Crypto bros find there’s a new sheriff in town: the SEC

Plus: Wildfire smoke in NYC, sugar inflation and more. Bloomberg This is Bloomberg Opinion Today, an unlicensed securities exchange of Bloomberg Opinion’s opinions. [Sign up here](. Today’s Agenda Nothing is sacred anymore ... - Not [crypto](. - Not [candy](. - Not even [the air]( we breathe. A Bad Day for Bros I wonder if there’s someone at the Securities and Exchange Commission who read Matt Levine’s [March 27 column]( where he said “a decent rule of thumb is that all cryptocurrency exchanges are doing crimes,” and forwarded it to all of his colleagues like, “Hey, guys, we better get on this …” Anyway: On Monday, the SEC filled 136 pages — god bless the intern who had to print that — with [complaints against Binance for deceiving its customers]( and wrongly operating as an unregistered exchange, among other things. A lot of the pages are filled with “internal chats that would make a pre-2008 Libor trader blush,” Lionel Laurent writes, including this gem of a quote from Binance’s — and I kid you not — compliance officer: On Tuesday, the SEC decided to [double down and sue Coinbase]( for allegedly breaking a bunch of securities rules. More than [a third of the crypto exchange’s revenue]( might be on the chopping block as a result. Lionel says [both episodes put crypto]( and all of its machinations in mortal peril: Of course, cypto bros are dead set on this being an SEC witch hunt, with Binance [arguing]( that it’s merely an “easy target” within the “regulatory tug-of-war.” Matt says the key to proving that may lie in the answer to [this question](: “Is the SEC suing Coinbase and Binance for being crypto exchanges, or for being bad crypto exchanges? Is the claim here ‘you let people trade crypto, which we think is illegal,’ or is it ‘you let people trade crypto and steal their money’?” Coinbase seems to be a by-the-book crypto exchange: They do their homework. They wash the dishes. They make their bed without getting asked to do so. “I hesitate to make any bold claims about any crypto actors, and I have been wrong before, but it is my impression that Coinbase does not steal the money,” Matt writes. Binance, on the other hand, is like Coinbase’s [rough-around-the-edges]( cousin. They do their homework the period before it's due. They wash the dishes but probably missed a few spots. They made their bed — but only after their mom asked. “It is notoriously opaque, headquartered nowhere, a web of confusing entities designed to avoid regulation,” Matt says. So, sure: The SEC might think that Coinbase is the lesser of two evils. Already, CEO Brian Armstrong [is on the defensive](, sharing [a banger of a clap-back video]( that claims Coinbase met with the SEC 30 times last year for guidance. But [there’s really no way]( that the “wild west-style crypto boom-and-bust cycle” that Lionel says “ruined lives and abetted crime” will be able to carry on like nothing has happened. The regulators have arrived, and they’re not fking around. O Canada, You Take My Breath Away If you live in New York City, it doesn’t matter what time of year it is: You’re checking the weather every single morning. No sane pedestrian wants to get caught off guard when Mother Nature randomly drops down golf-ball-sized [ice pellets]( in June or biblical buckets of [rain]( in August. So this morning when I checked my app to see if I should wear [soft pants]( or a [dress]( to work, I noticed the entire map was covered in a brick red film of smog, deemed “unhealthy” by the weather-deliverer gods: Turns out, we can [Blame Canada](! “Smoke from what will probably be [the busiest Canadian wildfire season ever](, with hundreds of blazes from Alberta in the west to Nova Scotia in the east, has been harming air quality across the US for weeks,” Mark Gongloff explains. I object for a multitude of reasons. For starters, my life is already pretty unhealthy (see: [how much time I spend on my phone]( and the fact that I ate three of these [Italian sandwiches]( this past weekend). But those are my choices — my carcinogens. Plus, summer in Manhattan is already rather unbearable — our skin gets practically fermented by subway cars with busted air conditioners, and our streets are doused in the putrid perfume of garbage. We really don’t need Canada to come in here and make matters worse, but here we are. Canada, once seen as a climate [savior](, has now had more than 8.2 million acres already burned, or 13 times more than usual for this time of year. In the future, Mark says, [1-percenters]( may be able to stave off the worst parts of climate change by erecting [fireproof abodes]( and [walls]( tall enough to withstand a storm surge. “They can even wear Bane-mask-like [Dyson Zones]( to filter air and noise,” he writes. But when combined with [Apple’s new headset]( (which Dave Lee has [thoughts]( about), the whole “suffocation chic” [lewk]( starts to get a little gauche: Source: Dyson, Apple; Illustration: Jessica Karl Even with ridiculous headpieces, the rich won’t be able to ignore “the universal effects of [a hotter planet](, from shrinking biodiversity to resource wars to refugee crises,” Mark says. Climate change has already infiltrated the air we breathe. It’s only a matter of time before it swallows us whole. Watermelon [Sugar]( High One of [the greatest TikToks of all time]( is a skit by London-based comedian Adrian Bliss. In it, he’s a cupcake, lined up behind several of his clones who are beers. And he’s waiting in a line to enter the hottest club of the human body: The stomach. There’s a bouncer, who tells the cupcake that the club is full: “Look mate, it’s been a big night ... You’ll have to go back the way you came in.” The cupcake turns around, defeated. But then the bouncer says, “Hang on … are you a dessert???” The cupcake says duh and then the bouncer immediately adopts a more cheerful disposition, telling the cupcake “right this way sir,” while pulling out a VIP curtain that says “DESSERT SECTION.” There is always a special spot in the stomach reserved for dessert. Having a sweet tooth is nothing to be ashamed of. But unfortunately, Chris Bryant says, having a sweetie after dinner is getting more expensive, especially for Europeans: [The cost of sugar is soaring](, and with it, the price tags of [fizzy drinks](, [Freddos]( and [Jammie Dodgers](: For years, sugar demand in Europe has been waning, thanks to a multitude of health warnings and “[donut tax](” proposals. But the closure of more than a dozen sugar factories, severe drought, increased fertilizer costs and an energy crunch have forced farmers, who use beets to extract sugar — to raise their prices. “Sugar makes other food inflation look tame — and far less sticky,” Chris writes. Andrea Felsted says much of the blame for “[greedflation](” [wrongly falls on grocery stores](. Some governments are even mulling an [intervention](. But perhaps they should turn instead to the manufacturers, who are swimming in profits. Last year, Europe’s largest sugar producer, Suedzucker, pocketed a sweet €230 million ($246.8 million) — its best result in nearly a decade. Is there a limit to the price that Europeans are willing pay to satiate their sweet tooth? Read [the whole, sugar-coated thing](. Further Reading America’s [long-term fiscal outlook]( is very unhealthy. — Bloomberg’s editorial board A [new school in Oklahoma]( attempts to tear down the church-state wall. — Noah Feldman A Black owner alone wouldn’t magically make [BET relevant again](. — Yuvay Ferguson Wait, are we in a [bull market or a bear rally](? — John Authers and Isabelle Lee Russia’s [attack on a dam in Ukraine]( is yet another war crime. — Andreas Kluth Xi Jinping can’t solve [China’s “Great Recession”]( with regulations. — Shuli Ren Some Gen Zers haven’t even begun to work, but [they want to retire already](. — Erin Lowry Wall Street is [great at ignoring]( the chaos that is American democracy. —Robert Burgess ICYMI [Syphilis]( is raging in the UK. The HRC declared a LGBTQ+ [state of emergency](. The PGA Tour [is merging]( with its Saudi-backed rival. George Santos can’t [hide the people]( who bailed him out. Boeing is warning of [a new plane defect](. Kickers The [dirtbag]( boys of TikTok. The weirdest [witch hunt]( you’ll ever see. [The lost lizard]( with the limbs of a T-rex. (h/t Andrea Felsted) The mystery of [the vanishing falcons](. The jokes of a [medieval minstrel](. Notes: Please send cupcakes and feedback to Jessica Karl at jkarl9@bloomberg.net. [Sign up here]( and follow us on [Instagram](, [TikTok](, [Twitter]( and [Facebook](. Follow Us You received this message because you are subscribed to Bloomberg's Bloomberg Opinion Today newsletter. If a friend forwarded you this message, [sign up here]( to get it in your inbox. [Unsubscribe]( [Bloomberg.com]( [Contact Us]( Bloomberg L.P. 731 Lexington Avenue, New York, NY 10022 [Ads Powered By Liveintent]( [Ad Choices](