Barking Up The Wrong Tree May 29th, 2023 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my new book become a bestseller! To check it out, click [here](. --------------------------------------------------------------- 5 Rituals To Keep You Happy All The Time ([Click here]( to read on the blog) Letâs begin with a cruel little fact... Iris Mauss, a psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley, found that those who worked the hardest to be happier ended up being unhappier [on every measure she studied](. Huh? Trying to live a better life fails miserably? Might be time to close up shop on this blog. Well, we had a good run. Itâs been fun. Bye... Seriously though, letâs put a pin in that one for now. Weâll get to it later. (Trust me, thereâs a reason.) More importantly, why canât we just be (and stay) happy in the first place? Because Mother Nature doesnât want you to be. Author [Robert Wright]( broke it down pretty clearly. Pleasure evaporates so quickly in order to make you keep pursuing more pleasure. Evolution doesnât want you sitting around content all the time. It wants you to be productive (at least by its definition). So the anticipation of pleasure is super strong -- but the feeling itself is fleeting. Keeps you hustling because if the treadmillâs not on, you donât run. Annnnnnnnd so we scramble around with a torch jugglerâs schedule doing things to try and keep the happiness ball in the air. Problem is, we often do the wrong things to be happy. So what are the right things? Well, I have a handy dandy acronym for you: PERMA. Easy to remember because thatâs not even a sound bite; itâs a sound nibble.
- P: Positive Emotions
- E: Engagement
- R: Relationships
- M: Meaning
- A: Accomplishment
Thereâs your hedonic cheat code. But does it work? Actually, more than [eight thousand studies]( show these strategies are effective. No, I didnât come up with it. (Iâm not a researcher. This post is fan non-fiction.) PERMA was developed by Martin Seligman, the Grand Poobah of happiness research. Heâs a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, a former president of the American Psychological Association, and the leading researcher in âpositive psychologyâ â the science of making you happier. Ready to be cheered up? I know I am. Letâs get to it... Positive Emotion News flash: good feelings make you feel good. You know this one and already rely on it â maybe too much. We want to feel good but we donât want the negatives that come with so many of the strategies we try, like the stomachache after two gallons of ice cream. Well, we can get the upside without the downside. We can increase positive emotion about the past with [gratitude]( about the present with [savoring]( and about the future with [optimism](. Letâs focus on savoring because itâs the one you hear the least about. One method is called â[memory building]( You do this, but only occasionally and haphazardly. It needs to be a habit. You know those memories of the good times? The powerful ones that irresistibly bring a smile to your face? Make more of them. Next time life is wonderful and things could not get any better, when youâre laughing with friends or on that relaxing vacation with the millions you embezzled, pause and take a mental snapshot. I said âmentalâ snapshot. Rather than just taking a photo and burying it in the bowels of Instagram, forge a crisp memory. Soak in the details. Really feel it and burn the image into your brain. Then return to the world and fully enjoy the moment. Weâre often so busy collecting experiences for social media that we arenât fully present. You donât want to be an archivist or a detached witness in your life. You want to be a participant. So make memories and savor them. And they donât need to be the Supreme Highest of Highs. Anything that brings you solid positive emotions qualifies. When Iâm listening to Chris Rock or Led Zeppelin, I smile and laugh, and tell myself just how good this feels. The little things matter. Take a mental snapshot. No, you canât just stop there. This is a common mistake we make: focusing exclusively on positive emotions. It sucks that immediate pleasures donât equal long term happiness. Life would be so simple. No, we gotta do more. We got four more letters... Engagement There are times when life is going nowhere. And it is doing it very slowly. Everything is âfineâ but the world feels as barren as the lunar surface. Empty. Thereâs a longing inside you. Maaaybe, itâs because youâre not engaged. Seligman says: âEngagement is an experience in which someone fully deploys their skills, strengths, and attention for a challenging task.â We need to be involved. Not watching life, but an active part of it. The answer here? You want more â[flow]( Youâve probably heard of this concept. Itâs those moments where you are so wrapped up in something that the world falls away and you lose track of time. You are âoneâ with whatever youâre doing. Flow isnât passive. Laying on the couch or watching TV doesnât usher it in. Flow is active. Youâre making progress toward a goal. The challenge is at that sweet spot where you need to be on your game but itâs not overwhelming. Youâre not thinking about the end result; youâre fully swept up by the process. Oddly, flow feels good but you donât even notice until after because youâre not thinking about how it feels. Youâre not thinking much at all. Like an athlete in the zone. So how do we get there? Good news -- flow usually comes when youâre doing what you enjoy most. Reading, talking to friends, playing music, exercise⦠Whatever makes self-awareness vanish and the chatter in your head die down. Whatever does that for you, do it more. Actually schedule time for it. Itâs not magic. But that doesn't mean it isn't magical. Okay, two letters down. There are these other things on the planet known as "people." Shockingly, they are not always a negative... Relationships Relationships are so critical to well-being I actually wrote a whole [book]( about it. Ironically, I was very much alone at the time, cooped up during the pandemic. (If youâre imagining âThe Shiningâ, youâre not far off.) Relationships donât just bring us joy, they amplify the joy thatâs already in our lives. We also get support from others. And unless youâre a solipsistic sociopath, you derive a lot of pleasure from doing things for others. Plenty of research shows that [kindness]( promotes well-being. Whatâs the most scientific way to be happier through relationships? Science and relationships donât intuitively seem to fit in the same bucket. Iâm not going to suggest that instead of telling your beloved they are âone in a millionâ, you start saying they are âsix deviations from the mean.â I do, however, recommend a â[gratitude visit]( Weâve discussed this before on the blog. Itâs warm and fuzzy but also quite scientific. The brass tacks:
- Schedule a time to get together with someone who has been good to you.
- Write a letter of gratitude to them in advance.
- Meet with them and read it out loud.
Itâs that simple -- and oh-so-powerful. People often cry. And they never forget it. Studies show the happiness boost you get from this can last up to three months. Now that's some ROI. And the bonus is you get to make someone special very happy as well. Next we have to go deeper. Gotta muck about in the existential swamp and find the answer to that eternally troublesome question: âWhy?â Meaning You can have all the things that make up a good life but meaning is the thing between the things. Without it, all the good stuff can have a ghostly hollowness. But when we have meaning, wow. Itâs like being a member of the French Resistance. Things are important. You stand for something. What you do matters. You matter. Seligman says meaning comes from âbelonging to and serving something bigger than the self.â Religion, family, community, work, and social causes can all bring meaning. Do you know what brings meaning for you? If so, good. If not, think about what you wish to be remembered for... Yeah, thatâs a tough question. Donât worry, thereâs a simple -- and fantastically morbid -- way to get the answer: [visualize your funeral]( and consider what you want friends to describe as your legacy. Thatâs right, all it takes is some dwelling on the thing you fear most. (Yes, I just made a joke about death in a post about happiness and, no, I am not better than that.) Seriously, what would you like to be praised for and remembered for? Then go do those things to become that person and earn that praise. (Follow through and thereâs a good chance youâll get that praise before you die.) Most of what happens to all of us is the same. You go to work, you see your family, you sit in traffic. What makes us each so different and special is how you see the things you do. The meaning beneath it all. Donât neglect that. Alright, enough highfalutin fancy thinking stuff. Time to get out in the world and accomplish things... Accomplishment Whether itâs through work, hobbies, sports or games, a feeling of competence and success fill us with pride and energy. Accomplishment is unique because the process doesnât always feel good â itâs hard â but the struggle makes the achievements even better. So whatâs the âto doâ here? It's simple: do more stuff. Not only does it intuitively make sense, but accomplishing things actually undergirds one of the most effective treatments for depression -- â[behavioral activation therapy]( You know the feeling. Itâs what makes scratching things off your to-do list so rewarding. And you also know the flip side. When youâre on social media and itâs kinda nice but then two hours have gone by and youâre like, âWhat the heck am I doing with my life?â The best part about accomplishing things is it can create a virtuous cycle. We make progress, it feels good and weâre ready to do even more. Harvard professor Teresa Amabile has shown that nothing is more motivating than [making progress](. And the best part is weâre focused on happiness here, not getting ahead. So you donât have to think about getting that promotion. You donât have to move mountains or cure cancer. You donât have to become a world class master to feel a bit of mastery. (A journalist asked John Lennon if Ringo Starr was the best drummer on the planet. Lennon replied, "He's not even the best drummer in the Beatles.") Donât do it for money. Donât do it for your college application essay. Do it for you. Because it feels good to be good at something. Envy is for the lazy. Go accomplish something that makes you feel awesome. Alright, time to round it all up and answer that question we raised at the beginning of the post: Why does trying to be happy so often fail? Sum Up How to be happy forever and ever and ever...
- Positive Emotions: We only ask the question âHaving fun yet?â ironically. So savor the good times. Take a mental snapshot.
- Engagement: Flow can debug your happiness code. Spend more time doing the things that make time stop.
- Relationships: A fortress of solitude can be a fortress of loneliness if youâre not careful. Do a gratitude visit with someone and spread the joy.
- Meaning: Itâs smelling salts for life. Be the person you want to be remembered as.
- Accomplishment: All too often our mediocrity is self-imposed. Go accomplish something. Thereâs nothing like the satisfaction of a job well done. Corny, but true.
Okay, okay, I apologize for keeping you in suspense. Why does trying to be happier fail? If youâre doing the PERMA 5, dead set on achieving happiness⦠they wonât work. Seligman says the spell is only effective when PERMA is âpursued for its own sake, not as a means to an end.â Might seem too cutesy but it makes sense. How sincere do you think that gratitude visit is gonna be if youâre just going through the motions and saying, âAlright, I did it. Whereâs my happiness?â And you canât be in flow if youâre thinking about the end result because when youâre in flow, youâre not thinking. If you hollow out these activities and make them a line item on a to-do list, it wonât be genuine because these practices are all about sincere emotion. Thatâs not going to lead to deep-seated happiness and fulfillment. Youâre going to end up as disappointed as Darth Vader was when he realized there was no homeownerâs insurance on the Death Star. Henry David Thoreau said, âHappiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder.â Do the PERMA 5, but do them for their own sake, not for some future payoff. Thatâs how we learn to appreciate the moment. And life is nothing more than a collection of moments. Give it a shot. Even just a few of the 5 can make a huge difference. Chris Rock and Led Zeppelin. Just sayinâ... ***If you are one of those lovely people who bought "Plays Well With Others" please leave a review on Amazon [here](. Thanks!*** Email Extras Findings from around the internet... + Want to know how to handle difficult conversations? Click [here](. + Want to know how to make better decisions? Click [here](. + Want to know the easy way to make meetings more productive and creative? Click [here](. + Miss my prior post? Here you go: [This Is How To Get Unstuck: 5 Secrets From Research](. + Want to know how to make work teams more creative? Click [here](. + You read to the end of the email. I'm certainly happier -- I hope you are too. Thank you for reading. Okey dokey -- it's Crackerjack time: Curious about how they do those incredible visual effects in movies like "Harry Potter" and "Inception"? Then this video is going to blow your mind. To check it out, click [here](.
Thanks for reading!
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