Barking Up The Wrong Tree
June 6th, 2019
---------------------------------------------------------------
Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller! To check it out, click [here](.
---------------------------------------------------------------
3 Mindfulness Rituals That Will Make You Happy
([Click here]( to read on the blog)
Why is it so hard to be happy all the time? Why canât our lives be more like the joyous families in insurance commercials and less like the lives of people making insurance claims?
So what does the research say can make us happier? Mindfulness. It comes from Buddhism but we won't be discussing religion here. We'll be looking at ACT: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as detailed in Russ Harris' wonderful book [The Happiness Trap.](
This is the scientifically-distilled version of mindfulness. Vetted, tested, with air shocks and spinning rims. No chanting, no monk robes necessary. (Which is good, because as we all know, saffron is so not my color.)
From [The Happiness Trap](
ACT (pronounced like the word âactâ) was developed in the United States by psychologist Steven Hayes and his colleagues, Kelly Wilson and Kirk Strosahl. ACT has been astoundingly effective in helping people with a wide range of problems from depression and anxiety to chronic pain and even drug addiction.
Okay, to the point: Why is it so damn hard to stay happy? Well, the first reason is because we believe a number myths about what happiness is. Time to fix that.
Let's get to it...
The 4 Happiness Myths
Myth 1: "Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human Beings"
Sorry, thatâs just naive. The human brainâs default state is not âbliss.â Anyone who has spoken to me in the morning before I've had caffeine knows this.
But advertising, Facebook, and big parts of our culture reinforce this myth on a near-constant basis. You've met people who are super happy all the time and, let's be honest here: they kinda creep you out.
We all have ups and downs. That's normal and natural. But thinking you're supposed to be ecstatic 24/7 is a waterslide into myth #2...
Myth 2: "If Youâre Not Happy, Youâre Defective"
We feel like if thereâs anything wrong with life than there must be something wrong with us. And so we scramble to âfixâ ourselves because this canât be right...
Myth 3: "To Create a Better Life, We Must Get Rid of Negative Feelings"
Everyone else feels great all the time (pro tip: no, they donât) so we should too. And then weâre running headlong into...
Myth 4: "You Should Be Able to Control What You Think and Feel"
We have reached our final destination. Please take your belongings from the overhead bins and exit to your left.
We all spend a lot of time trying to control what we think and feel. Do me a favor: donât think about bears... Howâd that go?
Oh, and next time youâre sad why donât you just âsnap out of it.â How well does that work?
Of course, neither do. We canât control what we think or feel â at least not so directly and immediately. Sure, we can influence these things -- but control? Nope.
And so weâre often struggling to change what we canât. And this just fuels the fire of these emotions as we struggle with them. We end up with anxiety about our anxiety, anger about our depression and depression about our anger layered on top of one another like some mental health version of "Inception."
Or we do things to muscle our thoughts and feelings into compliance (procrastination, drinking, etc.) that offer short-term improvement of our feelings, but in the long-term take us away from our goals and values.
This is not the path to a happy life. This is the happiness trap.
Youâre not going to feel good all the time. Sorry. And you canât directly and immediately control your thoughts and feelings as easily as you change the background image on your smartphone.
But thatâs okay. Defining happiness as sheer unrelenting non-opiate-fueled-bliss is absurd. We have the happiness definition wrong. Happiness should mean a rich, full and meaningful life -- and that includes ups and downs.
From [The Happiness Trap](
The other far less common meaning of happiness is âliving a rich, full, and meaningful life.â When we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich and full and meaningful, and we experience a powerful sense of vitality. This is not some fleeting feelingâit is a profound sense of a life well lived. And although such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings, it will also give us uncomfortable ones, such as sadness, fear, and anger. This is only to be expected. If we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions.
(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book [here](
Now that's all fine and dandy -- but how do we get out of this trap for good?
We need to think differently about thinking...
You Are Not Your Thoughts
There are "facts" and there are "thoughts." Facts we can all agree on (âAlice is frowning.â) Thoughts are the judgments, interpretations and stories that our brains incessantly chatter about all day (âAlice is frowning because she hates me just like everyone hates me because Iâm a bad person and thatâs why I will die alone.â)
Yes, these thoughts are all too often negative.
Your brain makes thoughts. Thatâs what it does. Some true, some false, some useful, some not, and some totally absurd. But itâs what your brain does, trying to make sense of the world so that it can fulfill itâs evolutionarily goal of keeping you not-dead by pulling the puppet strings of anxiety, regret, and fear to try to keep you safe from anything that might change your not-dead status.
You canât control thoughts any more than you can control a headache. Actions, you're responsible for. Thoughts, not so much. So when it comes to thoughts, youâre not the boss of you.
But the problem is we often fuse with our thoughts. You think those thoughts are you. You think those thoughts are gospel. That voice in your head speaks only truth. Itâs like hearing the PA system in Wal-Mart and assuming thatâs God talking. (No, it's not God talking. A kid threw up in aisle 4.)
From [The Happiness Trap](
All too often we react to our thoughts as if they are the absolute truth or as if we must give them all our attention. The psychological jargon for this reaction is âfusion.â
So your brain weaves a fact into a thought, you fuse with it and thatâs how Alice frowning morphs into âIâm unlovable.â We take these stories our brain creates way too seriously and it's like a mental computer virus hijacked your brain.
Do you really believe most of your thoughts are all that important? Of course they're not. If they were mission critical, you wouldn't even get a vote on whether to listen to them. Your brain does super-important stuff like keeping you breathing and your heart beating. Youâre not even allowed to touch that software. Because if you were, at some point you wouldâve gotten distracted by your phone, stopped inhaling, turned blue and died.
And, more importantly, when you get so swept up in negative thoughts, youâre missing out on life. Youâre engaged with a sad story youâre telling yourself -- one that isnât even real. Chronic depression is often an ongoing fusion with thoughts about the past. And anxiety is fusion with worries about the future. People with both conditions often exhibit anhedonia, a reduced ability to experience pleasure. They canât experience the joys of the world around them because theyâre too wrapped in the stories they're telling themselves about the world.
Now this doesnât mean fusion is bad. Being immersed in a good conversation with close friends can be positive fusion. Fusion can be a âflowâ state. And negative thoughts arenât necessarily the enemy either. Sometimes you need a kick in the keister and your brain guilting you is helpful.
The issue is we want the ability to step back and evaluate these thoughts. Because when weâre fused it can be hard to see what is real and we can become a puppet to false, negative stories.
To be fair, sometimes it's tricky to tell facts and thoughts apart:
Example #1:Â âThey wonât like me.â Your crystal ball is lovely but, sorry -- thatâs a thought, not a fact.
Example #2: âI canât go for a run because Iâm too tired.â Thoughty-thought-thought. No fact-o delicti. Now âI canât go for a run because a spinal injury has paralyzed my legs.â Okay, thatâs a fact.
How do you know if youâre fused with a thought or feeling? Ask yourself a simple question:
âIf I wasnât thinking about this, would it still be a problem?â
Man standing in front of you with a gun? Okay, not a fusion issue. That's real.
âAlice is frowning, proving I am an unlovable wretch and I deserve to be boiling in a cauldron in a Hieronymus Bosch painting of Hades.â Fusion alert.
Alice could just be constipated and you may be awesome.
(To learn the 4-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click [here](
Some will reply, "But what if itâs true? What if Alice is frowning because she hates me?"
Well, guess what?
It doesnât matter...
You Gotta Defuse
Lots of stuff is "true." Epic landfills of truth out there. Doesnât mean you need to be thinking about it. You will never think about most of the true things about the subject of organic chemistry because you donât even know them. So truth is not a good reason for the wheels in your brain to keep spinning unhappily over anything.
The more important issue when dealing with troublesome thoughts is: Is this helpful? Will further exploration of this thought help me live the life I want?
So when negative thoughts become a problem we need to defuse from them. How do we do that? By accepting them, not wrestling with them.
Now that word âacceptanceâ gets me in a lot of trouble. People think it means caving, giving in, resigning yourself, waving the white flag... But thatâs not a âhelpfulâ way of looking at acceptance.
From [The Happiness Trap](
Acceptance does not mean putting up with or resigning yourself to anything. Acceptance is about embracing life, not merely tolerating it. Acceptance literally means âtaking what is offered.â It doesnât mean giving up or admitting defeat; it doesnât mean just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It means fully opening yourself to your present realityâacknowledging how it is, right here and now, and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment.
I see unhelpful thoughts like junk mail. Do you sit down and write a letter back to the sender telling them how awful junk mail is? No. Do you deny its existence? No. You accept it. And then you go do something useful with your time.
And this is the goal with defusion: we donât try to control our thoughts because that doesnât work (Bears. Donât think about them.) And we donât do a full-on-brain-filibuster arguing with the thoughts because that just makes it worse.
We must recognize the thought for what it is â just a thought. A story, a judgment. Not necessarily true and definitely not you. Acknowledge it. But don't wrestle with it and give it energy.
From [The Happiness Trap](
In a state of fusion thoughts seem to be the absolute truth and very important. But in a state of defusion, we recognize that: 1) Thoughts are merely sounds, words, stories, or bits of language. 2) Thoughts may or may not be true; we donât automatically believe them. 3) Thoughts may or may not be important; we pay attention only if theyâre helpful. 4) Thoughts are definitely not orders; we certainly donât have to obey them. 5) Thoughts may or may not be wise; we donât automatically follow their advice. 6) Thoughts are never threats; even the most painful or disturbing of thoughts does not represent a threat to us.
How hard is it to evaluate other peopleâs problems and tell them what you would do? Oh, thatâs easy. (Hand me my gavel, please.) But how hard is it to be objective about your own failings, and then make a habit of consistently doing the right thing from this day forward without beating yourself up? (Iâd have better luck trying to invade Russia during the winter. By myself.)
Stepping back helps you treat your own issues like you treat other peopleâs. Which actually makes sense because your thoughts arenât you, right?
Okay, so youâre feeling stressed, anxious or depressed. Thatâs your Mindfulness Bat Signal from now on. Time to spring into action with your new skills...
1) Step Back And Isolate It
Pause. Ask yourself, âWhat story is my mind telling me now?â
This immediately provides that distance. For example, a lot of people struggle with self-esteem. But self-esteem is just another thought, another story your brain spins. So as soon as you realize you aren't saying "I'm a loser", your brain is saying it, something wonderful happens: you don't have to agree.
Another simple formula is to take the thought and before it add: âI'm having the thought that...â Again, this provides that distance.
Sounds simple but itâs quite powerful. âIâm having the thought that Iâm a loserâ is a puzzle to be solved, not a bullet train to getting all emo.
From [The Happiness Trap](
...first bring to mind an upsetting thought that takes the form âI am X.â For example, âIâm not good enoughâ or âIâm incompetent.â Preferably pick a thought that often recurs and that usually bothers or upsets you⦠Next, take that thought and in front of it, insert this phrase: âIâm having the thought that . . .â Play that thought again, but this time with the phrase attached.
2) Accept and defuse
Your brain occasionally comes up with crazy thoughts, right? But we take its thoughts so seriously at times and let them get us down. It's important to remember how imperfect your brain's track record is.
So when its negative thoughts try and fuse, gently mock it. Don't get angry or worked up, but not taking it so seriously and teasing it a bit can take the steam out of its painful judgments.
Brain: "Youâre a loser."
Me: "Iâm having the thought that Iâm a loser. Hmm... Oh, silly brain."
Some people will say, "I can't dismiss it that easily; what if I am a loser?" Again, true doesn't matter; helpful does. Or some might say, "I can't dismiss the feeling that easily." That means you're fused with it. You need to step back and see it as one of many possible stories, not the single, undeniable truth.
We all have recurring negative thoughts. Your brain can be a regular jukebox of criticism that never turns off. But rather than despairing over this, accept its nature and take the sting out of it.
Imagine your personal playlist of ânegative-thought-songs.â (If youâre over 40 youâre welcome to call it a mixtape.)
Brain: "Youâre a loser."
Me: "Iâm having the thought that Iâm a loser. Hmm⦠Oh, that song again. Is this from my 'Iâm feeling inferior' playlist? I think the acoustic version of 'Nobody likes me' is next, followed by an a cappella rendition of 'Life sucks.'"
If youâre laughing at your brain, itâs hard to get too depressed, anxious or angry.
From [The Happiness Trap](
After doing this exercise, you probably found that by now youâre just not taking that thought quite so seriously; youâre just not buying into it as much. Notice that you havenât challenged the thought at all. You havenât tried to get rid of it, debated whether itâs true or false, or tried to replace it with a positive thought.
Full disclosure: it takes practice to get good at this. You wouldn't lift weights once and then quit because you weren't all jacked the next day. So keep at it. Try to get better at noticing when you're fused with an unhelpful story. Then defuse it. And count on your short attention span to help the unhelpful thought drift off.
Yes, another thought will inevitably come along and try to hijack your brain. Forever and ever. But with practice, you'll get better at handling how your mind naturally works.
As the saying goes, "You cannot stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."
(To learn the 4 harsh truths that will make you a better person, click [here](
Okay, we've learned a lot. (Not a thought, that's a fact... I hope.) Time to round everything up and learn why perpetual bliss is a terrible goal...
Sum Up
Here are 3 mindfulness rituals that will make you happy:
- Myths of happiness: Bliss isn't the default, you aren't broken, negative feelings are natural and you can't directly control your feelings. And that is totally okay.
- You are not your thoughts: Would you really think all that negative stuff if it was up to you? No. It's not "you." Hearts beat, eyes blink and brains think. And you are allowed to respectfully disagree with its efforts.
- You gotta defuse: What story is your brain telling you right now? Oh, silly brain...
Some people might get sad that there is no perpetual bliss at the end of the happiness rainbow. A little difficulty makes life richer. Without it, there could be no pride in overcoming challenges -- because there would be no challenges. There'd be no such thing as a comeback. You'd never feel the joy of improvement.
Plain and simple: you'd be happy but bored. We don't want that. We want a well-rounded life.
But when the internal challenges get fierce, remember: youâre not your thoughts. You're not your brain. So donât take your brain or its thoughts so seriously...
They didnât like this blog post, Eric.
Oh, weâre playing that song again, are we?
***Please share this on [Facebook]( or [Pocket](. Thank you!***
Email Extras
Findings from around the internet...
+ Want to improve your mood quickly? Click [here](.
+ Want to know an easy way to eat less? Click [here](.
+ Want to know how to extend your life? Click [here](. (Many thanks to the Twitter feed of the excellent [Dan Pink](
+ Miss last week's post? Here you go: [This Is How To Make Your Kids Successful: 4 Secrets From Research](.
+ Want to know the two best ways to protect your home from burglary? Click [here](.
+ You made it to the end of the email. May the thoughts in your head say only "thank you" to you today because that's what I'm saying to you right now... Drum roll, please -- it's Crackerjack time: If you're looking for an interesting, quirky, and very human new podcast, do check out John Green's "The Anthropocene Reviewed." Highly recommended. Click [here](.
Thanks for reading!
Eric
PS: If a friend forwarded this to you, you can sign up to get the weekly email yourself [here](.
This email was sent to {EMAIL}
[why did I get this?]( Â Â Â [unsubscribe from this list]( Â Â Â [update subscription preferences](
Bakadesuyo · 8033 Sunset Boulevard, #1073 · Los Angeles, CA 90046 · USA