No joke—Panera serves soup with a side of security flaws; at-home DNA test discovers daddy drama

[View this email in your browser]( [ars-orbital-transmission-logo.png]( [orbital-hq.png] Inevitably, every year we have the same conversation within the Ars staff listserv: "Should we do an April Fools thing?" Past ideas have included illustrating every story with [images of bears]( using only one word exclamatory headlines, and swapping a [Google+]( share button with an IRC one. Thankfully, we usually come to our senses. Eh, it's not worth the resources or potential headaches. A lot of Internet April Fools stuff backfires or feels eye-rolly in retrospect, and ultimately our job is reporting, researching, and clearly communicating information to readers. We simply don't have the same expertise in jokes (srsly, have you watched the [recent dog video](. So for our first Ars Orbital Transmission of April, we'll share what's become our annual tradition this time of year: news that 100 percent isn't a joke no matter how #NotTheOnion it feels. —@[NathanMattise]( Orbital Transmission 04.06.2018 Soup! (Security?) We're not the type to turn our noses at free Wi-Fi and bread bowls, but this would've steered us to different lunch options. Eight months ago, Panera Bread was notified of a security flaw that was leaking customer information to anyone who knew where to look for it. But the company failed to fix the flaw until this week after [the breach was made public]( in a report suggesting that it affected 37 million customer records. 2018's hottest laptop is from 1993 A seven-row keyboard? Matte screen? TrackPoint? The all-business black body? What year is it again? Of course in-house [ThinkPad fanboy Peter Bright]( adored his time [reviewing Lenovo's homage creation]( but this machine has been so good it has us questioning why mining a past formula gets a bad rep in the age of iterative innovation. Eavesdropping espionage We wish this was a joke: this week, the federal government has formally acknowledged for the first time that [it has located suspected and unauthorized cell-site simulators]( in various parts of Washington, DC. Senator Ron Wyden (D-OR) received official Homeland Security documents saying as much, and you can [read them here](. A Maury moment, but on Ancestry There are plenty of reasons not to take (and then blindly trust) results from at-home DNA tests. But [one recent test]( conducted in the Pacific Northwest has unearthed some highly unusual (and quite tangled) family tree branches. Perhaps the headline says it all: "Woman takes Ancestry.com DNA test, learns her real dad is her mom’s doctor." Spend your weekends wrist-deep in the latest PC components? We've got another opportunity to pitch-in around the Orbital HQ. The Ars Reviews team would love to increase its coverage of internals, but such work requires a lot of bandwidth and access to a bevy of testing parts. [Ping our gear guru]( for more info or to pitch your special set of a skills, but here's a quick summary of what this freelance relationship would entail. "Need to have systems in which to install a variety of hardware, from AMD to Intel CPUs, various GPUs, etc., and have some recent products (mainly CPUs and GPUs) to benchmark for comparison," writes Reviews Editor Samuel Axon. "The idea is to have enough comparison hardware to contextualize the results when testing the review hardware. There is more than one way to open that coconut; we don't expect someone to have every CPU released in the past four years, but having a handful of recent ones helps." 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