Ben's Bears Conversation Cheat Sheet

Made especially for the sports-oblivious. [READER]( Out of pity for the sports-oblivious, I’m here to tell you that the collective gasp you may have heard late Sunday night was the sound of Bears fans sobbing. Yes, sports-oblivious, the Bears began their season with another pitiable performance that was pathetic even by Bears standards. I realize Bears fans can’t believe there are people in Chicago who do not know the outcome of the opener—much less that it even happened. That’s because most Bears fans live among other Bears fans. I have spent much of my life in the company of the clueless, who have magically sealed their brains from incoming sports information with a Star Wars-like laser system that’s positioned behind their ears. [[Illustration of Ben Joravsky]]( It works like this . . . As sports information comes in (like the Bears losing the opener 34-14 to the Rams), the laser deploys a heat-seeking missile that eviscerates the incoming details. And, so, the sports-oblivious will remain as oblivious to the details as they were before the game began. Of course, some sports-oblivious people may feel pressure at their job or out with friends to get through a conversation about the Bears. Fear not. I will provide this cheat sheet—all you need to know about the Bears so far this season. So the first thing you need to know is . . . The Bears suck. And they suck mainly cause their quarterback is awful. His name is Dalton. Andy Dalton. But if you just call him by his last name, every Bears fan will know who you’re talking about. Believe me. Also, he has red hair. So feel free to call him “the Red Head,” if that’s easier to remember than Dalton. If you’re at a party and someone starts complaining about Dalton, say . . . “I know. Why won’t Nagy start the rookie?” The rookie’s name is Fields. But feel free to call him "the rookie." Again, every Bears fan will know who you’re talking about. Okay, let’s practice that line: “Why won’t Nagy start the rookie?” Very good. At which point, the person you’re talking to will say: “How can they start the rookie when the offensive line sucks? He’ll get killed.” Don’t panic. Here’s all you need to know about that sentence . . . The offensive line is that group of big men who protect the quarterback from being pummeled by the big men on the opposing team who compose the defensive line. The Bears offensive line may even be worse than the Red Head. Which means if they put the rookie into the game, he will get annihilated. At this point, you should say: “You’d think Ryan Pace would know enough to draft a decent offensive line.” Throw in an F-bomb or two as a modifier, if you’d like. Then groan. And shake your head. Then say, “Can you believe Peters was retired when Pace signed him. He was freaking fishing!” Oh, my goodness, the person you’re talking to will be so impressed that you know 1.) who Peters is; 2.) he was retired when the Bears signed him; and 3.) he was fishing when the Bears recruiting call came in. Then say: “If they don’t beat Cincinnati this weekend, I’m through with them. And this time I really mean it!” If you say all this, you’re qualified to have a conversation about the Bears in any bar in town. Hell, you’re ready to call in to a sports talk show. Hey, nobody said this was rocket science. [Ben Joravsky [signature]]( [Adam M. 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