Dollar bulls should be careful what they wish for

Plus: English rules the world. [Bloomberg]( Follow Us [Get the newsletter]( This is Bloomberg Opinion Today, a false friend of Bloomberg Opinion’s opinions. [Sign up here](. Today’s Agenda - [Dollar bulls]( are basically a cult. - [Germans should use English]( more often. - Senators may be old](, but [trees have them beat](. - [Apple’s carnage]( may just be a taste of what’s coming. Source: [Twitter]( Source: [Twitter]( The Dollar Drinks Your Milkshake For all America’s many problems, its currency has arguably been the world’s best investment over the past year: It’s trouncing every other currency: Because, duh, I guess: The greenback is “the world’s primary reserve currency,” as Jared Dillian notes, the medium of exchange for almost every deal under the sun. Its status as the world’s special butterfly is at the root of the “[Dollar Milkshake Theory](,” created by Brent Johnson of Santiago Capital. Here’s a simplified version: - All currencies are doomed because they’re not actually valuable. - The dollar is slightly better because it’s the favorite child. - When the Fed stops making more dollars — the frothy “milkshake” of the title — demand for existing dollars goes up. For now, at least, this theory can’t seem to lose. The Bloomberg Dollar Spot Index has risen as much as 16% since May of 2021, and [retail investors are frantically chasing bucks]( like so many meme stocks, Jared writes. He’s skeptical, calling it “the oddest trade to form a cult around,” because its culmination would essentially mean a collapse in every other investment. Then again, it wouldn’t be the first doomsday cult. Bonus Investment Reading: Gary Gensler wants to transform the stock market for retail investors. [Is that really the best use of the SEC’s time?]( — Bloomberg’s editorial board English Makes The World Less Awkward On my first day of sixth-grade Latin, we were told to give ourselves Latin names, and I chose “Papilio,” or “Butterfly.” Thinking I had mastered the art of turning masculine nouns feminine, I proudly introduced myself as “Papilia.” You can imagine my horror when my teacher whispered that I had just dubbed myself “Nipples.” Luckily, Latin is a dead language, making such embarrassments rare. German, on the other hand, is very much alive, and it shares some unfortunate characteristics with its Roman predecessor, including three confusing genders. “Only a deviant mind, given a clean slate, would construct a grammar with four cases and three genders,” writes Andreas Kluth. His solution: [Germany should make English an official language](. English has the advantage of being spoken around the world. In Scandinavia, for example, it’s become the de facto business language because it avoids the issue of similar-sounding words with differing definitions — often referred to as “false friends.” Just look at Norway and Denmark. If a Danish businessman were to ask his counterpart in Norway to meet him for a friendly laugh over lunch, the Norwegian would probably roll up around 9 a.m. ready to sob over some scrambled eggs: Germany should follow the lead of its Nordic neighbors and make English official, Andreas writes. It will help an aging German society attract fresh talent, while avoiding productivity-sapping “breakfast/lunch” and “butterfly/nipples” confusion. Bonus Language Reading: While we’re at it, let’s start a petition to [stop saying the phrase “viral load.”]( — Cathy O’Neil Ages and Ages Trees and senators have a lot in common. Both: - Have underground networks keeping them alive - Can live for a very long time - Need removal when they turn rotten Trees are a tad more resilient; [they can live for thousands of years]( because they don’t experience senescence, a fancy word for the miserable life cycle that takes down senators and other animals. Without this pesky bug, humans could live 700 years, on average, forest ecologist Nathan Stephenson tells Faye Flam. Senators aren’t living quite that long, but [their average age does keep rising](, writes Jonathan Bernstein, to the point where it’s becoming sort of a [problem](. Fortunately, there may be a chance in the midterms to start reversing that trend. The outlook isn’t as good for trees, which have survived [millennia]( of climate catastrophes but may have finally met their match in short-lived humans. Telltale Chart Apple’s [not-so-good news]( on the hiring front sent the stock tumbling last night. Though the iPhone maker is already in the red by 17% for the year, John Authers [expects more carnage to come](. Further Reading Tories need two candidates to replace Boris Johnson. One of Rishi Sunak, Liz Truss and Penny Mordant [will have to go](. — Therese Raphael Zoom meetings from Bali are nice, but you lose a lot [when you detach from HQ completely](. — Adrian Wooldridge Twitter [beat Elon Musk]( in court, and that’s [good news for the rule of law](. — Liam Denning [China’s strict cyberspace controls]( are self-defeating. — Tim Culpan It’s easy to be pessimistic about the future of Colombia, [so let’s not](!  — Tyler Cowen [Emmanuel Macron is telling Europe]( what it needs to hear about energy. — Maria Tadeo ICYMI Netflix [stopped bleeding subscribers](. Matt Levine talked [crypto with Sam Bankman-Fried](bbg://news/stories/RAWR4IT1UM0W). [17 House Democrats got arrested]( at a pro-choice rally. Kickers [Movie theater gives redheads]( free tickets for the UK heatwave. (h/t Ellen Kominers) The secret recipe behind [Costco’s inflation-proof rotisserie chicken](. Scientists are stunned by three stories of [deep-sea hydrothermal vents](. (h/t James Gibney) Both [Finland]( and [Norway]( somehow have famous walruses. (h/t Scott Kominers and Mark Gongloff) Freya is all of us. Source: [Twitter]( Notes:  Please send Costco chicken and feedback to Jessica Karl at jkarl9@bloomberg.net. [Sign up here]( and follow us on [Instagram](, [TikTok](, [Twitter]( and [Facebook](. Like getting this newsletter? [Subscribe to Bloomberg.com]( for unlimited access to trusted, data-driven journalism and subscriber-only insights. Before it’s here, it’s on the Bloomberg Terminal. Find out more about how the Terminal delivers information and analysis that financial professionals can’t find anywhere else. [Learn more](. 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