Does Punishment Actually Work?

Plus, How to Discipline Stubborn, ‘Unpunishable’ Children [Fatherly](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/hpWPhQThabKMQrDJJfgfeAzaX84=267) For many American parents, the word “punishment” evokes visions of children crying under the admonishing gaze of red-faced adults. These ideas of angry, tear-inducing retribution for misdeeds are tangled deep in the nation’s Calvinist roots. But at its core, punishment is a simple and useful psychological tool. It is the counterpoint to its more gallant sister: reward. Whereas reward is a mechanism that increases a behavior, punishment is a mechanism that decreases a behavior. As such it can be subtle, or it can be brutal. But it is not a punishment unless it decreases a behavior. The most important point to remember is that punishment should not erode the foundational relationship between a parent and a child. Punishments, or even threats of punishments, that threaten a child’s sense of safety, for instance, are particularly damaging and ineffective. So are punishments that are not tied to reasonable consistent rules. But used well, discipline is a powerful tool that can help children in myriad ways. THE BIG PICTURE %2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fdoes-punishment-actually-work%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/lqZ9KbdhLkGG917upr_6g-VSqA0=267 [Does Punishment Actually Work?](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fdoes-punishment-actually-work%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/2/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/KPA7GYMHvIFyCPP5lH-f4n68c8k=267) It entirely depends on [what you mean by 'punishment.'](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fdoes-punishment-actually-work%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/3/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/eyPNN9MWXE832mUUYVNnsP3JWcs=267) [READ THE STORY](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fdoes-punishment-actually-work%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/4/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/7_HdBbaeVPVLlcTf0QWCP19MNQ4=267) ADVICE %2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fhow-to-discipline-your-stubborn-child%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/YRswheCDawQcLGxoSnRR6bJSDpY=267 [How to Discipline Stubborn, ‘Unpunishable’ Children](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fhow-to-discipline-your-stubborn-child%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/2/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/Aq5ZFeqh69U3N79TTmCCkFz2WyM=267) You might not be able to control their behavior, [but you do have control over what they learn.](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fhow-to-discipline-your-stubborn-child%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/3/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/V9hWX1x-zFdWAe5bYIcnNZXPypY=267) [READ THE STORY](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fhow-to-discipline-your-stubborn-child%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/4/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/UL6FTXYu0nLkT5gGW874Qq9rEkI=267) TIPS AND TRICKS How to Gently Stop a Toddler from Hitting To really keep a toddler from hitting, parents need to double down on kindness and help their child practice acceptable ways of expressing their anger. Here are four steps to keep in mind. 1. Start with Values The foundation of any discipline, whether it be for an aggressive toddler that hits or any other kid, should be a set of well-established and well-communicated values. When a family operates from a foundation of prosocial, positive values it becomes easier to make and enforce rules. 2. Model the Behavior You want to See The best way to help a child learn more appropriate ways to deal with their anger is to model that behavior yourself. That might mean taking deep breaths when you’re frustrated, giving yourself a time-out to cool down, or simply expressing your frustration verbally, in a calm manner. 3. Praise Non-Violent Reactions When you notice your toddler dealing with frustration in an appropriate way, make sure you praise them immediately. Also, make it clear what you’re praising them for: “I really like the way you calmed down!” 4. Give Immediate Feedback and Redirect When you see a toddler hit, you should say “no” right away and offer an appropriate activity. If a toddler hits, give them something else to do with their hands. If they bite, give them something appropriate to bite on. You can offer a calm and to-the-point explanation (“That hurts!”), but it’s not the time for in-depth attempts at reasoning. Toddlers don’t learn by being told. They learn by watching and doing. FURTHER READING - [This Positive Discipline Model Helps Reshape How You Teach Children](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fpositive-discipline-changes-punishment-kids-parents%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/xGZYKMuTnxYWRpMyLtScfGv5CTg=267) - ​​​​​[Discipline Shouldn’t Lead to Tears](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fdiscipline-punishment-crying-kids%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/6_yx-Y2JDuOLSk1x13h0KlRWhsQ=267) - [Punishment For Kids Who Don’t Respond to Punishment](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fhow-to-discipline-kids-who-dont-respond-to-punishment%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/OnyC8_y-LrOvpcuv2-hmi6TZ8Mk=267) HEALTH & SCIENCE %2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fparents-yell-affect-child-development-laura-markham%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/wksaLaD1Gg51dtYBd-HYNIKP4wI=267 [What Am I Doing to My Kid When I Yell?](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fparents-yell-affect-child-development-laura-markham%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/2/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/I7US-qYTTGmSL2wqajhuRLdZlIc=267) Short answer: You're setting yourself up for [a lifetime of shouting matches](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fparents-yell-affect-child-development-laura-markham%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/3/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/aGx_N0JdXjLm2pRHepZbt0GPnoA=267). [READ THE STORY](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fparents-yell-affect-child-development-laura-markham%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/4/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/lrDp7P0GEKRB-Q5K9quKE-lkf7s=267) FURTHER READING - [6 Myths About What Happens When a Dad Yells](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fyelling-scares-kids-myths-parenting%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/p25bTTRLnMS6PQb9eFj7S5Hxs40=267) - ​​​​​[How to Control Your Anger with Kids](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Flove-money%2Fhow-to-control-your-anger-steps-for-parents%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/IQ_CBu8eC-vEVh8PxQwWaXga9cU=267) - [How to Restore the Peace After Disciplining a Child](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fparenting%2Fdiscipline-yelling-recovery-parents-kids%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/9xLbl3dJ4SMHT-MyMCU1a3rCbII=267) PARENTING %2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Flove-money%2Ftimeouts-kids-discipline-effective%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/5noZL_dSVmmy-8EXJdz_P5FxCCo=267 [5 Harsh Truths About Time Outs](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Flove-money%2Ftimeouts-kids-discipline-effective%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/2/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/Bm0N1PSOLpF-0puMpoU-42kqJVY=267) Timeouts may seem like the perfect solution for child discipline problems, but they are rarely used correctly which makes them less than useful. [READ THE STORY](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Flove-money%2Ftimeouts-kids-discipline-effective%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/3/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/H4mrtMy4A6xr9SratU5Vb_biAfg=267) MOVIES %2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fplay%2Fmost-terrifying-authority-figures-kids-movies%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/1/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/CKO0vl4mNKYQJ_YmAljiILcT7k8=267 [The Most Terrifying Authority Figures in Kids’ Movies](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fplay%2Fmost-terrifying-authority-figures-kids-movies%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/2/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/FbiS1zMiBsRjwXYwefGA7uWZQi0=267) Oooh that Mrs. Trunchbull [still gives us nightmares.](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fplay%2Fmost-terrifying-authority-figures-kids-movies%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/3/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/0kDz6qaHSoRqThBPIEjL2O1a_Ak=267) [READ THE STORY](%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Fplay%2Fmost-terrifying-authority-figures-kids-movies%2F%3Futm_campaign=27661%26utm_medium=fatherlyDaily%26utm_source=newsletter%26utm_session=c37e7b32-5b18-4c2b-a3ac-adb88aa64d4e/4/010001805d15c3a6-a84d3090-d571-4171-8624-665fceadf880-000000/ODuwfwEu4PvYl_nwCyg5I-A8xrc=267) You're receiving this email because you signed up to receive communications from BDG Media. 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