NOT My Day!

It helps to have a sense of humor. GreenPrints gives us the boost we need. [GreenPrints]( April 15, 2023  [LAUGHTER IS GOOD FOR YOUR BODY & SOUL—GET SOME FOR YOURSELF NOW!]( When you read this special GreenPrints Collection Gardening Humor: Funny stories to keep you smiling & laughing all day long, you get a good dose of humor that will lift your spirits, keep you smiling, and boost your physical and mental health. Start reading—and laughing—right now! Dear Gardener, Thank you for reading content from GreenPrints—we appreciate your loyalty, and we share with you below a premium story that should give you a good chuckle. Because laughter matters. Turns out, studies show that regular laughter is good for your health—both your physical and your mental health: [Humor Collection]( - Laughing puts your body at ease. When you laugh, your body relaxes its muscles and releases stress. - Laughing makes you feel good. When you laugh, endorphins get released and deliver you the feel-good status you deserve. - Laughing helps you fight diseases. When you laugh, your immune system is boosted as disease-fighting cells increase, improving your ability to fight infections and to ward off all types of diseases. - Laughing can protect your heart and even help you lose weight. Sounds crazy? Not really! When you regularly laugh, you get better blood flow which can help protect your entire cardiovascular system. Plus, laughing burns calories—so when you regularly laugh, you could shed a few pounds over a year’s time. - Laughing makes you happy. When you laugh with others, you can avoid stressful situations and conflict—and laughing can help free you from harboring grudges that just make you feel bad. - Laughing might even help you live longer! One study found that those battling cancer lived longer and happier lives when ingested with regular doses of humor and laughter. So, what are you waiting for? Here is a quick-and-easy way to get regular doses of humor and laughter—with the special GreenPrints Collection [Gardening Humor: Funny stories to keep you smiling & laughing all day long]( Please check out this story from the GreenPrints Collection [Gardening Humor: Funny stories to keep you smiling & laughing all day long]( entitled “Not My Day”—it’s sure to give anyone, especially us gardeners, a good laugh: [Not My Day]( Ever locked yourself in a chicken coop? By Deborah L. Morris [Plastic Fork] I pulled into the driveway after work and got out of the car. It had rained again, the sixth day straight here in eastern North Carolina, and the humidity enveloped me like a sweaty blanket during a hot flash. I could wait until morning to pull the weeds that were growing into green monsters, but there were garden vegetables that should be picked now. I awkwardly dug my key out of my purse and let myself into the house. Oso was at the door as always, wagging his whole body, panting and smiling. He began running out onto the porch and then back in again. “Come out with me! Come out with me!” said his frantic loops. “Just a sec,” I said aloud, dropping my purse onto the kitchen counter. I had been listening to a funny audiobook, Bad Monkey, by Carl Hiaasen, on my iPhone in the car. I tucked the phone into my bra so I could continue listening, grabbed a small basket, and followed Oso into the front yard. I have two vegetable gardens. The one in front is circular and surrounded by a chicken run. It looks like an enclosed jungle, with vines on the fence and tall sunflowers, asparagus plants, and weeds swaying in the breeze. I picked some green beans, cucumbers, and a few late snow peas, then walked over to get the day’s eggs. The chicken coop, a 4’ x 6’ structure that has been painted and repainted by my grandchildren and their friends with sample colors from Lowe’s, is resplendent with stripes and polka dots and random splotches of color. I smiled, as I always do when I see it. The coop has a hinged cover over the nest boxes so that eggs should be easy to pick up from the nest. My chickens, uncooperative biddies that they are, prefer to lay their eggs in the straw on the floor of the coop. Sure enough, there were no eggs in the nest boxes. I opened the 4’ door on the back of the coop and peered into the dim interior. “Darn it,” I muttered. There were three eggs, all in the farthest corner from the door—with six feet of straw and chicken poop between me and them. I never know how to do this. If I crawl across the coop, I end up with chicken poop on my knees, and I was still in work clothes. This time I tried hunching down and duck waddling. I made it to the back of the coop and reached forward to pick up the beautiful brown eggs. Just then there was a gust of breeze—and the door slammed closed behind me. “Oh, shoot!” I cried. My iPhone continued to read Bad Monkey. I—Dumb Monkey—wasn’t laughing now. I pushed on the door. The steel latch on the outside didn’t budge. I banged on the plywood door. Nothing—except that the noise attracted Oso. He ran up to the coop and peered through the tiny screen windows, looking puzzled. He whined to see me in there. I whined, too. I considered lying on the straw bedding and trying to kick the door open, but I didn’t know if I could apply enough force to break either the steel latch or the hinges. I also didn’t relish the thought of getting chicken poo and straw in my hair. I looked at the little screen windows—no chance of getting through those. Poodle, a white chicken that reliably laid an egg a day for me, wandered up the ramp to its 10” x 16” doorway, tilted her head, and clucked a greeting. Thanks, Poodle. I looked at my phone: one bar of reception. Still, it was my only option. My son lives in Raleigh, a bit more than 30 miles away, and my daughter is on the other side of town, at least 45 minutes from me. Her ex-husband is a little closer, but calling him was just out of the question. There is only so much humiliation I can bear, and exposing my stupidity to that jerk was well over my limit. Call 911? I thought about it for a few minutes, while flies buzzed around my head and the coop got warmer in the sun (which had finally emerged, just to spite me). 911 it was. I pushed the numbers on the screen. “911. What is the nature of your emergency?” “Umm, I am locked in my chicken coop. I know this is stupid, but the door blew shut and I can’t get out. I’m sorry to bother…” “Ma’am, are you OK? Do you have enough air?” Being called Ma’am always makes me want to rant, but I was in no position to be critical. ”Uh, yeah, I’m fine. I’m just locked in.” “What is the address of your emergency?” Was this an emergency? I felt like an idiot calling her! She kept calmly asking me questions about my location. “Where is the coop located in relation to your house?” “In the front yard.” “The front yard?” “Yes. The front.” What color is it?” I finally managed to convince her that the coop—with its bright colors and crazy patterns—would be easy to find. “I have called an officer, Ma’am, and he is on his way. Are you breathing OK?” I wanted to scream, “Yes, yes, YES! I’m fine, but I am as embarrassed as heck and just want to get out of here!” But she sounded so nice and so kind that I couldn’t. “I am going to stay on the line with you as long as I can.” I meekly thanked her and brushed away more flies. Since the dispatcher was still on the line, I couldn’t swear at the chickens or even talk to the dog. I sat on the chicken perch, pondered laying an egg (how hard can it be?), stared out through the little windows, and sweated. I sang—silently—to myself. Dum de dum de dum. Ten—long—minutes later, I saw a black, mercifully unmarked car come up the driveway, and stop by the gate. I could see the driver on his radio looking through the window at Oso, who was barking and jumping against the fence. “He’s here,” I said to the dispatcher. “Tell him that the dog is a cream puff.” I heard her relay my exact words and the car door opened, revealing a young man with short brown hair. He had a badge on his belt and gingerly petted Oso over the fence. He relaxed as Oso’s short-tailed rear oscillated rapidly. The officer, or detective actually, as the dispatcher told me before she signed off, opened the gate and came over to the coop, trying hard to keep a straight face. He opened the door, and I unfolded myself off the perch and wiggled out. “Are you all right, Ma’am?” Have I mentioned that being called Ma’am makes me want to rant? I didn’t. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I thanked him sweetly. “All in a days work, Ma’am,” he said, grinning way too broadly. I watched as he walked—or rather swaggered—back to his car. He was speaking into the radio, no doubt calling the dispatcher, his girlfriend, his drinking buddies, and probably the entire police department. Nope, it was not my day. But I had certainly made his!❖ [Fork Army] Illustrations by Tim Foley What a fun and funny story! And the GreenPrints Collection [Gardening Humor: Funny stories to keep you smiling & laughing all day long]( has many more stories for you—stories that deliver you humor and laughter, story after story. Including this featured story—“Not My Day”—you get all the stories in this special GreenPrints Collection on humor including: - “The Vines in the Pines” - “My Horseradish Folly” - “A Milk Can Man” - “The Hedonist’s Garden” - “Naked Ladies” - “150 Plastic Forks” - “I Always Have Tomorrow” - “10 Things I Learned from Gardening” - “Crazy Woman Potatoes” - “Fruit of the Womb” - “The Metal Pig” - “Fall!” - “One Disastrous Mistake” - “The Obsessed Gardener” [Humor Collection]( And new stories are being added to this special Collection all the time—you get access to all of them! Please read what some subscribers say about how GreenPrints humor affects their lives: “I laugh so hard tears stream down my face!” —Sierra Butler, Carmel, CA “I got the latest issue and it lifted my heart with much needed laughter! My husband just went under hospice care, and it is very trying on me. Thank you so much for coming through when I didn't realize I needed you!” —Karen Tuffly, Kingston, OK “It's my ONE thing I can grab to read and escape, laugh, and learn! Thanks for all the smiles!” —Ashley Holland, Stephens, AR The only way to get full access to the GreenPrints Collection [Gardening Humor: Funny stories to keep you smiling & laughing all day long]( 13 other Collections filled with gardening stories about healing gardens, gardening science, animals in the garden, mystical gardens, gardening mishaps, and more—is to get [GreenPrints All-Access Membership]( with a whole year’s worth of stories in a full subscription to GreenPrints Magazine, both print and digital editions … and benefits galore for only $10 for an entire year! [$10 SPECIAL! 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