â The terms behind my BEST partnership â Hey Contrarians, A partnership can be really, really powerful. Also REALLY hard. Itâs true for business relationships â and even truer for marriages. They say every partnership should begin with the end in mind, but Iâve learned thereâs a little more to it than that⦠â
Today in 10 minutes or less, you'll learn: âï¸ Financial dangers of the D-word âï¸ âTil death do us partâ means something must die⦠âï¸ 12 rules I follow for a better marriage â
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financial dangers of the D-word Fun fact: The average wedding in the US costs $30,000 per couple according to [this]() 2022 study. How about the cost of [divorce](? Median is $7k, average is $15k, and contested divorces with lots of issues run up closer to $100k+. Children with divorced parents are [twice](=) as likely to drop out of high school. Teenagers whose parents divorce are more likely to experience mental health issues. â Listen, though. I get it. I went through a divorce. Iâm not shaming anyone, sometimes sh*t happens. BUT itâs a lot of cash and strain. I started thinking about marriage and why I think not only is divorce worth avoiding generally but itâs also awful for your finances. So letâs tackle some ideas to help you continue to say, âI do.â â
âTil death do us partâ means something must die⦠Flashback: Iâm married to a handsome man, with a beautiful house, country club, fancy cars, and friends who look like theyâre on the Real Housewives. But tonight, Iâm walking into the living room as the sun sets to break the heart of the man I promised forever. Heâs far from perfect, but Iâm sure I was too. Besides, in this moment, all I feel is agony. I speak softly, âItâs not working.â Deep breath. âI want a divorce, and⦠Iâm moving out tonight.â As soon as the words leave my mouth, I see all 6ft 210lbs of him crumple to the ground, sobbing. It is an awful thing to watch someone strong break. I have never felt greater guilt and shame than in that moment. With eyes so blurry I can barely see, I leave empty-handed out the front door of the âhouseâ I just finished decorating into a home. I spent the night sleepless and alone. When I told my mother, she also cried. Tears, thatâs all I had to give. I never shared all the hardness in that marriage, it was my burden to carry. But I also didnât quite realize that moment would change my life forever. I left a man, a city, all my things and eventually a career Iâd spent more than a decade building. I had to lose everything â including the person I was â to become the person I wanted. Some cliches are true, deals are easy to get into but damn hard to get out of. Today: Things look a little different. Iâm remarried to a man who is disgustingly perfect for me. Donât tell him, but the best thing about my life is the partnership I have with my husband. Itâs far from perfect, yet damn is it delicious for us. I wrote a letter to myself of the rules I thought kept us in love and in marriage. Itâs a reminder for me and maybe helpful for you. â
12 rules I follow for a better marriage Rule #1: Shared goals Bruce Paltrow put it best. When asked how he and his wife stayed together so long, he famously said: âWe never wanted to get divorced⦠at the same time.â â Rule #2: Never ever use the D-word We have a list of off-the-table words: - Hate.
- Divorce.
- Leaving. Those three. Theyâre just not an option. Because when you let them out just a little bit, they take over the place. We chose each other. That means (hopefully) till death do us part. â Rule #3: TEAM â Maybe youâve heard about our [regular check-in](). Itâs our daily practice to make sure we connect, get things off our chests, and remind each other why we chose one another. Itâs a lifesaver to ensure your day doesnât become constant nagging. We (maybe like you) were incredibly busy, with tanks on E, and not enough time for each other. This takes just 10 minutes a night: T - Touch. Hold hands, sit next to each other on the couch. Remind yourselves with touch you're in this together. (Sidenote: When Chris and I are mad at each other we jokingly barely touch one fingertip like ET.) E- Education. You each share one thing you learned that day that was interesting. A fact. A hard truth. Whatever. It's a chance for novelty and endorphins by expanding our brains. A - Appreciation. You each share one thing you appreciate about the other. Could be how beautiful your partner looks that day. If you're ticked, it could be that they took out the trash. Only rules are points for creativity and you can't keep using the same one. M - Metrics. Here's the tough part. Usually when you're upset, you tell them in the moment. That gets naggy 321 times a day. With the check-in, you wait or write it down and bring it to this time. It means you don't fight when elevated but you always get to explain your point. Metrics was huge for us. We let cooler heads prevail, now we kind of treasure our check-in. â Rule #4: Us vs The World Chris is especially good at siding with me. He jokes he likes to âchoose sides.â I had to learn this a bit more. But now whenever we do something for each other or need to choose a side we just say, âSame team.â Itâs a reminder that itâs us against âem all. â Rule #5: Use safe words Not that kind (my Dad reads this, you nasties). Couples always compromise and go to the in-law's event, or the company meeting, or the friendâs wedding. Thereâs a societal expectation that your significant other has to like and want to do everything you do. Throw that away. Once we gave each other permission to bail, we got a lot happier. We have a safe word, and when weâre really done with something we slip it into conversation (ahem, pufferfish), and it means we bail as a couple. Remember, same team. â Rule #6: Get a pro I like coaches. I hate wasting time when I can steal someone elseâs 10,000 hours. Chris is the same. So we've always had marriage therapists. Men: you could really learn something here. Chris is a dudeâs dude, but he's all-in on therapy because it makes us stronger not weaker. Get a pro, steal their homework. â Rule #7: Two-Week Rule Weâll never go two weeks without seeing each other. With our schedules, that can be tough. But itâs the rule. That means we usually travel together, work together, workout together. He is my person, and we want to experience life together. If you donât, youâre like two petri dishes with different inputs. You grow differently. We want to grow together. â Rule #8: Love language The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This woo-woo book is real. Chris likes acts of service, I like physical touch. Read the book and try to not Do Unto Others As You Would Like, but instead do unto them as THEY would like. Small but big difference. â Rule #9: In the trenches Thereâs a saying that people in the military say: âWeâve been in the trenches together.â Meaning youâve been through difficulty together, and that trial strengthens bonds. Itâs the same with marriage, so at least once a year we do something really f-ing hard together. Build a business. Try to have a kid. Climb a mountain. Iron sharpens iron. â Rule #10: Keep it safe, keep it secret You wonât find us saying things like âthe olâ ball and chain,â or âugh, my husband did xyz.â We keep it safe, we keep it secret. There will be problems, but talking to others about it does nothing but allow others into your marriage. No parents, no friends, weâre not into physical or mental polyamory thank you very much. â Rule #11: Temperature gauge One therapist taught us something really cool. She called it our temperature gauge. You know how when you start feeling triggered, you can feel it in your body? Your chest tightens, or you grind your jaw, or wrinkle your nose, or start to feel hot, or want to escape? All signs youâre getting elevated. Weâve been learning how to notice them and then say simply, âHey, I feel myself getting a little amped, can I calm down and we can circle back?â You take the blame, then your partner gets a willing audience on the back end. â Last rule: Who the f*ck knows. Weâre just doing our best. Weâve been together for 6 years, and known each other for 23 years. But I look at my grandparents and think, thatâs the blink of an eye. Letâs all check back in when weâre 80 and see how weâre doing then. Fingers crossed, eh? ð --------------------------------------------------------------- Try it. A marriage done well is a superpower. (Also â you could just do it for the [insurance benefits](? Or as our friends like to joke, I just married Chris for his veteran benefits.) â
We donât have to, we get to.
â - Codie â â âï¸ Would you rather pay $20k in legal fees, or settle things [Medieval-style](? ðµ Know how much cash on-hand your biz has? Berkshire's got over [$147B](=)â ðï¸ [4 out of 5]() Americans believe itâs a bad time to buy a house. Agree? ð Some [serious innovation](=) happening at Apple. Not that it [matters](=)â â ï¸ âWorst things to hear from a CEO,â brought to us by [WeWork]()â â
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