SBF’s final argument didn’t do him any favors

Misunderstood vegans don't get 25-year prison sentences. [Bloomberg]( This is Bloomberg Opinion Today, a beautiful puzzle of Bloomberg Opinion’s opinions. [Sign up here](. Today’s Agenda - SBF’s prison [sentence]( is in. - Gen Zers are obsessed with [Zyn](. - A [TikTok career]( isn’t always a win. - China [takes EVs]( for a spin. A Beautiful Puzzle What are the odds that Grazie Sophia Christie — author of this now-viral [personal essay]( in New York magazine — and Marc Mukasey — Sam Bankman-Fried’s [attorney]( — take the same creative writing class? It’s a crazy theory, but how else do you explain the similarities between their verbose and tone-deaf arguments? Here’s a side-by-side comparison: Christie: “I had high breasts, most of my eggs, plausible deniability when it came to purity, a flush ponytail, a pep in my step that had yet to run out. Apologies to Progress, but older men still desired those things.” Mukasey: “He’s an awkward math nerd. He’s into veganism. He has an off the chart intellect. He is a beautiful puzzle. He can parse words better than a Talmudic scholar. He was a billionaire unconcerned about material possessions.” Women must marry wisely before their [ovaries run dry](! SBF is just a [misunderstood vegan](! Am I the only one who thinks these are the rationalizations of two individuals who are under the same tutelage? In the case of SBF, US District Court Judge Lewis A. Kaplan saw right through it. Although Bankman-Fried’s lawyers were gunning for a sentence of just 6.5 years — similar to what Martin Shkreli got — Kaplan ended up giving SBF [25 years](, all but ensuring that the 32-year-old crypto wunderkind will be in prison past his 50th birthday. Lionel Laurent [says]( that sentence, along with the forfeiture of more than $11 billion, looks like a fair outcome. To recap, SBF was convicted of fraud, conspiracy and plenty of other offenses after his crypto exchange FTX went belly-up, revealing an $8 billion hole of missing customer funds. The jury didn’t buy SBF’s whole “I’m-a-victim-in-all-this” defense, largely because he had a history of making statements such as, “F**k regulators.” But SBF’s sentence still falls short of what prosecutors were hoping for. After all, Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years after his Ponzi scheme collapsed: Even so, Lionel says “it sends a message to an industry that’s still yet to complete the clean-up it sorely needs.” Plenty of other “beautiful puzzles” await: Changpeng “CZ” Zhao is due to be sentenced soon for failing to follow money-laundering rules. A civil fraud trial has started over fallen crypto tycoon Do Kwon. And the US and UK are reportedly reviewing billions of dollars worth of [crypto transactions]( that passed through Russia. All signs point to the crypto jig being up. The Zyn Spins The other day, I was in an Uber with my sister and we spotted a guy carrying what looked to be about 10 cans of tuna underneath his chin. “TUNA KING!” my sister exclaimed, happy to see evidence of the tinned fish revival on the streets of Manhattan. But after watching [this TikTok](, I don’t think that guy was carrying tins of tuna. Instead, it was probably just a fat stack of Zyn … like the one this lady is holding: If you’re unfamiliar with the testosterone-laced culture around Zynning, color me jealous. The tiny, tobacco-less pouches of nicotine have infiltrated my social feeds, with so-called Zynfluencers peddling the merits of a product that Philip Morris initially created for Boomer ex-smokers trying to wean themselves off tobacco. But that’s no longer the primary customer. Instead, it’s Gen Zers, some of whom appear to be [accidentally swallowing]( the packets of flavored nicotine in their sleep. Not cute! Andrea Felsted [says]( the frenzy over whether young people who have never smoked are getting hooked on nicotine is “[eerily similar]( to that which engulfed [vaping]( around five years ago.” Although there’s no suggestion that anyone is becoming ill or dying from the [saliva-coated sachets](, the rate at which young people are [ripping Zyns]( — which are cheaper than cigarettes — is cause for concern: Of course, the MAGA crowd [has thoughts]( on all of this, with Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene [calling for]( “a Zynsurrection” after Senator Chuck Schumer [said]( the nicotine pouches pose a danger to teens. How might the culture war play out? “If vaping is anything to go by, the most likely outcome is a crackdown on flavors,” Andrea argues. I also think Philip Morris should tone down its [seemingly]( [gamified]( Zyn Rewards system, if only to rid the world of its [hideous LED signs](. “Big tobacco talks about a smoke-free future,” she writes. “It must contemplate a nicotine-free future too.” In spirit of that, here’s something free for your immediate future: [the whole thing](! Bonus What-Matters-to-MAGA Reading: - Free read: If AI were going to churn out a perfect female running mate for Donald Trump, it might very well be [South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem](, who styles herself as a tough, rangy, gun-loving ranch gal with beauty queen energy. — Patricia Lopez - Free read: Right-wingers are [blaming the collapse]( of the Baltimore bridge on DEI, which they like to say stands for “Didn’t Earn It.” This is obviously racist. — Sarah Green Carmichael Telltale Charts It’s pretty wild that some parents are shelling out [$90,000 a year]( for college tuition, only to have their child throw away their dreams of becoming a corporate lawyer to pursue a full-time career as a comedian on TikTok. Like, what do you even say to that?? Perhaps you should read this Erin Lowry [column]( before staging an intervention. What gives Erin pause about TikTok isn’t the app itself, but rather the notion that a career as an influencer is something young people should be striving for. “Opening the door to potentially millions of people to comment on your life choices is a vulnerable act, especially since you can’t take back what you’ve already shared,” she writes. And yet, plenty of Gen Zers see it as a very respectable — and lucrative! — career. Can we talk about how BYD is girl-bossing its way to EV supremacy? By midyear, CEO Wang Chuanfu says [half of all new cars]( sold should either be battery or plug-in hybrid. “You might feel tempted to dismiss that as an executive’s customary bullishness, but the China Passenger Car Association, an industry group, expects such new-energy vehicles to already [comprise nearly 46% of sales]( this month,” David Fickling [writes](. Wealthy countries where the EV revolution has yet to manifest itself are “about to find themselves wrong-footed by the pace of change.” Further Reading Gavin Newsom’s [minimum-wage law]( is all about the dough. — Bloomberg’s editorial board If you feel like [UK homes]( are getting smaller, it's because they are. — Merryn Somerset Webb The British elite is [haunted]( by childhood demons. — Chris Bryant Embracing nap times and going nocturnal are [climate survival]( strategies. — Lara Williams Ukraine needs help [rebuilding](. Denmark is giving it. — Dmytro Kuleba and Lars Lokke Rasmussen ICYMI Josh Kushner and Karlie Kloss [are relaunching]( Life Magazine. South Carolina is using an [unconstitutional map](. Gas prices [are rising]( faster than normal. Kickers Billie Eilish is a [sustainable queen](. 7-Eleven takes [hot dogs]( to a new level. Say no to [extravagant]( bachelorette parties. Lyft has [Beyoncé beef]( with Uber. The perfect [Easter shirt]( does not exi— Notes: Please send hot dog seltzer and feedback to Jessica Karl at jkarl9@bloomberg.net. [Sign up here]( and follow us on [Threads](, [TikTok](, [Twitter](, [Instagram]( and [Facebook](. Follow Us Like getting this newsletter? [Subscribe to Bloomberg.com]( for unlimited access to trusted, data-driven journalism and subscriber-only insights. Before it’s here, it’s on the Bloomberg Terminal. Find out more about how the Terminal delivers information and analysis that financial professionals can’t find anywhere else. [Learn more](. Want to sponsor this newsletter? [Get in touch here](. You received this message because you are subscribed to Bloomberg's Opinion Today newsletter. If a friend forwarded you this message, [sign up here]( to get it in your inbox. [Unsubscribe]( [Bloomberg.com]( [Contact Us]( Bloomberg L.P. 731 Lexington Avenue, New York, NY 10022 [Ads Powered By Liveintent]( [Ad Choices](