How to break negative patterns

CIA lesson to break free from patterns [Image](https://) Greetings Everyday Spy, New Year, same newsletter, different spy - hello from Jihi! Your inbox is about to get a lot funnier. Not a fan of change? Me either. We’re in this together - think of me as the quiet, slightly shorter, extra witty version of our favorite big-haired spy. When I was kid, New Year’s Eve was about spending time with extended family and staying up late playing with my cousins. We gathered at my Grandma’s house in Florida and sometimes at my Great Uncle’s house in Venezuela. - Big family vs huge family - Watching the New York ball drop on TV vs shoving grapes in your mouth as the clock strikes twelve - Both were great. I was surrounded by family. I looked forward to it every year. After college, NYE changed for me. People got older. People moved. I moved. The big family time I loved was just not always an option on that specific night. That’s life. So, New Year’s Eve became just another day. Fast forward almost two decades later (no need to do the math here, please!) I’m married to Andy - the love of my life, the father of my children - and we find ourselves always arguing on New Year’s Eve. I’m not talking little quibbles like, “Is that what you’re wearing tonight?” Big arguments about feelings and intimacy… and not being on the same page in a life that we committed to each other forever. We would both go to bed mad and sad, starting the New Year bummed out every year. It was terrible. I couldn’t figure out why it was happening. - The first year we fought, we’d just had our second baby and I thought, “I’m just tired. He’ll get over it. We’ll do better next year.” - Second year, I hate to admit, I thought the same thing. - Third and fourth years, we both tried harder to talk it out, but we still seemed to be talking past each other. I could tell Andy was trying to communicate his feelings, but I didn’t fully let myself really hear him. I was too focused on trying to keep myself awake enough to have sex after midnight. It never worked. I was a pumpkin by 10pm- thank you, kiddos! It didn’t matter anyway because sex “after midnight” was never the issue (though it is a great song!). In July 2023, we took a family cruise to celebrate birthdays for me and our daughter, Alai. My real gift? The kids club. Hours of glorious alone time with my husband during the day - my peak hours of energy. We reconnected. We were renewed. And guess what we talked about in our renewed connection? New Years. We vowed that we would stop our cycle of arguing on New Year’s Eve. To execute our plan, we decided to start from the beginning. Not, what do you want to do for New Year’s? But, what makes New Year’s special to you? Click - everything made sense. I never realized we had such different meanings attached to New Year’s Eve. For me, It was just one (of many) reasons to spend time with loved ones. But for Andy, New Year’s Eve was a time of reflection and New Year’s Day was a time of projection. The crux of our argument was never about staying up late with the kids to watch fireworks and ‘banging in the New Year’ after they went to sleep. We knew now we just had different ideas of what the holiday meant. Now, we both felt New Year’s Eve was about spending quality time with each other, reflecting on all of the achievements, experiences, adventures and growth from the previous year. New Year’s Day was the time to project the year ahead through discussions of hopes, dreams, and goals. I was recharged. Andy and I both felt connected again! I had an instructor at the CIA who told me, “If you don’t write it down, it didn’t happen.” Documenting everything was drilled into us. When you work with a group of people who are spread across the globe, who have very important secrets that nobody else knows, things must be written down. Remembering this lesson, I got to work writing everything we talked about. I pulled out my phone and typed up our ideas in a notes app. The Notes - organized in my own special way that Andy likes to call ‘disorganized’. Agree to disagree. New Years Traditions: Week of: review year in each kids journal NY Eve - time capsule: open, review, fill again - art day! Maybe outline feet and hands of kids (paint?) NY Day - first family day! Bake Nestle chocolate chip cookies (shape some into year numbers), family walk, family movie (no limit! rent if you want!), family dinner They were nothing fancy, not pretty, and, okay, I’ll admit not incredibly organized. (Let’s keep that between us, though.) But can you guess what happened when we got home and over the next six months? You guessed it. Life. The same life we’d been living before we ever got on that cruise. And somewhere between work and house and kids - yup, I completely forgot the amazing breakthrough we had. As December 2023 got closer, I started thinking about New Year’s Eve, Andy, and the cruise… I couldn’t quite fit it together. Hey, life is busy and then we add the holidays?! It’s a wonder I remember to wear shoes. I did finally have that ‘aha’ moment when I remembered those wonderfully organized notes I had taken right after the cruise! Having those notes saved mine and Andy’s New Year. We were able to go back to the breakthrough conversation. Instead of arguing, we found ourselves on the same page (and ready to bake some cookies!) Life happens. It is full of ups and downs, joy and sadness, progress and setbacks. Kids become obsessed with pokemon, then beyblades, then minecraft, and back to pokemon again, all while growing through two shoe sizes in six months. You grow, too. At work, in your personal life, in your social circles. As a spouse. As a parent. All of this change is swirling around and within you. It’s the chaos of life, right? There’s a good chance those rare and beautiful ‘big ideas’ or even the smaller, quieter, moments of pure good memories will get lost. Take a lesson from the CIA and write it down. Write it anywhere - in an app, in a notebook, on a receipt, or on your hand! Wherever it makes sense to you and you can access it later. Because if you don’t write it down, it didn’t happen. Godspeed, #EverydaySpy P.S. - Did you know that self-discipline is not what you need to make your dreams a reality? See what will really help you reach your goals in 2024 by [clicking](. Follow @EverydaySpy on Social Media! [Facebook]( [Twitter]( [LinkedIn]( [YouTube]( [Instagram]( Andrew Bustamante, Founder of EverydaySpy.com, is a former covert CIA Intelligence officer, decorated US Air Force Combat Veteran, and respected Fortune 500 senior advisor. Learn more from Andrew on his Podcast (The Everyday Espionage Podcast) and by following @EverydaySpy on your favorite social media platform. This email was sent to {EMAIL}. 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