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Barking Up The Wrong Tree May 20th, 2019 -----------------------------------------------------------
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Barking Up The Wrong Tree
May 20th, 2019
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Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller! To check it out, click [here](.
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How To Make Your Marriage Awesome: 6 Secrets From A Top Divorce Lawyer
([Click here]( to read on the blog)
Actually, I lied. This is not a "how-to."
Good god, there are so many "how-to" posts about relationships, it's exhausting. (I'm tired of them and I'm responsible for [plenty]( [of them]( [myself.]( So let's mix it up, shall we?
This is a "how-not-to."
How not to make the mistakes that destroy relationships, marriages, and happiness. I'm the guy who loves looking at the academic research, but I also feel we gain a lot from non-academic experts. I've talked to FBI hostage negotiators about [lowering your cable bill]( Navy SEALs on [how to be more resilient]( and bomb disposal experts on [how to stay calm under pressure](.
So what can a top divorce attorney tell you about how to make sure you never, ever have to step foot in his office? A lot, actually.
James Sexton has handled more than 1000 divorces. He doesnât claim to know what makes a relationship work... but he sure knows what doesnât.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Iâve had a ringside seat to countless ruined or doomed-from-the-start relationships. After two decades of performing this profoundly intimate service for so many ex-spouses-to-be, as well as for people in myriad other relationship permutations (e.g., living together; having a child in common), the sheer bulk of these observations has turned into a wisdom of sorts.
His book is â[If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late]( Given that divorce is one of the few things that can put a [permanent dent]( in your happiness levels, we should let James play Virgil to our Dante and tour us through this netherworld so we never have to take up residence there.
Learning lessons from the successful is great, but sometimes we get more from looking at those who didn't fare as well -- so we can avoid their mistakes.
Time for the not-so-happy to show us how to be happier. Letâs get to it...
Define âA Good Marriageâ
Go ahead â I dare you. No vague platitudes, either.
Itâs not easy, is it? Honestly, it's not even a fair question because every personâs definition would be different. In fact, your own definition would almost certainly change at different points in your life: before kids, after kids, during retirement, etc.
But we rarely answer this question. And rarer still is getting clear on the answer with your spouse. Does tying your happiness to the achievement of an undefined goal seem like a very good strategy to you?
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
If youâve thought long and hard about what marriage means, congratulations: Youâre different from many of my clients⦠What roles, specifically, will you play in this personâs life, and they in yours? What do you get in exchange for doing this? Whatâs the job description of marriage?
This is a big problem. James says marriages fail for only two reasons.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
I have learned, over and over, that marriages and other committed relationships fail for two fundamental reasons. 1)â
You donât know what you want. 2)â
â
You canât express what you want. End of story.
So whatâs your definition of a happy marriage? What responsibilities does that entail? What are you entitled to and what are you not? And is your spouse on the same page?
Truth is, people do answer these questions eventually...
But, unfortunately, it's often once they're already sitting in James' office.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Itâs strange to meâsad, actuallyâthat the first time people ask themselves these questions is, quite often, in my office, when theyâre in the process of crumpling up the future that wasnât. Isnât this inquiry something that married people should be doing on a regular basis? Individually, and especially together? In simply talking things out with meâoften brutally, but clearly and in detailâmy clients gain a real sense of how they define generic, vague terms such as âsuccess,â âhappiness,â and âsecurity,â often for the first time in their adult life. When is the last time you and your spouse discussed what it specifically means to be âhappyâ and how you each define that term?
Have this conversation with yourself. And have it with your spouse. That way you don't have to have it with James.
(To learn more about how you can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book [here](
Okay, we've covered the big picture. So what else is vital when it comes to communicating with your spouse?
Be Hyper-Honest With Your Partner
Yeah, I know: sounds cliche. "Be honest with your partner." But we're going way past polite honesty here. We're going to Stage-4-Cringe-Level-Honesty.
The kind where you start to grimace in pain at just the idea of saying that thing out loud.
We assume far too many things are obvious. And it's often very self-serving. It prevents us from having uncomfortable conversations or having to ask for things that are scary. But we still want to be able to call our partner out if they don't do-the-thing-we-never-actually-mentioned. I'm not a lawyer but last time I checked, contracts that only one person has signed arenât enforceable.
Of course, James hears people complain about their spouses a lot. But when he asks, "Did you tell them that?" the most common response is, "Well, they should have known."
People canât hear what you donât say.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
No oneânot even individuals in really happy couples, or with exceptional hearingâcan hear what the other person isnât saying. Itâs easy to look at couples on the verge of a breakup and nod about their lack of communication: âWell, of course they broke upâthey long ago stopped communicating frequently and effectively.â But that could also be Monday-morning-quarterbacking. Flip the sentiment and it makes just as much sense: âThey donât communicate frequently and effectively, so of course theyâre bound to break up.â
If you don't tell them, they can't address it. So you stay irritated. And resentment festers. And that leads to arguments that reach call-911-levels because the argument isn't about what the argument is about.
So communicate early and often. Say that thing, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Because grievances that go unspoken accumulate compound interest at a faster rate than your 401K.
You wouldn't ignore your bank balance for a month. Don't ignore the state of your relationship for that long either. Fix the small cavity so it's not a root canal later.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Everything comes out eventuallyâeverything⦠One reason to get it all out is to make things unpleasant sooner rather than later, because the later unpleasant is way more unpleasant...The other reason is so that the real problem can be discovered before it gets buried. We try so hard not to chip the glass that we shatter it. We try so hard not to cause our spouse mild irritation with a difficult conversation that we inadvertently create a major issue in our relationship that never gets fixed and that leads to much larger problems.
Have your spouse read this post. And then when something comes up, you can say, "Can we have a hyper-honesty moment?" Timing is important. Yes, sooner beats later but you don't want to have serious relationship discussions when someone is late for work or operating a bandsaw.
Focus on talking about your feelings. Avoid blame and accusations.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
...share how youâre feeling without attempting to explain it. You feel how you feel. And those feelings have repercussions both short- and long-term. They inform how we relate to our spouse or partner on a day-to-day basis. They create habits that build intimacy or distance. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to share the building blocks of our inner lives before those little blocks create a wall that separates us from them.
(To learn the four most common relationship problems and how to fix them, click [here](
Okay, we've gotten past the honesty issue...
Oops, sorry. No, we haven't. Because we've neglected the person you're often the least honest with...
Be Hyper-Honest With Yourself
People lie to James constantly. And thereâs no reason to. Heâs legally bound by confidentiality. And heâs seen it all -- so heâs not judging. And, most importantly, he needs to know the facts to help his client get the best resolution. But they lie anyway. Why?
Because theyâre not really lying to him. Theyâve been lying to themselves for so long they donât even know itâs not the truth.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
The most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves. The unexamined life may not be worth living, but it appears to be incredibly popular, at least from where Iâm sitting.
Everybody has a pretty good idea of what they want from their spouse. But the question that's rarely asked is what you're really capable of. How much are you truly willing to give and do on a daily basis without being nagged to death or having a gun to your head?
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Why wait until youâre getting divorced (or heading in that direction) to be honest with yourself about what youâre capable of in your relationship with your spouse and/or your children? ...be honest with yourself, right now, about how far you really think you would be willing to go for your partner.
At what point does your response to marital adversity go from "We'll find a way, dear" to "Whoa, I didn't sign on for this crap"?
Know your weaknesses. You can't address them if you don't admit them to yourself.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Be honest with yourself, deeply and painfully honest. Admit to yourself what youâre good at and what youâre not good at. Admit to yourself how much time you have to devote to the goals youâre trying to achieve as a parent or partner, and what youâre doing with that time. Be honest about the aspects of partnership and/or parenting that you enjoy and the ones that you loathe (or maybe could take or leave).
And on a semi-regular basis, give yourself an honest progress report. Are you doing your part? Are you putting as much effort into the marriage as you did planning the wedding?
Realistic, achievable goals in terms of improving your marriage come from brutal honesty with yourself and clear, actionable steps you can take.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Why not look closely at certain key areas in your marriage and give yourself an unflinchingly honest progress report as to what youâre actually doing? While youâre at it, maybe you can compare that totally candid report against an equally honest, tangible set of goals that arenât made up of conclusory statements lacking in measurable meaning. âI want to be more present in my marriage.â What the hell does that mean? Itâs a conclusion. Itâs a destination, not a path to get there. How about something more tangible, like âI want to stop playing with my phone when my spouse is talking to meâ or âI want to do more activities on the weekends with my spouse.â
It's very easy to express commitment to a principle. It's much harder to consistently take actions that demonstrate that commitment.
(To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click [here](
Okay, lots of honesty flying around. And in the long term, that's great. In the short term, uh, it might lead to a little bit of conflict...
A Divorce Lawyerâs Guide To Arguing
James argues for a living. (He tells his kids he wonât argue with them for free because it wouldnât be fair to his paying clients.)Â Luckily, this means he has learned a lot about what works and what doesn't in dispute resolution -- especially in the marriage sphere.
Here are a few of his key principles gleaned from all too many conversations with people who were ending their unions:
1) Don't be obsessed with being right or winning
If you try to win every single point your reward will be a bonus round where you try to win as much as you can in the divorce proceedings.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Shoot for resolution rather than full satisfaction⦠When it comes to the person you love, you can concede once in a while. Which is more important: having your perspective on an issue validated and the ego gratification of being right, or the feeling of connection that comes with being both understood and understanding? Which is more important: the feeling that you won the argument argument or the feeling that youâre winning at the larger game of love and companionship?
2) Keep the discussion focused on the topic at hand
This prevents "you left the lights on" from spiraling into "why you are a subhuman troll not worthy of my love."
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Keep disputes focused; donât take current behavior and start extrapolating larger trends in the relationship because, in the moment, it might seem like a good idea to âget them out in the openâ and âhash them out.â Such leaps are dangerous, and theyâre dirty pool...
3) For the love of god, don't start arguments over things that cannot be changed
Do you have a time machine? I doubt your spouse has a time machine. So don't get into arguments over things that can only be resolved with a time machine.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Sure, there are times when your spouse did or said something stupid and theyâre likely to do it or say it again if the behavior is left unchecked. In those circumstances, it might be worth having the argument⦠If youâre just holding a grudge and upset with your spouse about something unrelated and itâs impossible to change or undo, tread lightly.
So what should you do during a marital spat?
Before you open your mouth, think about the part of them that you fell in love with. And then imagine that the next thing they're going to do is pay a visit to James.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Imagine youâre going to lose your spouse later todayâthat theyâre going to leave you today because of something youâve done to them. How would you treat them then? Exactly as you think they would want to be treated, right? By the time I see couples, theyâve reached the point where itâs almost impossible for them to remember that the person theyâre about to divorce was once the person they loved more than anyone in the world, the person whose happiness they would do anything to bring about. Solid couples who have hit a rough patch sometimes suffer a similar amnesia. If you conjure an image of your partnerâs best self and address that person, you can often defuse a fight or break an impasse.
We remember the cruel remarks better than the compliments, so be careful when emotions flare.
(To learn the secret to never being frustrated again, click [here](
So what will improve your marriage that has nothing to do with your marriage?
Get A Life (Outside Of Your Partner)
Make time for you. Yourself. As an individual. Yeah, you've heard it before, I know. But I'm here to confirm that neglecting this really does lead to bad things. James sees it all the time.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Donât lose your identity in your marriage or in becoming a parent. Iâm not here to regurgitate the obvious. But I would like to point out just how often this issue, in one form or another, is at the root of so many divorces⦠The marriage vows ask us to forsake all others. They do not demand that we forsake all the other good things we can be.
Don't become boring. Not that anyone wants to be boring, but it happens. A lot. And it's a sad irony that a 110% focus on your marriage can make you boring which can then end your marriage. (I don't make the rules, okay? I'm here to help. Seriously.)
The Facebook-fueled competition to have the perfect life combined with helicopter parenting can leave you a hollowed out shell that is no longer human. You can become little more than a life support system for a family unit.
This won't make you happy and it won't make your spouse happy either.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
You stay interesting to your partner by staying interested in things outside your life together. You stay interesting to yourselfâtherefore better equipped to stay interesting to your partnerâby stepping outside the marriage, from time to time, to find satisfaction. Your spouse can be a lot of things for you without being everything. Why the hell did we start trying to have one person be everything? Who thought that was a good idea?
I know, you're busy with the kids. Here's where James has some very unconventional advice:
Pretend you're divorced.
No, don't download Tinder and buy a Porsche. Engage in informal "custodial rotation." Have days where "your spouse gets the kids" and where "you get the kids." To allow each of you to have time to recharge and be an individual.
Kids can harm a marriage. (Yeah, I said it.) Kids can turn your passionate lover into a neutered business partner in a new venture called "Kids, Inc." But it doesn't have to be that way.
"Rotate custody." Stay an individual. Stay interesting to yourself and your partner.
Added bonus: an occasional day away will make you appreciate your family all the more.
(To learn the science behind a *good* marriage, click [here](
We've covered a lot of big picture stuff. What about the day-to-day?
Remember: "Love" Is A Verb
The child's game is called "show and tell." In that game, showing is easy and telling is the hard part. With marriage it's the reverse. Saying you love someone is easy. Putting in the effort every day to make them feel loved can be hard.
What does James say is the biggest threat to any long-term relationship? Slippage. We get lazy. We take things for granted. We take our partner for granted.
Marriages end gradually. And then suddenly.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
The biggest danger in a long-term relationship: slippage. Becauseâagainâno one raindrop causes the flood⦠Itâs trite to say, but nothing that you donât focus onâyour abs, your stamp collectionâwill magically thrive. It will stagnate, then wither. Eventually. Why should your marriage be different? So many of my clients misspent their emotional resources on things around the marriage, until they became so depleted, there was nothing left for the marriage. They had stopped paying attention.
How do we resist this? You need to zap yourself with the gratitude defibrillator every now and then.
We can take our partner for granted and get resentful. It's all too easy to weave a victim narrative where you do everything and they do nothing. And then we feel entitled and do less and then they do less and it's a sprint to absolute zero and the heat death of the relationship.
So sit down and make a list of the good things your spouse does for you. (We all seem to be pretty good at remembering what we do for them, oddly.)
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
For partners whoâve been together a while, how do you guard against slipping into the entitlement mind-set? Sit down and write a list of all the things your spouse does for you. Is it hard to do? Did you ever stop and think about it? You can go big or small. You can start with the big ones, such as companionship, conversation, sex, or you can get more logisticalââpicks up the kids,â âtakes out the trash.â Hopefully, the list isnât limited to âtakes out the trash.â I bet youâll be surprised at how much your spouse does. What would you miss if they were suddenly gone from your life or from the home you share together?
Zap yourself with the gratitude defibrillator. It can restart your heart.
(To learn how to deal with passive aggressive people, click [here](
We've completed our tour of Hades. Please unbuckle your seat belt and exit through the gift shop.
Time to round up the takeaways and learn the real reason why most people end up divorced -- so that you won't...
Sum Up
Hereâs how to stay out of James' office:
- Define "good marriage": If you don't know what your goal is, how can you achieve it?
- Be hyper-honest with your spouse: Say it in a conversation or a deposition. Your choice.
- Be hyper-honest with yourself: Know your weaknesses and you can prevent them. If you don't, bad "luck" will follow you forever.
- Argue well: As James likes to say, âMake the holes you dig shallow, because the deep ones are hard to climb out of.â
- Get a life: Rotate custody so you never really have to rotate custody.
- "Love" is a verb: Gratitude defibrillator -- STAT!
Why do marriages end? Because they lost the thing that is most important. The core of marriage:
Meaningful connection.
From [If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late:](
Ask most people to name the two top reasons for divorce, and theyâll almost always guess correctly: cheating and ruinous money issues. But those are never the reasons for divorceârather, theyâre the symptoms of a bad marriage. Lack of meaningful connection and proper attention and enduring affection led to those lapses,
Enough scary divorce talk. Start with the last tip: "Love" is a verb.
Think of something kind your spouse does for you. Text them right now and let them know how much you appreciate it.
Yes, you may sound a little crazy. That's okay -- being romantic is, by definition, a little crazy.
The best kind of crazy there is.
***Please share this on [Facebook]( or [Pocket](. Thank you!***
Email Extras
Findings from around the internet...
+ Want to know how to increase the amount of sexy-time in your relationship? Click [here](.
+ Want to know how to be a better listener? Click [here](.
+ Want to know how to budget when you're broke? Click [here](.
+ Miss last week's post? Here you go: [New Neuroscience Reveals 5 Rituals That Will Make You Happy](.
+ Want to help kids cope with anxiety? Click [here](.
+ You made it to the end of the email. You are my one true love. (Am I rushing things? I'm rushing things, aren't I? Okay, let's just hold hands...) Ready for Crackerjack time? Here we go: Ever had mail stolen? Ever had a package stolen? Grrrrr, that stings. Well, time to enjoy some vicarious revenge. A former NASA roboticist was tired of having packages stolen so he built a trap for thieves. Nothing dangerous or violent -- more along the lines of a glitter bomb, fart spray and getting the whole thing on video. This, to use the parlance of our times, is "truly epic." Click [here](.
Thanks for reading!
Eric
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