The crypto world sees right through Matt Damon

This is Bloomberg Opinion Today, an intern bar of Bloomberg Opinion’s opinions. Sign up here.Today’s Agenda Matt Damon makes crypto cringe. [Bloomberg]( Follow Us [Get the newsletter]( This is Bloomberg Opinion Today, an intern bar of Bloomberg Opinion’s opinions. [Sign up here](. Today’s Agenda - [Matt Damon]( makes crypto cringe. - Shoplifting: not a want, but a [need](. - Kids do [best in classrooms](. - Maybe [robots]( wrote “Made in China 2025.” Matt Damon Walks Into an Intern Bar In New York City, there are certain establishments — Phebe’s, Le Bain, the Brass Monkey — that you would never dare enter if you are above the age of, say 22. These meccas are called “intern bars,” and if you happened to stumble into one, you’d be overwhelmed by the scent of sweat, Natty Light and dry shampoo. In these bars, the floor feels coated in grenadine, and your line of vision is a flood of untucked J.Crew oxfords and Goyard tote bags, not all of them real. These drinkeries were considered chic in their heyday. But somewhere along the line they were co-opted by a cohort of rowdy individuals, often underaged and inebriated. A similar process seems to be affecting the meme-investment world. Matt Damon’s [ad for crypto.com]( is basically as bad as him showing up at an intern bar and asking “How do you do, fellow kids?” It’s the very definition of cringe, writes Lionel Laurent. Slapping some laser eyes on your Twitter avatar, purchasing [NFTs for Christmas gifts]( and name-dropping Cathie Wood at the dinner table won’t win you brownie points anymore. But Lionel says [this doesn’t exactly spell doom for the crypto craze](. It just means parts of the cryptoverse have become [cheugy](, and not everyone is smart enough to separate the hype from the mockery. In the hipper corner of the crypto, we now have a new financial instrument called a bividend, which is — you guessed it! — a dividend payable in Bitcoin. As of this morning, the blockchain-y company BTCS was up 52% on news of its invention of the bividend, which Matt Levine [praises as an effective attention-getting strategy](, if nothing else. People like bividends because they are new and shiny! People who like bividends probably do *not* think Murray Hill is cool! There’s like a 5% chance any of this makes sense to you, dear reader, and I think that is the point. Bonus Fintwit Reading: The original fairy tale about Goldilocks didn’t involve #stonks, but what if it did? [Find out whether your portfolio would outsmart the three Fed bears](. — Aaron Brown Stealing Home When people think about shoplifting, it’s often calculated and cinematic, like when [Sandra Bullock walks into a glitzy department store]( in “Ocean's 8” and walks out with bags of cosmetics and designer clothing. But in reality, shoplifting has a lot less to do with securing a bottle of J'adore and more to do with securing things people actually need to survive, like food, water and fuel. Andrea Felsted explains that in times of crisis [people tend to shoplift more](. Organized crime drives much of this, but “amateurs” play a role too. It’s no wonder why: In November, food prices skyrocketed to their highest level in 13 years. One culprit is China, which is hoarding piles of food. Within the year, [China will hold 69% of global corn reserves, 60% of rice and 51% of wheat](, notes Adam Minter. This spells trouble for food-shoppers, retailers and Wall Street alike. Kids Need Classrooms Zoom schooling has been disastrous for many American kids, [depriving them of years of learning they’ll never get back](, writes Bloomberg LP founder Mike Bloomberg. Even with the omicron-driven Covid surge, there are ways to keep in-person teaching safe, he argues. Many Democratic politicians, including Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot and New York City Mayor Eric Adams, are trying to keep schools open. But they’re getting pushback from teachers, including those who walked out this week in Chicago. At stake is the future of our most vulnerable students, Mike warns. Telltale Chart Just like my Grandpa’s ever-evolving story about that time his Italian loafers saved his life out at sea during World War II, China has cranked out countless versions of its “Made in China 2025” blueprint. This time, industrial robots are the stars. Anjani Trivedi writes this plan has the potential to transform Beijing into “[the factory floor of the future.](” Further Reading [Antiquated car-dealership laws make little sense]( in an era dominated by Rivian and Tesla. — Liam Denning Mitch McConnell’s [zeal for the filibuster]( is the real radicalism. — Jonathan Bernstein Under zero circumstances should [Elizabeth Holmes]( be a poster child for women being held to unfair standards. — Sarah Green Carmichael Many people [don’t like the idea of a Sir Tony Blair](. — Therese Raphael [Asia’s richest man has succession plans]( that make Logan Roy’s problems look like child’s play. — Andy Mukherjee Contrary to what many say, money — and managing it properly — is [one of the most important conditions for happiness](. — Teresa Ghilarducci If you’re vaccinated and end up in the hospital with a bad case of Covid, should you get preferential treatment over unvaccinated patients? [A lesson on triage gives us a clue](. — Andreas Kluth ICYMI Everything you need to know about “[flurona](.” What happened to the [Republicans who voted to impeach Donald Trump]( after the Jan. 6 attack? [To-go drinks in NYC]( are here to stay. Kickers Area goldfish learns how to [drive a smol car](. (h/t Mike Smedley) Area rock gets yelled at by [Elmo](. One hundred and twenty-five years after Plessy vs. Ferguson, Homer Plessy was [posthumously pardoned](. I don’t even want to do laundry on Earth, but apparently [people want to do it in space](. Notes:  Please send Lunar Tide Pods and feedback to Jessica Karl at jkarl9@bloomberg.net. [Sign up here]( and follow us on [Instagram](, [TikTok](, [Twitter]( and [Facebook](. Like Bloomberg Opinion Today? [Subscribe to Bloomberg All Access and get much, much more](. You’ll receive our unmatched global news coverage and two in-depth daily newsletters, The Bloomberg Open and The Bloomberg Close. 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