Faster, higher, stronger: tackling the travel Olympics

Simon Calder’s Travel Week [View in browser]( [The Independent]( [Travel] Simon Calder’s Travel Week [Simon Calder]( Written by Simon Calder | August 27, 2021 Team GB's Paralympians are performing brilliantly. Also this week , the pilots' union, Balpa, warned: "UK airports take Gold, Silver and bronze for worst affected by Covid in devastating new data." So it's the appropriate moment to contemplate the Travel Olympics: the challenges that stand between you and a rewarding journey and require reserves of skill and strength to overcome. My cycling trip along the Elbe in Germany this week comprised a modern travel pentathlon. First: disguise the bike in a canvas bag to look as anonymous as un-cyclelike as possible to avoid extra charges from Ryanair and German Rail. Next, before boarding the train from Berlin's shiny new airport, buy a rail ticket from machines apparently inspired by with Franz Kafka: “In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world.” Plus an added challenge: persuading the inspector on the train I was a daft foreigner rather than a fare-dodger after I failed to cancel the ticket before boarding. Just the ticket – but which one? A German Rail train at Dresden Hauptbahnhof The trip through the former German Democratic Republic, following the Elbe upstream from Wittenburg to the Czech border beyond Dresden, was a joy: a tranquil ribbon decorated by medieval towns. The red tape was easier to negotiate than my first trips in the 1980s through the DDR. The remaining three challenges of the modern travel pentathlon must all be overcome before boarding a flight to the UK. Getting a pre-departure Covid test certificate was simple: at Berlin airport, a towering nurse named Dennis administered the €29 (£25) test, with a negative result in a world-beating 17 minutes. The final pair of events, though, are tougher than navigating Checkpoint Charlie during the Cold War. You must complete the UK passenger locator form, a Kafkaesque document whose drop-down menus are designed to baffle. Plough through arrival points from abroad such as Barra airport (a beach in the Outer Hebrides) and the made-up location of "Geenock" along the way to Stansted. Finishing post: a self-storage warehouse in south London The fifth component: organise a post-arrival PCR test from one of the 400-plus providers on the government's online list. My preference is always for an airport clinic test, because that gives the maximum public health benefit and also means you can leave all the red tape behind. But Stansted's test centre closed before my flight arrived, which explains why on Thursday morning I was to be found at a self-storage warehouse in Battersea, south London, the finishing line for my trip. This was the location specified for the cheapest PCR test I could find. The testing company, known mysteriously as 0044, put plenty of hurdles in the way – for example by instructing users to call a long-dead phone number across the city in Shoreditch. But with the help of the receptionist I tracked down a friendly figure who handed me a test – which is now on its way to Wolverhampton. What a tangled web the UK's bizarre testing rules weave. No podium finish for me; I was just glad to be there. Destination of the week: Rhodes Time capsule: Rhodes Town With summer past its peak, the easternmost Greek island is even more appealing – with warm Mediterranean waters, and sunshine as abundant as history. Rhodes Town, the capital of the fourth-biggest Greek island claims an astonishing repertoire of influences, from classical to Art Deco. The walled Old Town is an intensely beautiful living museum, its stones testifying to a dramatic history – explained in the fascinating Archaeological Museum of Rhodes. Tui has a week departing from London Gatwick on 31 August to the island for a week for £308 including flights, transfers and self-catering accommodation at the Emerald Studios in Kremasti, a short and cheap (€2.40) bus ride from Rhodes Town. Deals of the week: Devon and Dubai - Between London and Devon, the obvious choice of train operator is GWR from Paddington station to Exeter St David's in under two-and-a-half hours. But South Western Railway also runs direct trains from London Waterloo to the Devon city. They typically take an hour longer but off-peak tickets are cheaper and more flexible. The earliest arrival in Exeter on a £82.50 return from Waterloo is 11.43am, compared with 12.59pm on the earliest £95.50 ticket from Paddington. - Emirates rapidly restores its network of flights from to Dubai from the UK, Newcastle will be connected to the UAE four times a week from 15 October. Through Expedia, there are plenty of sub-£500 deals for two people travelling out from Tyneside to the Gulf for a week in November – including flights and six nights' (at that price) budget accommodation. The first night is spent on the overnight flight. Question of the week: Can I transit through Belgium? Question: I have been double vaccinated and want to travel from London to Germany on Eurostar via Brussels. It appears I must quarantine and take a test on arrival into Belgium – and wait for a negative result before being able to transit through to Germany. Is that right? Answer: Fortunately not. The Foreign Office travel advice for Belgium warns that vaccinated visitors must “take a test on either day 1 or 2 of arrival and quarantine until you receive a negative result” – which of course is absurd in the context of a half-hour connection at Brussels-Midi station to an express bound for Germany. But buried deep in a [Belgian government website](info-coronavirus.be/en/faq): “For short-stay travel (less than 48 hours) in Belgium ... quarantine is not mandatory.” Tick the box on the Belgian passenger locator form to this effect. 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