Fark NotNewsletter: Well, crap

This is a multi-part message in MIME format... ------------=_1585683491-1654-57116 Content-Type: text/html Content-Disposition: inline Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable [3D"The](3D")= > [3D"Facebook"](3D") [=3D"Twitter"](3D") [3D"Totalfark"](3D") Having trouble reading thi= s email? View it online [here](3D". Comments thread: [ 3887](3D" Unsubscribe links are at the bottom of this message. =20 =20 ________________________ A message = from Drew Curtis: ____________________= ____ So last week I sounded the alarm about F= ark's ad revenue. I've got more data for you this week on why and= how, along with what I'm expecting from the next quarter in terms of ad re= venue. Tl;dr, it's an existential threat. If you can, sign up for [TotalFark](3D") and [BareFark](3D"http=). Since the last N= otNewsletter, we discovered what specifically caused the sudden rapid decli= ne in ad revenues - turns out it affected all news sites, not just us. = ; Apparently branding experts are reluctant to run advertising on pages tha= t mention COVID-19. The theory is they don't want their brand to be associa= ted with negative connotations. The problem, however, not just for us= but for all news sites, is that 90%+ of all content is COVID-related right= now. As a result, when 3,000 brand advertisers all simultaneously block th= e words COVID-19 and coronavirus, news site ad revenue plummets. You = can read more about that and how it threatens the entire online news ecosys= tem in [this great summary article by Craig Silv= erman](3D"=). However, there's more bad news - also last week the IAB, = which is the primary trade group for online advertising among other things,= released the results of a survey of ad buyers to try to figure out what ef= fect the lockdown will have on ad revenues. The short version is it'l= l be worse than 2008, which is pretty dire because in 2008, Fark's revenue = dropped to near zero. There's more info and [data from the IAB survey here](3D"). = What this all means is, without an influx of [TotalFark](3D" and [BareFark](3D") subscribers, Fark will not survive the pandemic. I'm exploring every option available to us, including SBA disaster loa= ns. Things do not look good, but I promise I will keep pushing to hold thin= gs together until all options are expended. Which may have to include block= ing ad-block use on Fark. It's not just Fark that'= s in trouble either - the Columbia Journalism Review is just this morning s= ounding the alarm about the impending local news apocalypse. It's goi= ng to hit all of us. [Support your local news outlets](3D"https:/=) as well if you can. Sorr= y for all the doom and gloom today. On the bright side, Fark's traffi= c is up. So that's something. On [this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast](3D"), Todd takes the spotlight and de= scribes living in a Manhattan hot zone half a block from a field hospital i= n Central Park. Mobile morgue units, police-enforced social distancing, but= also 7 p.m. city-wide cheers for responders. We're living through history,= folks Also, with the speed of today's news cycle, Dalla= n and I are doing an almost-daily livestream summary of the latest in pande= mic news (almost daily because we skipped yesterday, for example). Don't ex= pect anything slick or streamlined, we're literally making this up as we go= along. Currently we're streaming from [= .twitch.tv/drewcurtis/](3D") but hopefully once our trademark claim on /fark = goes through, we'll move there. We expect to stream sometime today, b= ut if you miss the livestream, it will still be on Twitch later. We'l= l cover a quick summary of what's newsworthy from the past 24 hours and con= clude with some much-needed distractions, including today's latest Internet= drama regarding whether or not Andrew Cuomo has nipple piercings. We're ju= st asking questions here. Be safe, everyone. ________________________ We now return you to your usual Fark = NotNewsletter. ________________________ Fark's working= on ways to keep you entertained during this time of social distancing. To = start, we're posting weekly "art" contests with different themes and m= edia, which we're tentatively calling Fartist Friday - let us know if you h= ave a suggestion for a better name. We ran our first Fartist Friday contest= last week, [MSPaint your pet or your dream pet](3D"=). The winners o= f the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the Fark NotNewsletter, wher= e we'll also announce the theme for the next contest, as you'll see below. = Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed = until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will = close at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times a= re approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit t= heir entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending= on feedback. Please [contact Farkback](3D"https:/=) to let us know what you think= , and feel free to [submit your own Fartist Friday ideas](3D"https://w=). PS: Spe= cial thanks to Prank Call of Cthulhu for [having this video= with Milana Vayntrub made for your fellow Farkers](3D"). So awesome of you t= o do that. XOXO, DisseminationMonkey = Top Comments Some= of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week = Funny: probesport shared evidence that the crackdown on buttmunching is underway= > Diogenes explained being [unwilling to donate computer processing power to fight COVID-19=](3D" Benevolent Misanthrope summed up [a complaint from a couple who bought out a grocery sto= re's entire meat section](3D") Prank Call of Cthulhu [did an awesome thing for Farkers](3D") (check ou= t the link) fusillade762 pointed out [the most surprising thing about the number of confirmed= COVID-19 cases in South Carolina](3D") zobear had an id= ea of [which movie LordOfThePin= gs was searching for](3D") Naido remembered&nb= sp;[what we were promised we'd have in the = future instead of pooling computer power to solve problems](3D") B= izarreMan [knew when to bow out of= trying to answer a math question](3D"https://=) Diogenes found t= he part of an article that explained [what s= omeone who ignored social distancing guidelines really did wrong= a> We Ate the Necco Wafers and spouse had a](3D" about their wishes should something happen= to one of them](3D") Smart: Prank Call of Cthulhu= [did an awesome thing for Farkers=](3D".=) (check out the link) Louisiana_Sitar_Club stated&= nbsp;[the truth about sincere apologies](3D")Walker had a suggestion for [what New York City should do with the bodies they have no room = for](3D" Gratch responded to [claims that coronavirus survived for 17 days on a cruise ship= a> bobtheme figured that](3D" spring-breaker who was in a viral video probably learned his less= on](3D" FlashHarry told [people who don't know Milana Vayntrub by name who she is](3D" LionHound brought up [the= biggest "coronavirus parties" that have been happening](3D" syry= nxx learned about too much o= f a good thing UNC_Samurai had a question for = ;[the Lieutenant Governor of Texas](3D") FormlessOne had [step-b= y-step advice on getting through the pandemic crisis](3D" CSB Sun= day Morning: [Stories = of the helpers](3D"=) Smart: Unikitty appreciated&nb= sp;[what people classified as essential wor= kers are doing for us](3D") Bonus Smart Pick: Someone E= lse's Alt described the frig= htening conditions in which health care workers are fighting to save our li= ves Funny: gordian [helped an "Elsa ninja going camping" deal with being cooped up CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers s= hare true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have= a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please](3D" it](3D" on= Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to wri= te it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies). &nbs= p; TotalFark Discussion: Note: This section can only be = accessed by [TotalFarkers](3D"=) Smart: Bad= afuco had a great idea for [what to do while you're stuck at home](3D" Funny: Old M= an Winter explained how the = COVID-19 stimulus bill works for those making more than $100k/year Smart: WickerNipple argued that [prayer didn't work when a Farker got bacon-wrapped pork= tenderloin for dinner](3D") Funny: JerseyTim e= xplained [the choice to be a Farker](3D"=)= Smart: make me some tea takes [a prophylactic approach to keep everyone safe](3D") Smart: generalDisdain figured that [some people need more stimulation than others](3D") Note to TotalFarkers: While I will continue to avoid linkin= g to posts from selfie thread in the Fark NotNewsletters, I'm going to star= t including posts from non-dedicated selfie threads that include selfies an= d personal or family photos because it's getting more common for random per= sonal pictures to show up in random threads. I will still try to avoid link= ing to posts from threads that I think the submitter or commenters might pr= efer to keep to a smaller audience. Also, please feel free to [email me](3D") if you would like to make sure I don't link to comments = from a particular thread. Politics Funny: = etoof thought [Rand Paul coul= d use some help fighting COVID-19](3D=) sniderman told u= s [how one morning news show covered an= attack ad the Trump campaign is trying to get off the air](3D") P= ocket Ninja explained [why Ne= w Jersey doesn't need as many medical supplies as Florida does](3D" Mr.Hawk shared a story about [going way out of your way to have everything your neighbor has](3D" hissatsu corrected [a = Fake News graph about COVID-19](3D" Politics Smart: The Third Man lamented [th= ings that needed to be included in the coronavirus relief bill](3D" Driver had [reason to pref= er the relief checks don't have Donald Trump's signature on them](3D=) Private_Citizen wanted to [correct the owners of Hobby Lobby when they say God wants them to keep t= he stores open](3D" Scarlioni discussed [states placing restrictions on people coming in from = other U.S. states](3D") OldRod pointed out [an opportunity Trump doesn't take over and over aga= in](3D") Top Contest Entries= u> Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, list= ed from highest number of votes down Photoshops: hail2daking showed what wil= l happen to your neighbors if you keep hoarding RedZoneTuba = was [nuts about Trump](3D"https://w=) = hail2daking [urged us to= be more rational](=3D" Yammering_Splat_Vector encourage= d us to [keep our elderly uncle safe](3D"=)= > DarkJohnson had [a helpful reminder for all you buttwipes](3D" Snubnose = figured [all paper can be reused](3D"=)opalakea [gave this sena= tor a mobile home](3D=) Iggie [put the Trump in trumpet. Wait a minute. Strike that, reverse it](3D" hail2daking got our s= quirrel to cover up a little RedZoneTuba reminded = us to [take care while we share](3D".=) = Captions: From [What is kit= ty saying?](=3D" Grumpy Cat knew that [this cat is actually singing](3D") Fara C= lark could tell that [kitty p= robably was not on board with an experiment](3D" For [Caption these masked dancers](3D"): RedZ= oneTuba [sang along with these hap= py workers](3D"=) kdawg7736 wrote them [a song we can all identify with](3D") From [Caption these two guardsmen](3D"): Harry Freakstorm revealed [how lucky one of these guys has been](3D" Harry Freakstorm = ong> [fell for a recruiting pitch](3D") From [Caption this online ordering mis= take](3D".=): markie_farkie decided [a little profanity was in order](3D") Cache = strong> found out [the real reason th= is tiny toilet paper was sent out](3D"https=) Fartist Friday: [MSPaint your pet or your dream pet](3D") Conservative Ev= angelical Millennial Cyclist's [pachyderm was really packing](3D" whatsupchuck has&nb= sp;[a speckled kitteh](3D") west.l= a.lawyer's [pup is catching a = snooze](3D"htt=) There are a lot more great entries in this contest, so be= sure to check them out. This week's Fartist Friday theme: Make a= mask with things you already have in your home Difficulty: You can't use a= mask to make your mask Farktography: Petit_Merd= eux won Farktography Contest No. 777: "[Quarantined](3D")" with [ess= ential supplies for a week or two of social distancing](3D" Farktogra= phy is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Fa= rktography theme, please contact [Elsinore](3D" . Fark Weird News Quiz= span> (brought to you by ox45tallboy) Another = fun time on the quiz, only marred by the fact that now every news story see= ms to be about the Coronavirus. The 1000 club is still closed due to social= distancing, but it would definitely be crowded this week. Top honor goes t= o The Third Man with his ridiculously high score of 1035. The rest of the 1= 000 club is below: Evildog 1033 WoolyMan= wich 1031 sugaryvitamin 1027 Franco= File 1027 ThomasPaineTrain 1024 Bea= r151556 1011 SFSailor 1006 Jerry Cu= rlan's Horsey 1000 The hardest question on the Hard Quiz wa= s over the South Georgia Pintail, a rare duck found on an island in the Ind= ian Ocean. Only 59% of quiztakers knew that the odd ducks were observed eat= ing dead carcasses of seals and other critters, making them the only variet= y of duck known to eat meat. No word on their affinity for Orange Sauce. The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over French physician Victor= Burq and his observations during the Paris cholera outbreaks in the 1800's= . 90% of quiztakers knew that even before Germ Theory became prevalent, he = realized that people exposed to large amounts of copper were far less likel= y to become sick. For the record, the Statue of Liberty has only taken 2 ye= ars off due to illness (1984-86) in her 134 years, so I think that counts f= or something. The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what ne= w product can give you your Hostess confectionery fix in an all new format.= Only 42% knew that you can now buy Ding Dongs, Honey Buns, SnoBalls (ewww)= and Twinkies in a convenient drinkable iced latte. Pop-Tarts are owned by = Kellogg's, while Hostess brands are now owned by rival Bimbo, so don't expe= ct to see any partnership there anytime soon. The easiest ques= tion on the Easy Quiz was over the old TV show "The French Chef" and its ho= st, one of the original pioneering TV chefs who taught Boomers how to cook = something besides those weird Jell-O and frozen pea aspics their aunts brou= ght to pot lucks and no one ate. 91% knew that it was Julia Child who hoste= d the show for 6 years in the late 60's and 70's. Cajun author and comedian= Justin Wilson hosted "Louisiana Cookin" on PBS and taught GenX'er kids how= to measure salt in their palms and how to say "I gair-on-tee." Cong= ratulations once again to the winners, and I'll have the link up for this w= eek's Fark Weird News Quiz shortly. --------------------------------------------------------------- ([Fark.com](3D"") sent this newsletter emai= l to: {EMAIL}) To stop these emails, go to the Notifications tab of your [MyFark profile](3D"https:=) to change your subscription preferences. Or, [click here to unsubscribe](3D") from newsletter emails, even if your Fark login isn't '{NAME}'. [Click her= e to unsubscribe from ALL Fark emails](3D"). Fark, Inc. PO Box 1713, Versailles KY 40383 = ------------=_1585683491-1654-57116--