Need a Good Laugh Today? Check this out!

Get a good laugh and learn something new about gardening! [GreenPrints]( November 5, 2022  [GET A GOOD LAUGH NOW—AND LEARN SOMETHING NEW ABOUT FERTILIZING YOUR GARDEN!]( Gardening is all about continuous improvement … and having fun. Want to learn some unique gardening techniques, connect with other gardeners, and get a good dose of humor in the process? Great news! With GreenPrints, you get informative stories that also make you laugh. These “gardening stories from the heart” are reading for your enjoyment, fulfillment, and personal enrichment—you’ll be laughing out loud whenever you read an issue! For example, check out this story on page 32 in the recent Autumn 2022 issue of GreenPrints—an educational review about a unique way to fertilize your garden … and filled with puns to make you chuckle: Pee in Your Garden! Urine is the Number One free fertilizer. By John Hershey Caution: This article contains puns. (Yes, dear reader, urine for it.) Back when I had a real job, my coworkers loved it when I brought veggies from my garden to share. At least they said they loved it. Unless you think they were just being polite in thanking me for all that free zucchini? Surely not. But one day, when describing the fertile soil that produced this bounty, I happened to mention to a colleague that I pee in my compost pile. Executing a perfect spit-take with my homegrown radish, she announced that she would no longer be eating any produce from my garden. She was just kidding. I think. But the joke works because it highlights our society’s aversion to urine and our ill-conceived desire to live in a sterile environment. We’re raised to fear wee-wee, a feeling reinforced by our shared traumatic experiences. From the smell of city alleys to the sight of Kevin Costner drinking his own in the movie “Waterworld,” we are conditioned to be repulsed by pee. In perhaps the ridiculous apotheosis of this trend, a few years back some stoned skateboarder in Oregon was caught micturating into a lake that supplied drinking water to a nearby town. In response, spooked local authorities drained the whole reservoir, wasting millions of gallons of fresh water, not to mention trace amounts of healthful, trendy CBD. Gardeners, our society’s panic about pee has gone too far. It’s time to fight back. (Our chant: Free The Wee!) Urine is a precious bodily fluid. It’s full of nitrogen and also contains phosphorus, potassium, and micronutrients, in the forms most easily absorbed by plants. Yet we flush it away, turning it into a pollutant that causes algae blooms in our rivers and lakes. Sending it to the garden instead would reduce this burden and feed our plants. Wendell Berry said when industrial farms struggle to dispose of animal waste rather than using it to improve soil and then drench their crops with chemical fertilizers, they are turning one elegant solution into two big problems. We have the power to change the world, meeting this challenge one garden at a time. Let’s stop wasting our waste! [Pee in your Garden 1] We have access to a steady stream of free organic fertilizer, but we’ve just been pissing it away. That’s money down the drain! Tinkle irrigation makes even more sense in an arid climate like Colorado where I live: we can, as they say, make water. We should all pee in our gardens, and not just in the compost pile, although it’s a great accelerator. I use it on the fruit trees and vegetables, especially the peas and leeks, naturally. And of course I pee in the asparagus patch. That feels right, because no vegetable is more closely associated with urine. When we eat asparagus, we’re strongly reminded of it the next time we visit the loo. So payback is rich—in nitrogen! Relieving ourselves in the garden is fun, too. Perhaps we have a primal urge to mark our territory. Does a bear pee in the woods? Yes, and no soil is healthier than the forest floor. We love the power to write our names in the snow or put out campfires. Now we can have the same feeling in the garden. I realize some of this applies specifically to those of us with built-in spray nozzles. But with a bit of creativity or additional equipment, I’m sure the rest of you can enter the pissing contest, too. Everybody wins, and the prize is a bountiful harvest. [Pee in your Garden 2] I suppose this predilection makes me a urophile, but not in a creepy way. My fetish is limited to the garden, I swear. There are no dossiers about me. And I’m a Europhile, too. They’re way ahead of us in urine recycling in places like Holland and Scandinavia. In Amsterdam, they collect pee from urinals in a public square to water the city’s green roofs. Nowadays, whenever people enjoy something, someone will come along and try to monetize it. I’m sure when this idea catches on, the garden industrial complex will swoop in to profit from it. Soon we’ll see $12 bottles of pasteurized piddle in the garden shops, with clever names like Urine Luck or Gee Whiz or N-Pee-K. And I shiver to think of the slogans. “Golden showers bring May flowers?” Eww. These gross marketing efforts are sure to fail. There are some things I just will not buy on Craigslist. And the theory of trickle-down agronomics appeals to our frugality as gardeners. As with compost, we prefer to make our own. Costly synthetic fertilizers and pre-packaged pee are a piss-poor substitute for the real thing. We’re holding a free source of quality organic fertilizer right in the palm of our hand. Why spend dollars when you can spend a penny? (That’s British slang, so it’s a joke for the Europhiles among the urophiles.) Of course, it pays to be discreet. Don’t be a human Rain Bird out there. We wouldn’t want a routine fertilizer application to lead to indecent exposure charges. I keep an old glass pitcher behind the chicken coop that I can fill furtively and carry out to the lucky plant. I don’t think my neighbors are privy to my secret. They probably just wonder why I’m pouring all this apple juice on my crops. So let’s all answer nature’s call, go in the garden—and wet the beds! ❖ Illustrations by Hannah England Dear Reader, What an educational and funny story! And GreenPrints has published many, many humorous stories just like this one—stories that deliver you wit and wisdom, such as: - “The Vines in the Pines” (Autumn 2018 issue, p. 46) - “My Horseradish Folly” (Winter 2018-19 issue, p. 34) - “A Milk Can Man” (Spring 2019 issue, p. 16) - “The Hedonist’s Garden” (Autumn 2019 issue, p. 60) - “150 Plastic Forks” (Spring 2020 issue, p. 16) - “10 Things I Learned from Gardening” (Winter 2020-21 issue, p. 48) And tons more funny and informative stories in our Library—and coming up in future issues! Please read what some subscribers say about how GreenPrints affects their lives: “I laugh so hard tears stream down my face!” —Sierra Butler, Carmel, CA “I got the latest issue and it lifted my heart with much needed laughter! My husband just went under hospice care, and it is very trying on me. Thank you so much for coming through when I didn't realize I needed you!!” —Karen Tuffly, Kingston, OK “It's my ONE thing I can grab to read and escape, laugh, and learn! Thanks for all the smiles!” —Ashley Holland, Stephens, AR Including this featured story—“Pee in Your Garden!”—you get all 15 stories in the Autumn 2022 issue of GreenPrints with an [All-Access Membership](. Filled with stories that inspire and heal, GreenPrints also includes specially commissioned artwork with every article, to enhance the stories and entertain you—illustrations that are thought-provoking and just plain fun! Here is what one subscriber says about GreenPrints: “Thank you! BEST EVER Magazine!! It's like the finding a ‘treasure’ in the mailbox. Artwork is amazing!” —Jo Glenn, Port Royal, PA Here are the stories included in the Autumn 2022 issue: - “The Chinaberry Tree” - “My First Pumpkin” - “The Grateful Jalapeños” - “The Smell of Flowers” - “For Love and Money” - “Pee in Your Garden!” - “My Little Chickadee” - “Life Savers” - “An Autumn Gardener’s Motto” - “Following the Sun” - “Slug Chug” - “Pioneers” - “The Last Tomato Story” - “Cats in the Garden” - “Chicken Plop Tea” [Autumn 2022 Issue]( Now, you can [order your own single copy]( of the GreenPrints Autumn 2022 issue for $15, plus shipping and handling (and in some jurisdictions, you have to pay tax—you’ll end up paying more than $20 for a single copy with shipping, handling, and tax). Or, better yet, for just $20 (no shipping or handling … and no tax!), you can get [GreenPrints All-Access Membership]( for an entire year—with a whole year’s worth of stories in a full subscription to GreenPrints, both print and digital editions … and benefits galore! [$20 SPECIAL! GET A 67% DISCOUNT WHEN YOU CLAIM YOUR BENEFITS TODAY!]( [Claim your GreenPrints All Access Membership now, and you’ll get all the gardening stories to delight you, make you laugh, and fill you with heartwarming inspiration and motivation. Claim your benefits now!]( [GreenPrints all access]( [ONLY $20 FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR!]( Right now, you’re eligible for this limited-time invitation—to claim a premium [GreenPrints All-Access Membership]( with this Special Offer. You get a full year of membership in a club that provides you all the gardening stories to warm your heart, inspire you, and make you laugh. And for only $20 right now, that’s 67% off the regular $60 price! [Introducing GreenPrints All-Access Membership—Only $20 for an Entire Year!]( Your [GreenPrints All-Access Membership]( has privileges and benefits that are reserved exclusively for premium members like you. [Claim Your $20 Membership Now!]( Summary of All-Access Membership Benefits 01 A full year of GreenPrints All-Access Membership, an exclusive club for those who want to enjoy the greatest gardening stories ever—save $40 off the annual cover price, a 67% discount! $60/year Now Only: $20/year! 02 1-year subscription to the GreenPrints Magazine, quarterly issues filled with humorous and heartwarming stories—in print, delivered directly to your door, and sent to you digitally as soon as issues are published! INCLUDED 03 Full and immediate access to the GreenPrints Digital Library—your membership includes access to the current digital magazine issue and back issues, a digital version of The Weeder’s Reader—plus the library is constantly growing with new content regularly added! INCLUDED 04 Instant and unlimited access to all GreenPrints Collections—curated and comprehensive collections of stories from the heart, organized around specific topics such as humor, joy, romance, mystical and healing gardens, and gardening mishaps. INCLUDED 05 FREE BONUS: The Weeder’s Reader—a compilation of the sixteen greatest stories ever published by GreenPrints. You get a FREE copy mailed to you, plus instant and unlimited access to the digital version in the library! FREE [Claim Your $20 Membership Now!]( Become a [GreenPrints All-Access Member]( today—while this special $20 offer lasts! Sincerely, [Bill Dugan] Bill Dugan Editor & Publisher GreenPrints P.S. Claim your benefits with a spot in [GreenPrints All-Access Membership]( today—only $20 for an entire year with this Special Offer, a 67% discount off the regular price! P.P.S. You deserve to learn new ways to tend your garden … and to get a few good laughs, too—please act now to claim your [GreenPrints All-Access Membership]( and get informed and entertained every day! [GreenPrints All-Access Membership Special Offer—Only $20!]( 67% Off the Regular Price Now! [GreenPrints all access](  Claim your GreenPrints All-Access Membership today and get all the greatest gardening stories ever—heartwarming and funny, for you now! [YES, SIGN ME UP FOR JUST $20 FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR!]( About GreenPrints Magazine: GreenPrints shares the absolute best true stories of gardeners from all across the country. It’s the most inspiring, humorous, and heartfelt gardening magazine of them all. There is nothing else like it. We’re no spring seedling, either—we’ve been publishing for over 30 years. If you love to garden, you will love GreenPrints, THE magazine of personal gardening stories from the heart. 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