How to self-destruct like Kevin McCarthy — in 7 easy steps!

Plus: Giant pandas, Temu's rise and more. [Bloomberg]( This is Bloomberg Opinion Today, a cultural ambassador of Bloomberg Opinion’s opinions. [Sign up here](. Today’s Agenda - Kevin McCarthy gets [the boot](. - Giant pandas are [en route](. - Temu is no Amazon [substitute](. - Students skip the school [commute](. Self-Sabotage 101 Soooo what does Kevin McCarthy do now now? Last night, the 55th speaker of the House was fired from his position after his Republican colleague Matt Gaetz exercised a little-known procedure that hadn’t been used in more than a century. Personally, I think McCarthy could have a lucrative side-hustle as a MasterClass instructor: Illustration: Jessica Karl Ever find yourself wanting to crash and burn in front of an entire nation?! Here’s what to do: - Tip #1: Make a lot of wild [concessions]( to a small group of radical people. It’s okay if the concessions contradict each other — that’ll make your tenure even more [delulu]( and dysfunctional. - Tip #2: Work with the opposing party to [keep]( the government running. Some of the radicals won’t be happy about it, but oh well. - Tip #3: Even though Congress is supposed to be on [recess](, call everyone back! - Tip #4: In the unlikely event that [one]( of the radicals launches a motion for you to vacate the chair, just waive the 48-hour rule and hold the vote immediately. No time like the present! - Tip #5: Always expect your enemies to [bail you out](, even if you bash them on TV all the time. They helped you avert a government shutdown! Surely, they’ll have your back again. - Tip #6: Don’t think too much! And [don’t bother]( offering anything to convince people to save your skin. - Tip #7: Watch the dumpster fire ignite! [This]( is your personal demise — enjoy [the humiliation](. You’ve earned it. Your hands will be tied the entire time! Illustration: Jessica Karl McCarthy followed that formula to a tee, and it ended up costing him everything. “The vote was a stunning display of just how broken and dysfunctional the system has become,” Jonathan Bernstein [writes](. It’s the first time in history that a sitting speaker — the third person in line to be the president — has been removed by a vote. After the tallies were counted, McCarthy told his fellow Republicans that he’s not going to give the speakership another go … which, good riddance. It took him 15 attempts to win the job back in January — 13 more attempts than I needed to get my driver’s permit in high school (wink, wink). [Patrick McHenry]( of North Carolina is now the temporary head of the House of Representatives, but he doesn’t have the same powers as a normal speaker. This puts Republicans in a procedural hell-loop until they can agree on a replacement. It’s rather unfortunate timing, considering the dreaded [shutdown]( still looms. Nobody’s sure who’s going to fill the [vacancy](. It could be anyone, really, since the Constitution doesn’t require the speaker to be a member of Congress. Already, some rather unconventional names are swirling around: [Arnold Schwarzenegger](! [Billie Eilish](! [Dolly Parton](! Even former President [Donald Trump](. He says he’s down to clown if he gets nominated, although it’s [not looking]( like that’d be legal, given his numerous indictments. McCarthy’s class in self-destruction may be over, but the dysfunction within the Republican party will certainly endure. [Pandas]( on a Plane First class. AI-generated image: Canva First there were [snakes]( on a plane. Then [falcons]( on a plane. And now [pandas]( on a plane??! In case you haven’t heard, China is in the process of ending all of its contracts to house giant pandas in zoos across the US, from Memphis to San Diego. The National Zoo in Washington is next, with three giant pandas [scheduled to return to China]( in early December. And the last batch of furry diplomats, currently housed in Atlanta, will leave next year. “There are no agreements to replace any of the animals, which means the US will soon be [panda-free]( for the first time in 50 years,” Bobby Ghosh [writes](. “Panda diplomacy” has been around since the mid-1980s, operating as a pretty profitable side-hustle for China. Leasing the black-and-white bears to foreign zoos — in the name of [conservation]( — has generated the country schmillions of dollars over the decades, but now that the animals are no longer on the [endangered species list](, times are a-changing. Recently, “Chinese officials began to [question the treatment of pandas in US zoos](, stoking anti-American hysteria as relations between the countries deteriorated. Bringing home the bears — ‘[China’s national treasure,](’ in the words of a foreign ministry spokesperson — will undoubtedly be promoted as an expression of patriotic pride,” Bobby explains. He, for one, is happy that the pandas are flying back to Beijing. “This should allow us all to finally drop the pretense that the pandas have been serving as cultural ambassadors, helping to improve China’s image in the West,” he writes. They’re just pandas! And some of them aren’t even that [cute](. Learn more about the pandamonium [here](. Temu Is Weird Have you heard of Temu? Maybe you recall the Chinese shopping app’s Super Bowl ad, which [promised customers]( they could “shop like a billionaire.” But the thing is, I’ve never heard of a billionaire buying [a human-sized tortilla]( or [a harness]( for their pet goose. If you’ve never downloaded it, it’s basically like [Oriental Trading]( on steroids. Here’s some screengrabs to give you a sense of how unhinged the app can be: “Temu provides all the elements of a viral shopping app: a constant stream of products across more than 200 categories, the prices of a fast fashion retailer and a game-like user experience that could be mistaken for [something from Minecraft](,” Leticia Miranda [writes](. Because of this, some people say Temu is destined to become an [Amazon killer](, but the prices are so cheap and the products are so flammable that it feels infinitesimally more sketchy than Amazon. Instead, it’s dollar stores that should watch out for competition: “With its rock bottom prices, Temu throws a wrench into the promotion strategies that dollar stores use to retain shoppers. Dollar stores are cheap, but Temu is cheaper,” Leticia explains. Read the [whole thing](. Telltale Charts Well, this is not good at all: “By every measure, US students are missing huge amounts of school,” Bloomberg’s editorial board [writes](. Over a quarter of kids in the US were “chronically” absent — meaning they missed at least 10% of the time — during the 2021-2022 school year. “ The problem is most acute in urban public school districts: Chronic absenteeism topped 40% in New York City, Los Angeles and Chicago; in Detroit, the rate was 77%,” the editors say. It’s a problem that is devastating for students and demands action from school districts. [Here’s]( a new JPEG for you to add to the Horror Chart Porn folder on your desktop (I know you have one). “This is how the Nasdaq-100 has fared so far this year, compared with how the Dow Industrials did from the beginning of 1987. This is normalized; there’s no trickery with double scales or anything,” John Authers writes. Of course, 1987 wasn’t just any old year. It was the year of Black Monday, when the stock market tanked by 20%. Obviously, do not go trying to make money off this chart. It in no way proves that the Nasdaq will crash next Monday. “Starting points for these charts are arbitrary, and all other conditions may not be the same,” John explains. But still, it’s pretty spooky: Further Reading Poland’s ban on Ukraine’s [grain exports]( makes Vladimir Putin smile. — Bloomberg’s editorial board Hey, I’m actually enjoying Michael Lewis’ [book]( about Sam Bankman-Fried. — Matt Levine The exhausting [net neutrality]( debate has risen from the dead. — Dave Lee There’s no such thing as a [cautious portfolio]( these days. — Merryn Somerset Webb When baseball teams give most of their payroll to a [handful of big names](, they tend to lose. — Adam Minter Stock and bond markets continue to be [flummoxed]( by US job openings. — Jonathan Levin Forget Teslas, everyone wants to ride a [motorcycle]( to work . — Tim Culpan [$100-a-barrel oil]( won’t just raise energy prices — it would turbocharge the dollar, too. — Javier Blas ICYMI The 2030 World Cup has a bunch of [hosts](. Prada is [teaming up]( with NASA. Pope Francis is [mad]( at the US. Health care workers are [on strike](. Kickers Cats can [fluoresce](. Okra isn’t okra without [the slime](. It’s not just you: Your work wardrobe [smells bad](. Credit card point freaks are [ruining]( concerts. [Invest]( in Shrek and buy stocks in the same place! Who has room in their freezer for [this]( advent calendar? Notes: Please send a second freezer and feedback to Jessica Karl at jkarl9@bloomberg.net. [Sign up here]( and follow us on [Threads](, [TikTok](, [Twitter](, [Instagram]( and [Facebook](. Follow Us Like getting this newsletter? [Subscribe to Bloomberg.com]( for unlimited access to trusted, data-driven journalism and subscriber-only insights. Before it’s here, it’s on the Bloomberg Terminal. Find out more about how the Terminal delivers information and analysis that financial professionals can’t find anywhere else. [Learn more](. Want to sponsor this newsletter? [Get in touch here](. 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