The Pain Never Really Goes Away. That’s Okay.

Plus, What Having a Second Child Does to Your Marriage, Finances, and Family Dynamic [Fatherly_Seahorse]( There’s no one typical reaction after the death of a parent. One person might hole up alone and cry for days, whereas others might feel numb. Grief might hit months or even years later: Someone out for a run might stop, suddenly gutted, because the way the sun is setting over the trees reminds them of the view from their parent’s kitchen. Or one day, out of the blue, someone might be taken aback by the way their kid presses her fingers to her lips when she laughs, just like grandma. If your spouse’s parent dies, and you want to be helpful, it’s hard to know what to do. First and foremost, be there and be present. Because they need you and one day you will need them. RELATIONSHIPS [supportinggrief-web]( How to Support Your Partner After the Death of a Parent Here’s how you can help [during this difficult time.]( [READ THE STORY]( TIPS AND TRICKS What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One Start with simple, open-ended questions. Anything that begins with “how” or “what” is worthwhile. These sorts of questions don’t communicate expectations or put words into someone’s mouth. They don’t ask the bereaved to behave in a certain way. They empower the bereaved to accept help on their own terms. Some examples of questions that tend to work: “How are you thinking about your dad right now?” “What memories are coming to mind about him?” “What are you feeling?” The openness and the invitation of such questions allows those attempting to provide support to communicate an awareness of the person’s internal thinking without taking certain emotional reactions for granted. Responses can vary, of course. Someone may be dwelling on a great memory or a nasty remark. They may be focusing on something they said to their mother or father. It’s all normal. It’s natural to want to offer comfort and reassurance in the wake of a death, but ultimately those who have lost a loved one need to come to terms with that transformative experience on their own terms. Here’s some more guidance on [what to say to someone who’s lost a loved one.]( FURTHER READING - [For Men, Dealing with Grief is Lonely and Isolating. This Needs to Change.]( - [​​​​​The Death of a Parent Affects Even Grown Children Psychologically and Physically]( - [7 Tips for Handling Grief the Right Way]( LIVE, WORK, THRIVE [Lobby_A-4]( [SEPTEMBER 28th AT 7PM EST]( You’re invited to “‘What We Really Know About ADHD" ADHD is often framed in terms of its negatives. And although living with ADHD can be a challenge, the condition also confers many advantages. People with ADHD often have high levels of passion, drive, and creative thinking. In this episode of Live.Work.Thrive, Scary Mommy and Fatherly team up to bring a panel of experts to discuss ideas about how parents can focus on the strengths of children with ADHD and start seeing them as superpowers. [REGISTER FOR FREE]( EVENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY [GEI_PMS286_B (1) (1) (1)] PARENTING [second-child]( What Having a Second Child Does to Your Marriage, Finances, and Family Dynamic When families welcome a second child into their world, [they often welcome some unexpected surprises.]( [READ THE STORY](www.fatherly.com/love-money/having-second-child-effects-marriage-finances-family-dynamics/) TIPS AND TRICKS 3 Expert Tips for Balancing the Chaos of Two Kids [Advice from parenting and child development experts.]( 1. Prioritize one-on-one time When your older child is used to having to all to themselves, having a sibling can feel disruptive, even provoking feelings of jealousy (which in kid terms can look like acting out). Child and family therapist Fran Walfish, Psy.D, recommends minimizing that jealousy by designating regular one-on-one time with each kid. It doesn’t have to be extensive – even 10 or 15 minutes of reading a book or digging for worms in the backyard will make a difference. And as tempting as it is, make sure you don’t allow the other sibling to interfere with that special time – doing so sends the message that you don’t care enough to focus fully on the kid you’re spending time with, which can make the jealousy worse. 2. Don’t compare You love both your kids equally, but it’s natural and normal to feel favoritism every now and then. Some kids are easier to deal with than others, and you might have more in common with one of your children than the other. The key, according to Walfish, is to be self-aware so you don’t show or communicate that favoritism. “Sometimes, it’s the child who is less responsive to you who needs more of you,” Walfish says. “Do your best to deliver the needs of each individual child. And never, never compare your kids to each other or to other children. It only demeans and makes your child feel less valued.” 3. Create Separate Play Spaces All kids need time for independent play to feel balanced and healthy, and according to Laura Froyen, Ph.D, an early childhood and parenting specialist, it’s important to prioritize that. One practical way to encourage solo playtime is by creating separate play spaces for kids. “This way a younger one can’t bother or destroy what the older one is doing, and the older one can’t always micromanage or show the younger one what to do,” Froyen says. “This can also really reduce fighting.” [Here are some more expert tips for raising two kids.]( ENTERTAINMENT [star-wars-visions-kids-eps]( [A Guide to Watching ‘Star Wars: Visions’ With the Kids]( The Force is strong with the new anime series. [But which episodes are good for the younglings?]( [READ THE STORY]( TALK TO US Have a question? Comment? Want to tell us a no-good terrible story? Or a helpful parenting tip? We want to hear from you (and yes, we may publish your response in an article or forthcoming newsletter). Send your thoughts to [hello@fatherly.com](mailto:hello@fatherly.com?subject=Fatherly%20Newsletter%20Feedback). 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