The 12 Questions to Ask Before You Marry Someone

Editor's note: We continue our special weeklong series of wisdom-filled essays from Empire Financial Research founder Whitney Tilson with the 12 questions to ask before you get married... I love the advice Berkshire Hathaway's (BRK-B) Charlie Munger gave when asked for the key to marrying a great person... "Look in a mirror and try to […] Not rendering correctly? View this e-mail as a web page [here](. [Empire Financial Daily] Editor's note: We continue our special weeklong series of wisdom-filled essays from Empire Financial Research founder Whitney Tilson with the 12 questions to ask before you get married... --------------------------------------------------------------- The 12 Questions to Ask Before You Marry Someone By Whitney Tilson --------------------------------------------------------------- [Legendary financial researcher goes on record]( Legendary financial researcher Herb Greenberg just went on record with something that few people understand is available to them. It's a unique "savings account" that can pay you up to 50% on your money, starting today. It could be the best money move you'll make this year. [Check out everything right here](. --------------------------------------------------------------- I love the advice Berkshire Hathaway's (BRK-B) Charlie Munger gave when asked for the key to marrying a great person... "Look in a mirror and try to improve yourself because great people only marry other great people." Once you establish criteria to evaluate a potential spouse, ask yourself how you stack up on those same criteria. There are always things to work on, and constantly improving is a great way to attract a wonderful spouse (and be successful in life!). You never know where you might meet that perfect person, but there are certainly some places where you're more – or less – likely to do so... I met my wife Susan in September 1990 when a friend and I crashed the Harvard Law School orientation boat cruise on Boston Harbor. That was a good place to look. One of my friends met his wife when he volunteered to guide blind runners in the New York City marathon. That was another great place to meet someone, as all of the volunteers were highly likely to be both athletic and good hearted. In contrast, a Navy SEAL told me he met his now ex-wife at a strip club where she was performing. Later, as he was thinking of marrying her, he said his friends told him that as soon as he was deployed overseas, she'd cheat on him and empty his bank account. He ruefully admitted that that's exactly what happened... Once you're actively improving yourself and looking in the right places, you need to have good evaluation criteria... I've been thinking about this for years and have come up with numerous questions that I think anyone should ask when considering whether to marry someone. I've boiled them down to a dozen, listed in rough order of importance... - Are they a warm, kind, and good-hearted person, both toward you and others? Do they have a mean bone in their body? How do they treat people like employees, waiters, and taxi drivers? Do children and dogs like them? This is so important – and it's so easy to be fooled because, of course, the person you're dating is going to be on their best behavior around you. That's why it's critical to watch how they treat others, especially those they don't perceive to be peers. Children and dogs are often much better judges of character than you are! - If you weren't romantically interested in each other, would you be close friends? Do you make each other better? Over time, when the passion and romance aren't so intense, there had better be a solid foundation of friendship, or you're in trouble. You want to be with someone who gives you frank feedback and smooths your rough edges – as Susan regularly does with me! - Do they have high integrity? Are they a stable, solid, predictable person who you can count on 100%? Do you trust them completely? Are there any issues with anger management, violence, narcissism, alcohol, or drugs? There can be no compromise in this area. If you don't trust someone with your life – if you're not 100,000% certain that they would never cheat on you or knowingly hurt you, directly or indirectly, in any way – then run! If you find yourself rationalizing, "Well, he's great most of the time, but sometimes when he's had too much to drink..." – run! One of my friends who's dated a lot of people told me that many of them can't "relax and be themselves" until they've had a number of drinks. If you observe this, run! - Do you share core values, e.g., self-improvement, giving back/philanthropy, meritocracy, humility, life balance, spirituality, thinking before acting, looking for win-win solutions? Every person's list here will be different. I thought about adding "political views," but you'll have to decide that for yourself. - Are they intelligent and intellectually curious? Do you find them interesting? This isn't code for "did they attend an elite college?" My dad is from a prominent family in Connecticut and went to a private high school before attending Yale, while my mom is the daughter of a Seattle fireman and went to public schools all the way through the University of Washington. So what? They're both smart, intellectually curious, and interesting – and have been happily married for more than 60 years! --------------------------------------------------------------- Recommended Link: [The 'EVERYTHING CHIP']( A new industry is being built around an "everything chip"... that's more sophisticated than the chips in your smartphone or laptop. One little-known company is at the forefront of this technology, and the man CNBC nicknamed "The Prophet" says this company will be "America's Next Big Monopoly." Best of all, you can buy this stock for less than $10. It's no wonder the smart money, like Cathie Wood and Bill Gates, has already invested over $350 million. [Click here for the full story](. --------------------------------------------------------------- - Do they like to do fun things and have a zest for life? Are they a happy and optimistic person? Do they have a good sense of humor and make you laugh? There are so many people who look great on paper – they're nice, went to a good school, have a solid job, etc. – but are just, well... boring. You don't want to be married to someone like that unless that's what you're looking for, of course! - Do they have a strong work ethic and a purpose? Initially, this question was "do they have a good job or career?" but I changed it because some people choose to do things like write books, raise kids, or do volunteer work – and they're very happy and are wonderful spouses. The point of this question is that if you're a driven person and your spouse is a lump, your marriage isn't likely to last. - Do they come from a stable family? Do you want to spend time with them (because you will!)? The first part of the question here is tricky because it seems unfair to hold it against someone if they happen to come from a messed up family. But I'll be honest: I'd rather see my daughters marry guys whose families are similar to ours – filled with deep, long-term, loving relationships. - Do your friends and family like them? Similar to the dogs and children question, someone may be able to fool you... but they're unlikely to be able to fool all of your friends and family. Ask people close to you what they think – and listen carefully! - Do they have similar views on big issues such as where to live, children (how many, what religion, how will child-rearing duties be split), whether one of you will stop or cut back on working to raise the kids, and finances (spending habits, lifestyle, debt, the importance of having a lot of money)? Will they be a good parent? As your relationship deepens, you'll want to think about these things – and have some conversations about them, however difficult that might be. Regarding religion, I remember on my first date with my wife, I told her we could raise our kids Jewish. It was certainly premature – I said it with a smile – but it's a critical conversation to have if you and your potential spouse are from different religions. (I wasn't raised religious, so it wasn't a sacrifice for me – and I'm delighted that my daughters are Jewish, as I fully embrace the values of the religion.) Another huge issue is balancing both of your careers with the demands of raising a family. A lot of guys have the sexist assumption that their wives will sacrifice their careers once kids come along, which can lead to anger, resentment, and, eventually, divorce. - Have they had long-term relationships in the past? How have they ended? What would previous boyfriends or girlfriends say about them? When deciding whether to raise children and spend the rest of your life with someone, you should be less concerned with how someone is 99% of the time than with how their worst 1% looks like. Observing or talking to ex-partners is a good place to start. - Do you think they're attractive, and do you have a wild, passionate sex life? A good sex life is an important element of a healthy marriage, but I have deliberately listed this as the last and least important question in part because so many young people seem to put it first. I know a number of guys who are trapped in miserable marriages with women who are mean, shallow, or otherwise unpleasant – but, boy, were they hot and sexy when they were younger! To quote the old adage, these guys let their little heads think for their big ones... and have been paying a big price ever since. I am not saying that you need a perfect answer to every one of these questions... Every person might have a slightly different set of questions, prioritize them differently, and think differentl[]y about what flaws can be overlooked. For example, can you live with someone who occasionally smokes marijuana? Or has very different political beliefs? Or spends money more freely than you? What if you want to raise the kids in your faith, but your potential spouse wants to let them decide for themselves? There are no easy answers to questions like this. A guy I met once asked me an interesting question: Once you've gone on a few dates with someone you like, is there a way to accelerate finding the answers to the 12 questions? The cost of waiting when the answer ends up being "no" is that you've lost time you could have spent looking for the right partner. One strategy I've heard of is going on camping trips together early in a relationship, where something inevitably goes wrong, and you can see how the other person reacts. Here was my reply: I would worry less about how much time it takes to really get to know someone, and more about staying with someone you know isn't right, out of inertia or "he/she is really nice" or "wow, the sex is great." Worse yet, if you let it drag on long enough, you might just marry this wrong person – I've seen it happen. So keep in mind what Microsoft (MSFT) co-founder Bill Gates once said of employees: "Hire slowly, fire quickly." Another friend asked if I thought the decision to marry someone should be based on my 12 questions or on gut instinct... I think both. Any relationship has to start with genuine, emotional attraction. Don't even think about my 12 questions until the relationship becomes more serious and you're asking yourself, "Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?" But then, be sure to ask these questions because it might help you avoid a terrible mistake. Someone close to me is twice divorced – and both times, I'm convinced that, had she had this list, she wouldn't have married either dud. Sometimes the smartest people make the dumbest decisions when it comes to matters of the heart. That said, once you've asked – and, more important, honestly answered – the questions, then what do you do? Let's say you assign each question a score of one, one-half, or zero. If you give the person you're dating a score of eight, that's clearly not good enough – keep looking. On the other hand, you're likely to never get married if you hold out for a perfect 12. But what if your score is 10 – is that good enough? I can't answer that for you. Ultimately, the final decision is yours – and one of the heart, not the head. But don't make a quick decision or rush into anything. This is a decision you must get right, so be careful, take your time, and don't compromise. Nobody is perfect, but if you're not 99% certain that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, then wait, collect more information, and do more thinking. When I first published my 12 questions a while ago, I got quite a bit of feedback from my readers... - "Whitney, I wish I would have had these 50 years ago. Sadly, I lived in a dysfunctional marriage for 47 years before I finally took my own advice (I was a marriage counselor for 35 years). Two and a half years of expensive, emotionally draining, and psychologically debilitating experiences resulted in dissolution yesterday, 17 days before our 50th anniversary. "I have received two years of therapy myself and am a new person today. I've met a beautiful person in which we have discussed the 12 questions extensively. We have been camping several times and are proceeding carefully for both of us, evaluating our past baggage and our hopes for tomorrow. "I've read your book and loved it. Preach it from the rooftops and to all those students you speak to regularly. All the money in the world doesn't help (actually hinders) a bad relationship. "Thank you for your newsletters and life story." – Roger S. - "Whitney, I appreciated the newsletter today and your thought-provoking questions about marriage. My wife and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and my son just got married a month ago. My wife and I have had our challenges as any married couple will inevitably have but I can say we have had a very happy marriage and partnership but I think we got mostly lucky because while we asked questions of each other, I think we allowed our emotions to take over a little too early in the relationship. Fortunately, our goals are mostly aligned really well. I think it's so important to ask the type of questions you suggest while the emotional attachment isn't to the point that you couldn't walk away. I've shared your questions with my other kids." – John R. - "Thanks for promoting strong marriages, I believe that a society is only as strong as its families and that begins with a strong marriage!" – Mark O. - "Both my sons are thinking [about] marriage with their girlfriends. I sent this to them. Great stuff and good timing. Blessings to you and thanks." – Rex W. Best regards, Whitney Tilson December 29, 2022 --------------------------------------------------------------- If someone forwarded you this e-mail and you would like to be added to the Empire Financial Daily e-mail list to receive e-mails like this every weekday, simply [sign up here](. © 2022 Empire Financial Research. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, copying, or redistribution, in whole or in part, is prohibited without written permission from Empire Financial Research, 380 Lexington Ave., 4th Floor, New York, NY 10168 [www.empirefinancialresearch.com.]( You received this e-mail because you are subscribed to Empire Financial Daily. [Unsubscribe from all future e-mails](