Barking Up The Wrong Tree October 4th, 2021 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller! To check it out, click [here](. --------------------------------------------------------------- New Neuroscience Reveals 7 Secrets That Will Make You Emotionally Intelligent ([Click here]( to read on the blog) If you were in Dare County, North Carolina, in September of 1902 you would have seen two men next to a large piece of machinery yelling at each other. And you probably would have thought that whatever it was these guys were trying to do, it wasnât going to work out. How can two people accomplish anything when theyâre arguing so much? But the pair was the Wright brothers. That piece of heavy machinery would become the first airplane. And all that arguing was their secret weapon. When they were young, their dad, Milton Wright, would raise a subject over dinner and have the boys debate it. Then the two would have to switch sides and argue the other position. It trained them to hone their ideas and express them clearly. They learned to listen and still care about each other as they argued. They learned to disagree productively. And they changed the world. Now in todayâs world I think we can all agree that... Um, actually, in todayâs world it seems we canât agree on anything. Everyone argues about everything, the news looks like the WWE, and letâs not even mention the civility of social media. Everyone has very strong opinions on what this world needs until you start to think that the only thing this world needs is fewer people who know what this world needs. You might think what would be best is less conflict. Uh, no. We donât need fewer disputes. What the research shows is that we need the proper kind. Because conflict, believe it or not, can be a fantastic thing if we do it the right way. This is emotional intelligence where it matters most: during arguments. Ian Leslie spoke to military interrogators, therapists, hostage negotiators, divorce mediators, and every other type of communication expert you can think of to write â[Conflicted: How Productive Disagreements Lead to Better Outcomes]( And he has a lot of answers we need. Letâs get to it... Arguing Can Be Good. But Do It Right. The workplace puts a premium on getting along. These days people who are too disagreeable are usually let go faster than you can say "out-of-court settlement." But all that does is make the conflict stealthy and turn the office into a petri dish for passive aggressiveness. Studies show the best work cultures try to get issues out in the open. Active debate is what leads to the best brainstorming and top-notch ideas. Best example? Wikipedia. You think that site got so wise and reliable by being conflict-free? Nope, a 2019 study from the University of Chicago showed the exact opposite. From [Conflicted]( Hereâs what Evans discovered: the more polarised the team, the better the quality of the page. Ideologically polarised teams were more competitive â they had more arguments than more homogeneous or âmoderateâ teams. But their arguments improved the quality of the resulting page.
And love isnât all that different. In the early years of a relationship, people get much better at reading one another. But then it starts to decline. Why? Once we think we âknowâ someone we stop paying attention. Frankly, we need a bit of friction to update our mental models and conflict makes you listen. Too little arguing among newlyweds means theyâre avoiding problems. From [Conflicted]( In 2010, American researchers Jim McNulty and Michelle Russell analysed data from two longitudinal studies of relationships. They found that couples who at the beginning of the study engaged in angry rows over relatively trivial problems were less likely to be happy in their relationship four years later. However, couples who were having hostile arguments about deeper problems, such as money or substance abuse, were more likely to feel good about their relationship by the end of the study period.
So conflict is good if we handle it right. But how do we handle it right? The primary thing is keeping the relationship in mind, not just the facts of the argument. From [Conflicted]( Underneath every disagreement a wordless negotiation over a relationship is taking place. If we donât settle that, the conversation doesnât stand a chance.
Putting emotions aside during a dispute is a myth. We canât. Theyâre always there. And acknowledging them isnât enough if we want optimal resolutions. We need to actively cultivate the right kind of feelings. (To learn more about how you can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book [here]( So how do we get started? Remember The Relationship We go into most disputes like itâs a battle to the death, like the other side is actually a lizard person in a human skinsuit. This is over before it begins. You need to separate the person from their position or everything that comes out of your mouth will have the tone of âBURN THE HERETIC!â How you see them fundamentally affects how you talk to them. If youâve already decided they are wrong and youâre engaging in a full-court press to change their mind, theyâre going to resist every word you say. This is as emotionally intelligent as a punch to the face. Instead, if you listen and focus on hearing them out, youâll relax and they probably will too. The experts Ian spoke to spend a lot of energy modeling the behavior they want to see in the other person. This lays the groundwork for a collaboration instead of a knife fight. From [Conflicted]( Interrogators who made an adversary out of their subject left the room empty-handed; those who made them a partner yielded information.
In the early part of a debate, remember the relationship. This is not two armiesâ champions going into combat to determine the victor. You want to be collaborators who have different ideas on how to solve a jigsaw puzzle together. Treat them this way and theyâre more likely to treat you that way. (To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click [here]( But what if they come at you with both barrels from the start? De-Escalate You might want to be nice but then they start off yelling and you think, âWell, if theyâre going to be a jerk then I'll...â Bad. Wrong. Go no further. Itâs natural to respond in kind, but youâre reacting to their negativity with negativity and guess where thatâs gonna lead? John Gottman studied this with romantic couples and found that only 4% of disputes that started off negative were able to turn it around. This is a good way to change your relationship into an episode of a true crime podcast. Instead of following their bad behavior, endeavor to get them to follow your good behavior. Never in the history of calm down has telling anyone to calm down made someone calm down. If you really believe thatâs going to help, you probably believe putting your hands over your eyes makes you invisible. If someone is entering the conversation emotional, donât even think about skipping ahead to presenting your case. Emotions that arenât addressed are a bomb waiting to go off. Listen and acknowledge their feelings. (To learn how to make emotionally intelligent friendships, click [here]( What's the next way that things usually go wrong, and how do we prevent it? Stop Trying To Control What They Think Or Feel The second a conversation turns into a struggle for dominance, it fails. If youâre trying to control the other person you might âwinâ but in the end, youâre both going to lose. The rest of the conversation will just be a slow-motion car crash. The aspect of rapport that had the greatest result was the exact opposite of trying to control the other person: emphasizing autonomy. When police -- who can actually physically control the person theyâre talking to -- put on the pressure, suspects just shut down. Ironically, when they said, âLook, I canât make you talkâ¦â suspects were more likely to. Saying âResistance is futile!â is futile. Be human, be humble, be open-minded. The biggest problem everyone has these days is theyâre too sure theyâre right and so theyâre incapable of truly listening. From [Conflicted]( Often the other person feels as if youâre trying to dominate them or prove your superiority in some way (and, letâs face it, often you are). To allay that suspicion, show vulnerability, admit anxiety, confess uncertainty, even â or especially â if youâre in a position of authority. Unilaterally disarming is your best chance of getting others to lower their defences.
Resist the urge to start shooting down what they say. The best evidence for this comes from therapists that deal with people who are clinically paranoid. Yes, theyâre seeing coded messages from aliens in their spaghetti but you think telling them theyâre nuts is going to help? Theyâve been hearing that forever. Immediately pushing back just entrenches them in their beliefs. They have to see you as being on their side to get anywhere. You donât need to agree with them, but immediately trying to âset them straightâ only backfires. From [Conflicted]( Gently, over time, Dr Peters tries to reduce the patientâs certainty in their belief. Wherever there is a glimmer of doubt, she works with it, inviting the patient to consider evidence for and against. âI wouldnât say to the patient, âdevil worshippers donât existâ, but I might say, âIn this particular instance, when someone pushed you on the bus, I wonder whether it might have been an accident?ââ
(To learn how to be an emotionally intelligent parent, click [here]( So how do you get to a point where they feel youâre a collaborator? The answer is going to sound ridiculous... Help Them Make Their Argument Stronger After they say something, donât immediately move to counter it. Summarize it to their satisfaction. Say, âSo if Iâm hearing you right, what youâre saying isâ¦â This proves that youâre listening, that youâre understanding and it takes a lot of potential conflict off the table. People naturally calm down when they feel understood. The nuclear-powered version of this is to âSteel Manâ their argument. To actually make their case better and stronger. Who would do this but someone who was acting in good faith? If you were only trying to âwinâ you wouldnât do something that would help their case. When you help them make their points and really demonstrate you get why they feel their perspective is so important itâs a lot harder for them to accuse you of ânot getting itâ or for them to hate you. (To learn how to raise emotionally intelligent kids, click [here]( All this takes you a long way toward making it a collaboration. But as youâre moving forward, they may get hostile again. How do you restore collaboration once itâs been lost? Disrupt The Script You might think that good disputes are more organized and hostile disputes more disorganized. Actually, itâs the opposite. Peter Coleman, a professor of conflict resolution at Columbia University, says vicious arguments quickly get locked into predictable patterns. Constructive conversations have ups and downs. Destructive conversations operate more on a straight line -- a straight line down, that is. I escalate, you escalate, I escalate⦠and bystanders hide the sharp objects. Constructive conversations have positive emotions mixed in with negative. Novelty, variation and surprise help you get out of death spirals. When someone starts getting hot under the collar, you donât want to fire back. You want to break the circuit. Say something unexpected. Add warmth or humor. Emotional intelligence can sound like something that requires a PhD or 10 years of meditation, but sometimes itâs as simple as making a joke instead of an insult. (To learn how to stop being lazy and get more done, click [here]( So whatâs the attitude you want to take to move the discussion forward? Get Curious Disputes often devolve into us just judging whatever they say harshly and firing back. Iâd sooner advise invading Russia during wintertime. Instead, suspend judgment and get curious. Ever talk to someone who has a belief so crazy that itâs not threatening? Like when a small child makes a ridiculous statement. You actually are kind of curious how they came to the bizarre conclusion that âBirds arenât real.â So rather than shouting them down, you get curious. âPlease tell me more about how flat our flat Earth is.â As long as youâre not patronizing (like I just was), this is actually very effective. Attack their beliefs and they double down. Ask questions and they know youâre paying attention. Being curious implies you donât have all the answers and often inspires them to hold their beliefs more loosely as well. (To learn how to stop checking your phone, click [here]( All of this making sense? Cool. But how do you get them to change their mind? Well, you donât... Help Them Question Their Own Thinking The âwarâ model makes it seem like the debate will end with one side tapping out like in a UFC match. But everyone over the age of 19 knows that rarely happens. Forcefully trying to get someone to change their mind actually makes it less likely that they will. You donât change their mind. You lead them to a position where they change their mind. From [Conflicted]( A therapist can ask about the evidence for it and prompt the patient to consider that maybe, at some level, it doesnât add up. The crucial point, they say, echoing Miller and Rollnick, is that it should be the patient who articulates the arguments against their delusion. The therapistâs role is to help the patient think about their own thinking.
Listen and reflect. Help them clarify their case. Now they feel understood, you gain information and there is no resistance. Then ask them polite questions that make them think about their position. Done right this can get them to say: âIâm having trouble explaining this thing I thought I understood⦠Maybe Iâm not as sure as I think I am.â (To learn the best time to do anything, click [here]( Have I convinced you? Have I won? DO YOU CONCEDE? Kidding, kidding. Weâve covered a lot. Letâs round it up and learn how to have emotionally intelligent discussions on the internet... Sum Up This is how to have emotionally intelligent disagreements:
- Remember The Relationship: Enemies donât say, âYou are right. I am wrong.â Friends do.
- De-Escalate: If your disputes sound even half as snarky as my writing, youâre doing it wrong.
- Stop Trying To Control What They Think Or Feel: When their autonomy is threatened, people attack or shut down.
- Help Them Make Their Argument Stronger: If you canât disprove the best version of their argument, then youâre not ârightâ, youâre just playing tricks. And, more importantly, âsteelmanningâ shows youâre listening and that youâre sincere.
- Disrupt The Script: Constructive conversations have ups and downs. Donât escalate tension. Make a joke or say something positive.
- Get Curious: So those aliens that talk to you, do they give good advice?
- Help Them Question Their Own Thinking: Therapists donât say: âThatâs ridiculous. Where in your brain did the stroke occur for you to have an idea so stupid?â No, they ask questions until you start to question your own thinking and it crosses the blood-brain barrier that what youâve been saying is the equivalent of 2+2=147.
So how should you have arguments on the internet? Easy... Donât. You may not be aware but the internet was originally designed as a computer network for producing irrational arguments, and it has been successful beyond all expectation. (People have said things so dumb to me on social media that I had to factory reset my phone.) But if you must walk headlong into a Category 5 Twitter Storm, hereâs what can help... Cornell researchers did a 2-year study of the âChange My Viewâ subreddit. Thatâs a place where people actually pose their beliefs, asking others to try and change their mind. Shockingly, over the course of the study, one-third of posters actually did. 33% might not sound like a lot but itâs better than your record or mine. The factor most associated with persuasion was not using the same words as the original post. Like restructuring, which we talked about, restating and reframing the personâs position was powerful. Specific examples, facts and statistics, and blending storytelling with hard evidence all contributed to positive change. And, as we discussed, weakness was power: conveying that you werenât entirely sure yourself was helpful. Oh, and if the person didnât change their mind in 5 back and forth exchanges, it just wasnât going to happen. Abandon ship. But overall, itâs better to avoid internet arguments. (And if you donât like heated disputes online, might I suggest you never ever ever start a blog?) Arguments are complex and challenging. But we can make them better with a little emotional intelligence. Whatâs the biggest takeaway from all this, even if you forget everything else? From [Conflicted]( There is a golden thread running through all the conversations I had with people in the course of researching and writing this book, and itâs this: you canât handle disagreement and conflict successfully if you donât make a truthful human connection. If you have one, then all rules are moot. If you donât have one, then the techniques and tactics you use are likely to do more harm than good.
Donât treat disputes like war. It very rarely works. If you forget the other person is a person, and only think about âwinningâ, I encourage you to consider your priorities because your relationships are going to have the lifespan of a Brita filter. War is for enemies. Changing minds only happens among collaborators, like friends. And if you want to end the dispute as friends, perhaps itâs a good idea to handle the dispute like a friend? ***And if you want a daily insight, quote or laugh, you should follow me on Instagram [here]( Email Extras Findings from around the internet... + Want to know when it's a *good* thing to have low self-control? Click [here](. + Want to learn how to be more creative? Click [here](. (Many thanks to the awesome [Dan Pink]( + Want to know how much water you *really* need to drink to be healthy? Click [here](. + Miss last week's post? Here you go: [4 Things The Most Organized People Do Every Day](. + Want to know if your teens and twenties are really the best years of your life? Click [here](. + You read to the end of the email. You have no idea how much I appreciate you -- sincerely. Okay, it's Crackerjack Time: Someone asked Reddit, "What's the most intellectual joke you know?" For the smarty-smart (and very funny) results, click [here](.
Thanks for reading!
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