YOUR STORIES on beauty standards, shame, and forgetting the haters

These responses are raw, honest, and undeniably important. Share them with someone you love today 💛 It’s funny, {NAME} – I was so frustrated when I sent you my last email… But now, I think it’s just about the best thing that could’ve happened. See, I’d recently received a question from a reporter that really struck a nerve. It was about the unrealistic beauty standards out there, and the judgment women face when trying to meet them. It made me angry to think about just how pervasive this “catch 22” is in our society… So I wanted to know if you’ve ever experienced this stigma for yourself. As both a father of a little girl and surgeon who frequently treats women, I felt it was really important to get the female perspective. This is such a delicate and personal topic, I wasn’t sure if anyone would reply… But then, the responses started rolling in — HUNDREDS of them! I’ve spent the last couple of days reading through your thoughts, experiences, and advice… And all I can say is thank you. They were all so remarkably thoughtful, candid, analytical, and perceptive. (I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. The BHMD community is super insightful, and I love that we have such brilliant people following our work!) I know this probably wasn’t easy to talk about… and it’s not your job to explain things to me… Yet you went above and beyond to share your opinions, experiences, and in many cases, professional knowledge to help me make sense of a very difficult issue. And words can’t express how much I’ve learned from you these past couple of days. Now, that’s not to say I’m no longer concerned about the problem. After all, not only did many people say they’ve been a victim of this stigma… Many of the responses were brutally honest about just how pervasive it is. For example, this anonymous subscriber wrote:  “I have hundreds of large lipomas on my body, mostly on my arms. I haven’t worn a short sleeve shirt in many years. I feel terrible looking at them. When I shared this very personal and embarrassing pain point in a professional women’s association, I was met with empathy but also with judgment for my mentioning I want to get rid of them through plastic surgery. The response was, “That’s so expensive, can’t you just be happy with who you are?” I believe I should have the opportunity to feel beautiful, but when I have tried to embrace or ignore my lipomas, people would stare and even point and whisper about them to their friends. At the end of the day, I should not feel shame for wanting to feel normal.” First off — I’m heartbroken to hear you’ve faced such cruel judgment. You absolutely DO deserve to feel beautiful. Every single woman does, and there’s absolutely no shame in that — as Jennifer points out:  “Unfortunately, a lot of women and men are not comfortable disclosing certain topics, and I get it. There is a stigma surrounding youth "upkeep.” But I’m all for looking and feeling your best. If someone wishes to pursue it in more extreme measures, then I say good for them and go for it. I may even consider a little nip and tuck one day — and who cares! It's my life and decision, and truly no one's business but my own. If I lived to please others, I would be a shell of a person. It matters not what others think, but what is in our own hearts.” Well said, Jennifer! I think many people forget self care can also be an act of self love… And as Maria mentions, that self-care can look different for everyone. For her, it involves trips to the medi-spa — something she says her family isn't always supportive of…  “Folks don’t believe me when I tell them I do all these things for no one but myself, but it’s true. I enjoy looking my best, and if it takes an injection or two to achieve that, what’s the harm? I notice that when I take the time to wear makeup when I’m in public, I stand a little taller and feel a lot more confident. I have to admit though, at times I get caught up in these unrealistic and downright unfair expectations. When my daughter goes out, I encourage her to wear makeup, telling her that it’s important to look good. She tells me, “Mom, I feel good about myself, why should I care about what people think about my looks?” And then I feel like a fool. Oh well, I guess a lifetime of programming is hard to undo. ” Maria, thank you for this incredibly candid and vulnerable response… You’re right — while it’s important to do what makes YOU feel your very best… It’s equally important to recognize when we’re caught up in the expectations of others. From the looks of it, you’ve taught your daughter the balance of both — something I want to do with my own little girl. Bravo! Now I want to pivot for a minute… Because as much as I love the talk of self-empowerment, I came across quite a few responses that made another point: Looking and feeling our best doesn’t just change how we see ourselves in the world… It can also change how the world sees us. Take Linda’s experience…  “Many years ago, I had my teeth bonded. It was a huge change. People were friendlier and responded to me more positively. I was better accepted in my career and received a promotion shortly after that I don’t think would have come without my perfect smile. It changed my life, all in positive ways. I wish we lived in a world where appearances were not so important but I think we are hard-wired to look for it. Women should have pride in their appearance for their own sakes, not for anyone else’s — but my experience highlights how important it is. No one should be judged or criticized for being the best version of themselves.” And she’s certainly not alone. Another anonymous writer shared a similar experience:  “The majority of the employees that I work with are in their mid-twenties to mid-thirties. They have no idea how old I am. Some of those employees make hurtful comments about women in their 50s and 60s. For instance, things like, “When you get to that age, it’s over, you should just give up.” They don’t mean to hurt my feelings, because they think I’m in my 40s. And since they have that attitude, I don’t dare tell them my age, because I believe they will look at me differently. I’ll be 66 on October 30th. My message to women in our age bracket is NEVER GIVE UP! Take great care of yourself, by any means you choose to. You deserve to look and feel your best!” I agree wholeheartedly! At the end of the day, no one should be judged for what they decide to do — or not do — with their looks. (And it certainly shouldn’t play a role in how you’re treated.) With that said, I can’t think of a better note to end on than C’s message:  “As a whole, we need to have more compassion and empathy, and to stop judging others. Let’s try putting ourselves in their shoes for a minute or two and cut them some slack!” That’s what it all comes down to, right? I can’t help but think the world would be a much better place if we all took that approach. Anyway, I wish I could share all the responses I received — but there’s just too many to fit into one email. And look, I’m not going to pretend that I now suddenly know what it’s like for women, or how to fix society… But I DO KNOW I gained a whole lot of perspective over the last couple of days… And I’m going to take that into each and every consultation I do from here on out. And if my daughter, Violet, ever finds herself facing this very stigma one day… As a father, I’m going to do everything I can to help her feel valued and respected as a person — and I’ll never let her doubt how beautiful she is. Your Beverly Hills MD, Dr. John Layke     This email was sent to {EMAIL} by jlayke@beverlyhills-md.com [Edit Profile]( | [Manage Subscriptions]( | [VIP Discounts]( | [Join Text Club]( | [Subscribe](  8391 Beverly Blvd., #471, Los Angeles, CA 90048   [Report Spam](  These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Â