How to watch scary movies as a scaredy-cat

I’m not sure why, but I plan to watch Candyman, the super-scary remake of the movie from way back when. [READER]( I’m not sure why, but I plan to watch [Candyman]( the super scary remake of the movie from way back when. The crazy thing is . . . I love the idea of watching scary movies. But I don’t really like watching them. Cause I’m basically a scaredy cat and I get too scared. So, over the years I’ve devised several sure-fire ways to watch a scary movie without getting scared—which I will now share with you as sort of a public service kind of thing. Here goes . . . The first technique is one I employed while watching the original Candyman. As I recall, I rented it from a video store years after it came out. But I was so scared I was afraid to look.[[Illustration of Ben Joravsky]]( If you haven’t seen it, it’s about this monster named Candyman who comes out of the walls to kill people by ripping them up with the rusty hook he has instead of a hand. That’s scary in and of itself, but it also has this super eerie soundtrack that really freaked the hell out of me. So, what I did was, I turned off the sound and put on the subtitles. That way I knew what was going on, but I didn't hear that eerie soundtrack. You’d be surprised how easy it is to watch a scary movie if you can’t hear the super scary soundtrack, even if it features a monster with a rusty hook for a hand. But then my wife walked into the living room, sat on the couch, and said: "How can you watch a movie without sound?" "Don't touch—" Too late! She's turned the sound on. As you can see, this technique only really works if you’re watching the movie alone. Another way to watch a scary movie without getting scared is to actually not watch the movie. I employed this technique years ago when my wife and I saw Silence of the Lambs. The serial killer had this girl trapped at the bottom of this deep dark well. The girl was going, "Help, get me out of the well…” And that's when I said—enough of this shit! And I got up and went into the next theater. Wound up watching the final minutes of this Steve Seagal flick. That movie was awful. But at least I wasn’t scared. My final suggestion is one I’ve employed for as long as I can remember. And it works at home or in a movie theater. What you do is . . . You close your eyes, cover your ears, and hum during the really scary parts. Like this—hmmmm. I’ve been known to do that for up to ten minutes at a time. In fact, if Candyman is half as scary as the critics say it is, I’ll probably be doing that for most of the movie. Hope that helps. See ya’ at Candyman . . . [Ben Joravsky [signature]]( [Mike Sula]( on eating Malaysian with Kedai Tapao [Deanna Isaacs]( on Ravinia’s Music Box [Ben Joravsky]( on Teflon Rahm’s nomination as ambassador to Japan [David Faris]( on Afghanistan [Fritz Kaegi]( on property taxes [Rummana Hussain]( on The White Lotus [The Ben Joravsky Show]( [Listen to The Ben Joravsky Show]( [Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]( Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings is quite possibly Marvel’s best film yet. by [Josh Flanders]( [Full (micropenis) disclosure]( The anal placebo effect, a very hairy husband, and more quickies By [Dan Savage]( [On their debut album, Chicago’s Tobacco City get to the roots of their wistful country]( by [Leor Galil]( [Bnny make David Lynch-ian pop music for mourning]( by [Noah Berlatsky]( [Issue of Aug 19 - Sept 1, 2021 Vol. 50, No. 24]( [Download Issue]( (PDF) 1971 Chicagoans have relied on the Reader for trusted alternative coverage of our city. The Chicago Reader is now a 501c3 nonprofit organization which means our survival is in your hands. In order to continue to be your trusted alternative voice of Chicago, we need your help. If you can donate just $5 today, we can show the world that community funded, independent journalism is the future. [DONATE TODAY!]( [View this e-mail as a web page]( [@chicago_reader]( [/chicagoreader]( [@chicago_reader]( [Chicago Reader on LinkedIn]( [/chicagoreader]( [chicagoreader.com]( [Forward this e-mail to a friend](. Want to change how you receive these e-mails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. Copyright © 2021 Chicago Reader, All rights reserved. Our mailing address is: Chicago Reader, 2930 S. Michigan Ave., Suite 102, Chicago, IL 60616