Barking Up The Wrong Tree March 18th, 2024 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my new book become a bestseller! To check it out, click [here](. --------------------------------------------------------------- This Is How To Deal With Negative Thoughts: 6 Secrets From Research ([Click here]( to read on the blog) In the theater of the mind, unwanted thoughts are the hecklers in the back row, throwing popcorn at the screen of your consciousness. Your brain, that squishy blob sitting in its dark skull-room is like those old jukeboxes in dive bars that play the same three songs on a loop. Except instead of "Don't Stop Believin'," it's "What if everyone's secretly laughing at you?" Weâve all had intrusive thoughts at one time or another: impostor syndrome, embarrassing memories, fears, anxieties, guilt, regret or the kind of existential questions that would make Sartre say, âWhoa, that's a bit much.â Your gray matter acts like an annoying younger sibling, poking you with a stick to see how much it can get away with before you snap. Why the heck canât your brain be this creative, persistent and resourceful when it comes to other projects? And the worst part is these thoughts can lead to impulsive, bad decisions and regrettable behavior. The advice we get for dealing with the issue is priceless. âJust donât think about it,â they say. Thatâs like telling someone on fire to stop being so flammable. Okay, time to end the self-induced torture and do a U-turn on this roundabout of ruminations. If your head is a bad neighborhood you canât move out of, mindfulness can help. Weâre going to get solid insight from three books: â[Pure O]( â[The Unwanted Thoughts and Intense Emotions Workbook]( and â[Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts]( Okay, letâs get to it... Why Wonât The Thoughts Stop? We all live under the grand illusion that we're the CEOs of our brains. We arenât. Thoughts just pop up without permission. Most of them are unremarkable. But then one gets under your skin, and suddenly youâre berating yourself for thinking âbadâ things, as if you had any say in the matter. It's like getting mad at your heart for beating. The first thing to remember is just because itâs in your head doesnât mean itâs true. You have all kinds of odd thoughts that you immediately dismiss. Our brains are like seedy dive bars at 2 a.m.âanything can wander in, no ID required. A thought is not necessarily a fact or even a statement about your character. Thoughts don't necessarily mean anything. Often, they're the mental equivalent of butt dials. It's not really the content of the thought that matters; itâs your relationship to the thought and your response to it that makes all the difference. âCognitive fusionâ is when you take random thoughts too seriously. Basically, you become so buddy-buddy with your thoughts that you can't tell where they end and you begin. But just because your brain is serving up a buffet of existential dread and cringe-worthy memories doesn't mean you have to eat it. But oh, we do. At times, we treat every bizarre, random, and utterly ludicrous thought as if it's a dire message from the depths of our soul. âWhat you resist tends to persist.â A thought annoys you. You wrestle with it to make it go away but the message your brain gets is âHmm, lots of activity. This must be important.â You tell yourself, âDon't think about it,â and your brain responds, âDon't think about what? This thing? Got it. Iâll think about it a lot.â The more you try to suppress a thought, the more it comes back, like a boomerang with a vendetta. âAn obsession is simply a thought that youâre not willing to have.â If youâre not struggling with something, your short attention span kicks in and soon youâre considering something else. But when youâre not willing to have a thought, the mental wrestling match begins. It happens in many forms: You try to answer a question the thought poses. You try to push the thought out of your mind. You try to figure out what the thought âmeans.â You ask why the thought is popping up. All these actions might seem innocuous or even productive but they all have the effect of supergluing that annoying idea onto your consciousness. By obsessing over them, analyzing them, and giving them the starring role in our mental drama, we turn these fleeting blips into blockbuster franchises. Your brain is now like a movie director who can only make sequels to disaster movies. Yeesh. So your brain decides to throw a thought parade in honor of your deepest fears and insecurities. Itâs a sourdough starter of anxiety. What should you do first? Label The first and most important step is to actively notice that the thoughts are occurring. Instead of falling into the usual trap of wrestling with âRandom Memory of That Embarrassing Thing You Did in 2007â, you need to pause and realize thereâs something you can do. Give it a label: Oh, itâs the âimpostor syndrome symphonyâ playing again. Sounds simple but itâs quite powerful. UCLA neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman has found that mere labeling can dampen negative emotions. That tiny shift from âI am sadâ to âIâm feeling sadnessâ is a reminder that those thoughts are not you, they are not true, I do not like green eggs and ham. The thoughts are still there but labeling gives you a bit of sweet, sweet distance. Now you can start to look at the emotions instead of through them. It's like watching a horror movie and realizing the monster is just a guy in a rubber suit. Your brain's like, "Boo!" and you're like, "Yeah, I can see your sneakers under the ghost costume, Kevin." The goal is to get to a place where youâre acknowledging the thoughts with the emotional detachment of someone noticing it's raining outside while they're comfortably indoors. Youâre not in the rain; you're just watching it. Labeling should turn down the volume a bit. At least enough to take the next step... Letting Go Donât struggle with them or get caught in the other traps of wondering why this is happening or what it might say about you. Just accept their presence. Acceptance here does not mean believing the thoughts, it just means allowing them to be there. Donât fight them... ...which is about as comfortable as sitting in a bathtub full of eels. It's counterintuitive. Our brains are wired to solve problems, not to sit idly by while they do the Macarena in front of us. But struggling is what keeps the thoughts around, feeding them like gremlins after midnight. Itâs like an unskippable ad before a YouTube video, selling products from the âAll My Friends Hate Meâ corporation. Itâs playing, but you donât need to pay attention to it. Remember, intrusive thoughts are not commands; they're not prophecies; they're not even particularly good suggestions. If you just sit there, acknowledging their presence without engaging, they start to lose their power. They're like internet trolls; they thrive on your reactions. This works. Not in a "Poof -- your mind is a Zen garden" way, but more like a "Hey, maybe I don't need to attend every argument I'm invited to in my head" way. It's a slow realization, like noticing you're getting old when you start agreeing with the parents in teen movies. The key thing to keep in mind is that the goal isnât to rid yourself of the thoughts â that just creates more struggle. Theyâre still going to be there for now. You just want to shift your relationship to them. Getting some distance and realizing you donât need to react. Youâve ceased struggling and youâre not sinking deeper into the mental quicksand. But how do we get out of here? âDefuseâ Cognitive fusion is when you think the thoughts are you. Defusion is when we separate from them and realize theyâre just mental static to be ignored. How do we do it? When the thought âIâm going to failâ pops up, restate it as âIâm having the thought that I am going to fail.â This framing can work for any intrusive notion. It helps to increase that distance so you can observe your thoughts without judgment. The thought is just something your brain burped up, not an edict, truth, or prediction. With practice, the thoughts become less like terrifying monsters and more like those inflatable wavy-arm tube men you see at car dealershipsâfrantic, yes, but ultimately harmless and kind of ridiculous. Okay, you have some distance. The demon thought is trapped inside the pentagram. What now? Be Mindful Actually, I hate that term. Itâs vague and misunderstood. Point is: turn your attention back to the world. The thoughts are not the headline act; they're the weird street performers everyone tries not to make eye contact with. Get grounded in life, not in your head. No, this isnât always easy. You think you have to distract yourself. You brain asks, âFrom what?â And you reply, âFrom the idea that Iâm not good enough.â And youâre caught again. The solution is to get curious about the world around you. And if the world isnât all that stimulating right now turn your attention to your body, your physical state. Because if youâre paying attention to your body, youâre not obsessing about those thoughts. This is why meditation and therapists tell you to notice your breathing. When itâs working, you wonât immediately notice. Thatâs the goal. Now youâre thinking about lunch or what you need to do next. And if youâre thinking about that, youâre not dwelling on those mental intruders. With time, your mind becomes slightly less of a circus and more of a quiet, boring town council meeting. And that, my friend, is the goal. Maybe the thought has receded and you can focus on the world. But itâs still at the edge of consciousness. The most dangerous part about intrusive thoughts is they can drive us to bad behaviors to address the concerns theyâre shouting about. Hereâs how we make sure you donât do anything silly... Act On Your Values Time to get back to life. Problem is, thoughts just love to masquerade as values: "Oh, you value safety, do you? Well, it would be really unsafe not to check that stove again, wouldn't it?" They're like con artists, trying to trick you into thinking they've got your best interests at heart. "Trust me, I'm a thought. I know what I'm talking about." Now that youâve stepped outside of your head and rejoined the world, connect with your immediate purpose and act on your values. Whatâs important thatâs in front of you? Where do you want to go and what do you need to do to get there? Let that sweep you up. With time, youâll realize that maybe, just maybe, you're not just a hostage to your own head. Maybe you're the hero of this ridiculous, terrifying, and strangely beautiful story. Okay, time to round it all up and learn what it takes to make this smooth and easy... Sum Up Hereâs how to deal with intrusive thoughts...
- Why Wonât The Thoughts Stop?: Itâs akin to having a parrot on your shoulder with a vocabulary consisting solely of your deepest, darkest fears. But you are not your thoughts and theyâre not even necessarily true. You need mental distance; just notice them without judgment.
- Label: Donât treat a random brain burp like it's a sacred text. Give it a label: Oh, itâs the âimpostor syndrome symphonyâ again.
- Let go: Donât debate, explore or respond to it. Itâs not a discussion partner; itâs a clown in a dark alley offering free hugs. Do not engage.
- Defuse: Shift from âIâm no goodâ to âIâm having the thought that Iâm no good.â Treat it like that weird uncle at family gatheringsâyou acknowledge their presence, but you don't engage in a deep conversation about lizard people ruling the world.
- Be Mindful: This can be hard. Itâs like, "I'm just going to focus on this lovely tree while inside my head there's a mosh pit of existential dread." But while youâre caught in your head youâre missing out on life. Turn your attention back to the world.
- Act On Your Values: That screaming fire alarm in your skull is just a drill. Donât obey it and run for the exits. Instead, do what makes your life better.
This is a skill to be developed with practice. So practice. Reading this blog post once isnât going to help much more than skimming a martial arts book is going to turn you into Bruce Lee. But when you start to build the habit, those thoughts will move much more quickly into the emotional recycling bin. With time, your brain will handle these thoughts like the world's most bored security guard, watching the same odd characters shuffle past your desk day after day. And then you win. Youâve faced down the firing squad of your own mind. How liberating is it to act without being puppeteered by intrusive thoughts? It's like you've been doing the world's worst marionette act, and you've just cut the strings. No longer are you bound by the invisible threads of âEveryone Is Judging Youâ and âWhat If You Accidentally Say Something Awful?â Itâs about learning to listen to its nonsense, giving it a pat on the head, and then telling it to go play outside while you get on with the business of living. ***If you are one of those lovely people who bought "Plays Well With Others" please leave a review on Amazon [here](. Thanks!*** Email Extras Findings from around the internet... + Want to know how what you eat affects how attractive you are? Click [here](. + Want to know how to master small talk? Click [here](. + Want to know the quality that makes others want to give you power? Click [here](. + Miss my prior post? Here you go: [This Is The Easiest Way To Make Your Life More Awesome](. + Want to know why boosts in happiness don't seem to stick? Click [here](. + You read to the end of the email. Glad I could distract you from the negative thoughts for a while. Thanks for reading. And the moment we have all been waiting for -- it's Crackerjack time: we could use some funny. The wonderful Rebecca Solnit has tips on how to comment on social media. For a laugh, click [here](.
Thanks for reading!
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