I’m not sure anyone who gets injected regularly leaves the clinic and is all like, oh now I don’t have to moisturise and put on antioxidants and do my eye cream at night for another 3 months until my next Botox appointment! If anything they’re using even more moisturiser and 8 different kinds of serum to protect the results of the Botox. My point is – Madonna can be an expert at plastic surgery AND at skin care products. Would you like her to be more forthcoming about how her products work WITH all the other treatments – invasive or otherwise – that she gets? That’s a different conversation. The conversation here is whether or not she knows her sh-t when it comes to masks and lotions and serums and etc. Why wouldn’t she? She’s been trying to find the magic potion for 30 years. The thing about magic potions though is that it’s different for everyone. What works for me isn’t necessarily going to work for you. For example, I exfoliate every day. That might be too harsh for others. The most expensive skincare product I use is the [Skinceuticals CE Ferulic]( antioxidant serum. It’s $170/bottle. It lasts 4 months. I apply in the morning right after exfoliating, before moisturiser. I’m obsessed with it. It’s brightened up my skin in the best way. But some people I know are sensitive to it. The cheapest skincare product I use is Aveeno body lotion – on my face. Every night. I love it. But you might find it too heavy. I’m always worried that my favourite products will be discontinued. This just happened 2 months ago. My favourite makeup removing pre-wipes were shut down. I’m down to my last pack and I haven’t been able to find a comparable wipe since. Madonna says this was the reason she decided to produce her own range of products: “I got really tired and fed up of years and years of performing, being onstage, being filmed, being photographed and always having to grab one product and then another one, and then another one,” [she explains](. “And as soon as I liked a product it was discontinued. It always happens to me. When I liked a product they stopped making it. So that was really the germ of what started this whole process of why I wanted to create skin care.” Well there’s something you can be mad at her for. When something I love gets discontinued, I just get to bitch about it. I don’t get to make my own, goddamn it. [Click here]( to read Racked’s product review of MDNA. Oh and one more thing, as I’ve gotten older? My personal approach is that products alone are not enough. A lot of it is diet. If I don’t have enough water or I’ve been drinking too much alcohol, my skin turns dull. Also if I skip oranges for two days in a row? Dull. Exercise lifts my skin tone for at least 48 hours. And, of course, facials. In my 20s, I didn’t believe in facials. Now though, I need the products AND the facials. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know I’m all about the microderm/cold gel laser double blast that I get from Lorinda Zimmerman at [W Skin Care](. You know who else goes to W Skin Care? [Meghan Markle](. [Click here for the rest of the photos.]( Posted at 4:53 PM [Pretty Little Liars gets a spinoff]( It has been three months since the series finale of Pretty Little Liars. It has been three months since I screamed obscenities at my television and threw my remote across the room at the [Big “A” Reveal](. For those of you who are real grownups who never watched PLL, the twist involved an evil twin and a British accent (cockney, I think?) that even Troian Bellisario couldn’t pull off. Spencer Hastings deserved better. We all deserved better. PLL showrunner I. Marlene King may be attempting to redeem herself because it was just announced that she will be helming the official Pretty Little Liars spinoff that will focus on the Sasha Pieterse and Janel Parrish characters Alison DiLaurentis and Mona Vanderwaal. At least they chose two of the most conniving and entertaining mean girls in Rosewood – and let’s be real, the two actors least likely to land post-PLL careers. The last time we saw Mona, she was living her truth running a creepy doll shop in Paris holding Evil British Twin and Mary Bad Wig Drake hostage in the basement. Classic Mona. As for Alison, she’s supposed to be living happily ever after with Emily and their twin babies, neither of which are British or evil, as far as we know. Since Shay Mitchell has signed on [for a new Lifetime series](, I doubt Emily is going to make an appearance on Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists. Pour one out for #Emison. The show will be based on the book series The Perfectionists by Sara Shepard and here’s how Freeform [describes the premise](: "Everything about the town of Beacon Heights seems perfect, from their top-tier college to their overachieving residents. But nothing in Beacon Heights is as it appears to be. The stress of needing to be perfect leads to the town’s first murder. Behind every Perfectionist is a secret, a lie and a needed alibi." Replace Beacon Heights with Rosewood and this show literally has the exact same synopsis as Pretty Little Liars. Can you still call it a spinoff if it’s just the same show in a different location with different characters but also some of the same characters? How are they going to explain Mona and Alison’s presence in Beacon Heights? If Beacon Heights is close to Rosewood, how come we’ve never heard of it? I’m getting flashbacks to PLL’s first failed spinoff Ravenswood. Please don’t make us re-live Ravenswood. Vulture has [just as many questions about this spinoff as I do]( but they also provide some clarity on the show’s murder mystery. The novel tells the story of five high-school girls who mocked up a murder plot to take vengeance on a boy who wronged them, but when he actually turns up dead, they become key suspects in the investigation and have to find out the truth to save themselves. Wait – this actually sounds kinda amazing. Vulture has preemptively pegged the show a “Nancy Drew–meets–John Tucker Must Die teen drama.” OK, I’m sold. What can I say? I’m easily persuaded and I’ve never met a teen drama I didn’t want to f-ck with. Here’s hoping the cast is more diverse than its predecessor (for the record, I know both Troian and Shay are mixed raced – two mixed girls does not a diverse cast make). Let’s get back to yelling about how batsh-t crazy the PLL finale was. SPENCER HAD AN EVIL BRITISH TWIN THE WHOLE TIME. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F-CK? If you are a grown ass women like me who needs to vent your frustrations about the finale and confess that you’re low-key excited for this spin-off, please email me. Tweet me. You are not alone. [Click here for the rest of the photos.]( Posted at 4:26 PM [When Issa Met Michelle]( [Michelle Obama and Issa Rae]( There needs to be a word for when two of your favourite humans you’ve never met but wish they were your family and/or best friends forever end up in the same picture. Like when Lainey woke up at 5am and fangirled over this photo of [Rihanna and Beyoncé](�©-jayz-attend-rihannas-diamond-ball-and-intro-for-september-15-2017/47906). Or when [Issa Rae]( met [Michelle Obama](. As the kids would say, name a more iconic duo. I’ll wait. [A) Me and My President. B) Me after my President told me she was mad about the #InsecureHBO finale fake out. C) Me hugging My President with eternal gratefulness. #INBOUND17]( A post shared by Issa Rae (@issarae) on Sep 27, 2017 at 11:01am PDT Please scroll through for the full experience. The second picture is my favourite for the caption alone: “Me after my President told me she was mad about the #InsecureHBO finale fake out.” The finale fake out Issa is referring to is *SPOILER ALERT* the Lawrence/ Issa happily ever after that never was. I still feel emotionally terrorized by that scene. I’m still not over it. And neither is Michelle Obama. We have so much in common. So, naturally, people are now freaking out that Michelle Obama watches Insecure. Of course she does. First, she’s a black woman. Second, Barack told Issa Rae last year that [he loves the show]( and who do you think Barack is watching Insecure with? I’m going to need a minute with the visual of Barack and Michelle snuggled on their couch giggling at Issa’s mirror raps. OK, I’m back. If you were following Issa’s Instagram stories last night like I do every night, you watched her lose her sh-t with Tiffany Haddish over meeting their president or as they called her, “the first black Queen of America." “We met Michelle Obama. She knew us! She had watched all of Insecure — that Sasha and Malia put her on, so shout out to them." I’m going to need a minute with the visual of Michelle, Barack, Sasha and Malia curled up on the couch watching that Daniel/ Issa blowjob scene. On a scale of Michelle Obama to Issa Rae, how awkward do you think that was? Issa and Tiffany said that Michelle invited them over to her “regular” house in Chicago for fried chicken and I died when Tiffany said, “I told her I had opportunities for us and she said, ‘let’s do it’ and I was like AHHH!’ What opportunity does Tiffany Haddish have for Michelle Obama? She kills me. I just hope Issa and Tiffany go live on Instagram the whole time they’re at the Obama’s— and that Issa brings [her soulmate Riz Ahmed](. This moment in black girl magic history was brought to you by melanin, black excellence and the Inbound marketing conference, which is where this all took place. Michelle Obama took part in a Q&A with our fave Roxane Gay. [Click here]( for more on Michelle’s inspiring words at Inbound and what she had to say to the 53% of white women who voted for Agent Orange Piece of Sh-t Klan President. #NeverForget. [Click here for the rest of the photos.]( Posted at 3:04 PM [Justin Timberlake: #neverforget… but they do]( [Justin Timberlake performs at 'A Concert for Charlottesville,' at University of Virginia's Scott Stadium on September 24, 2017 in Charlottesville, Virginia]( I told you. You might want to leave because this post will involve a lot of “I told you”. I told you, [way back in February](, when [Justin Timberlake]( appeared in an ad during the Super Bowl, that this would happen. That it was only a matter of time, a “matter of time before he gets invited to be the halftime performer. #NeverForget” Oh but they do. Or maybe it’s not about forgetting. Maybe, in JT’s case, there was nothing to forget. Because it’s not like he’s ever been treated like he did anything wrong. All the blame went to someone else. But I told you. Just last month [I told you again]( – about the rumours that Jay-Z and JT had been invited to co-headline the Super Bowl. Those rumours got extra loud yesterday as it’s been reported that JT’s in final negotiations, on his own, without Jay-Z, to perform at the Super Bowl. According to [Variety](, Jay backed out and now it’s only Justin who’s still trying to make this happen. The timing works for him because he supposedly has a new album coming out early in 2018. Oh and, you know, everyone’s picturing him closing the set to that stupid f-cking Trolls song which makes the pearl-clutchers happy because we can count on Justin Timberlake to give us “family entertainment”. After all, there was only one person on stage 14 years ago. A woman. A woman who ripped open her own jacket to reveal her nipple. Justin Timberlake removed himself from the situation. He left her for dead. That’s why they’ve forgotten. That’s why we’re here now. Because all this time, he let her eat all that sh-t by herself. Because we hold men and women to different standards. Because we hold white men and black women to different standards. For those of us who will #NeverForget though, maybe what we should do is keep reminding them. Here’s what happened at Super Bowl XXXVIII in Houston: [Janet Jackson]( was the headliner. Justin Timberlake was her guest. And they were performing HIS song. It was HIS SONG! Rock Your Body. At the last line, “Bet I have you naked by the end of this song”, is when HE reached over and HE pulled the plate off her chest, exposing her breast. HIS SONG! HE WAS SINGING! HIS LINE! And people freaked out. So it was Justin who took cover. Who slunk away, the f-cking weasel he is. Janet was forced to apologise publicly on television – BY HERSELF. Then they cancelled her at the Grammys. You know who they didn’t cancel? Justin Timberlake performed at the Grammys a week later and won two awards. He’s kept rising since then. Meanwhile Janet? Well, as you know, her career was permanently altered, permanently damaged. Because she was banned. She was blacklisted industry-wide. For a more thorough recap of the situation, and Justin’s repeated refusal to step up and share the responsibility for what happened, including several examples of his cowardice in the days – and years! – following the incident, [revisit Gawker’s post]( about what was expected of Janet after Nipplegate and how Justin Timberlake ACTUALLY BENEFITTED FROM IT. The fact that he’s welcome at the Super Bowl? That they want him to perform at the Super Bowl? It only confirms what we’ve already known. That men like Justin Timberlake, who use and discard women without compunction, will not only be OK, they will always be rewarded. This time with a prime spot on the most highly rated program of the year, the most-watched night of television of the year. Probably without much of a complaint. I mean, you and I, we might be bitching about it for the next 6 months. But what are the chances that this bothers people as much as it should? Especially since there are already some who think that he might bring Janet back, [as Variety notes]( that “one major TV music executive even insists a buzzworthy reunion with Jackson can’t be completely ruled out, though that seems far-fetched”. And…what? This is supposed to be gracious? Like after all these years, if it really goes down like that, we’re supposed to be impressed by Justin’s magnanimity? IT’S STILL GOING TO BE ABOUT HIM! No matter how you shake it out, no matter what happens, it’s never not going to be about him. Always him. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. HE will get the credit. On HIS stage. Any “forgiveness” then that Janet might receive would be at HIS request, by HIS doing – which is only an advantage for HIM. And the optics of that are even grosser than the original sin. Because it would be a white man responsible for the absolution of a black woman. Janet Jackson, at the mercy of Justin Timberlake’s blonde ringlets. I never want to see this. Please don’t let us have to see it. [Click here for the rest of the photos.]( Posted at 2:21 PM [Tom Cruise in American Made]( [American Made movie poster]( There’s a game I like to play with new [Tom Cruise]( movies. It’s called “How Old Does This Movie Think Tom Cruise Is?” It’s simple, all you have to do is watch a recent Tom Cruise movie and try and figure out how old he is supposed to be in that movie. (This game is made possible by the advent of digital beauty work, which allows actors to decide how many lines they want wiped off their faces in post-production. They won’t admit it, but pretty much everyone uses it. Some people use it a LOT.) For instance, this week I saw Tom Cruise’s new movie, American Made. At the time of production, Cruise was 54 years old. In the movie, he looks anywhere from 35-42 years old. So my guess is: American Made thinks Tom Cruise is 39 years old. Was I so profoundly bored watching American Made that I played this guessing game in order to stay awake? Actually no. American Made is pretty entertaining. It’s just so f*cking distracting that Cruise looks younger now than he did ten years ago. But once you get over the mental distortion of Cruise’s progressively less-lined face, American Made isn’t half bad. Cruise is too dedicated, too professional, and yes, too talented to drop the ball, and American Made plays to his strengths. He stars as Barry Seal, a real life figure caught up in the drug trade in the 1970’s and 1980’s. Barry is cocky, brash, reckless, sly, a little scuzzy but in a charming way, immediately beloved by everyone who meets him, and he’s the most super bestest pilot in the world. In other words, Barry Seal is a patented Tom Cruise character. Made traces Barry’s rise from TWA pilot to favored smuggler of the Medellin cartel and bag man for the CIA. See, Barry is running Cuban cigars through his TWA routes, which brings him to the attention of Schafer ([Domhnall Gleeson](), a CIA agent looking for someone to ferry guns into Central America. But the CIA doesn’t pay very much, so pretty soon Barry is smuggling cocaine for Pablo Escobar, and then eventually siphoning guns from the CIA to Escobar, too. And then he’s rolling in so much cash he literally has nowhere to put it, and all of this is presented as a grand adventure and Barry is a super cool guy who just got caught up in the challenge and fun of it all, and no one thinks too hard about the fact that the hero of our story—and Barry is very much framed as a hero—is a gun runner and drug smuggler. It’s a rags to riches tale of the “only in America” variety. Though the movie is pretty fun, it does have some problems. It drags a little, and while both [Jesse Plemons]( and Caleb Landry Jones are in it, both are wasted, and only have one short scene together. Jones plays Barry’s idiot brother-in-law who sets in motion the events that trigger the third act unraveling, and Plemons stars as the local sheriff who is oblivious to Barry’s activities. It feels like a subplot got cut that would have made more of his role, especially since Lola Kirke is on board as his smart wife, but she vanishes after one scene. And it’s not actually a problem for the movie, though it might be an issue for Tom Cruise, but Domhnall Gleeson is so goddamn great every time he’s on screen, he actually manages to pull focus from Cruise. (On a more serious note, during production a [plane crashed](, killing two pilots and injuring a third.) American Made isn’t great, but it isn’t bad. It’s pretty okay. Cruise has his schtick down pat, and this is a very Tom Cruise performance in a very Tom Cruise role. And there’s bonus Domhnall Gleeson and a mini-FNL reunion. With all the daring feats of aviation, it’s hard not to think about the pilots who died and the other who was seriously injured. And you have to forcibly remind yourself that Barry Seal isn’t the cool dude the movie thinks he is. But the movie itself is mostly enjoyable, only slightly too long, and classic Tom Cruise Being Tom Cruise. And hey, it’s great for a round of How Old Does This Movie Think Tom Cruise Is. [Click here for the rest of the photos.]( Posted at 1:27 PM [Privacy Policy]( - [Unsubscribe](