My latest time-to-get-in-shape campaign

Nothing against dogs–love dogs. But dog owners? Not so much. [READER]( As part of my latest time-to-get-in-shape campaign, I was in the park running. Though you can’t accurately call what I do running. More like waddling. To anyone who sees me, I resemble a penguin. But in my mind, I’ve got the long, fluid strides of the great Abebe Bikila, the Ethiopian gold medal marathoner. Ran barefoot. Except my strides aren’t long or fluid. And I’m not Ethiopian. Never ran in the Olympics. Also, I don’t run barefoot. Other than that, you couldn’t tell the difference between me and the great Bikila if you saw us in a police lineup. Anyway, I was running in the park along the lake. When out of the corner of my eye, I see a golden retriever, bounding my way with infinite enthusiasm. He’s coming fast. Like Silver—the Lone Ranger’s horse. And beyond the dog, I saw the owner. Some yuppie guy in a North Face fleece jacket. He’s whistling. As though that’s the command that will stop the dog. But the dog keeps coming. So, the yuppie guy starts yelling— “Fred! Fred!” Clearly, the dog’s named Fred. Though Fred shows no more signs of responding to the calling of his name than he did to the whistle. And then . . . Bam, Fred crashes into my legs—like he’s Brian Urlacher, making an open field tackle. Obviously, I have to stop. Outside I looked perturbed. Like I’m peeved that I, the great Bikila, had to stop. Inside I’m thinking—man, thank goodness for the break. Fred’s jumping on me, tail wagging. At least, he’s having fun. Yuppie guy ran up, pulled Fred off of me and said . . . “I’ve never seen him do this before.” As though it’s my fault. Like I did something to bring it on. That’s when I concluded . . . Nothing against dogs–love dogs. But dog owners? Not so much. On a tangent, it’s comments like this that will keep me off the bench. Think about it. Say Clarence Thomas retires. And President Biden says to himself—”You know, I think I’m gonna nominate that old hippie guy from the Reader.” I know, it’s a long shot, but stay with me. At my senate confirmation hearing, Ted Cruz would be grilling me about hating dogs. And I’d be going—"No, no, I love dogs. It’s the owners." Too late. I wouldn’t get any Republican votes. I’d say I’d be nominated with Vice President Kamala Harris breaking the 50-50 tie, but upon reflection, I’m not sure Joe Manchin would vote for me. On another tangent, it seems to me there’s been an uptick in dogs running off the leash in the park. I blame this phenomenon on Quentin Tarantino. In his movie, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, the Brad Pitt character has his dog under complete command. All Brad Pitt has to do is make a clicking sound, and the dog does whatever it is Brad Pitt wants him to do. Including attacking bad guys with guns. In fact, I’d say that yuppie guys in the park are to Brad Pitt what I am to the great Abebe Bikila. In their minds, they are he. Anyway, yuppie guy puts Fred on a leash and drags him away. And with that I went back to jogging. Or plodding—like a plow horse. Oh, man, getting in shape is tough. 🗣️ Have you checked out our newest merch in the Reader Store? Show some love to our Executive Assistant Sandra, modeling one of our exclusive sweatshirts! She stays busy and stylish at the Reader office. [Shop now!]( 👇 The Marrow of Tradition by Charles W. Chesnutt. Great novel–written in 1900, and way ahead of its time. Based on a true story about white supremicists in Wilmington, North Carolina, who killed the Black leaders of Wilmington in an insurrection to return the town to white rule. Kelly Garcia—[Farewell to the A.V. Club]( [Ben Joravsky]( casino comes to Chicago, get ready to be bamboozled [Anat Shenker-Osorio]( to win by” or how Dems can more effectively shape their message [Sergio Vicente]( Covington, Will Smith, and Chris Rock [The Week that Was]( pulls a Willie” Listen to [The Ben Joravsky Show]( [Chicago’s Huntsmen delve deeper into their lush metal storytelling on The Dying Pines]( by [Monica Kendrick]( [At the Siskel Center, Rogers Park is Tuesday’s star]( Despite countless delays, local director Michael Glover Smith’s film Relative is finally becoming reality. by [Catey Sullivan]( [Issue of March 31 - April 13, 2022 Vol. 51, No.]( [Download Issue]( [View this e-mail as a web page]( [@chicago_reader]( [/chicagoreader]( [@chicago_reader]( [Chicago Reader on LinkedIn]( [/chicagoreader]( [chicagoreader.com]( [Forward this e-mail to a friend](. Want to change how you receive these e-mails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. Copyright © 2022 Chicago Reader, All rights reserved. Our mailing address is: Chicago Reader, 2930 S. Michigan Ave., Suite 102, Chicago, IL 60616